Monday, December 31, 2012

Story of my life

Ok, to know my situation, I have to start from the beginning. You cant fully know what im going through until you KNOW what I've gone through.
** Updated as of November 5th 2017

Im 33 years old. Ive grown up in a LDS family. My grandparents, my great grandparents.....its a long line of all LDS people. I have 2 older sisters, 2 older brothers and 1 younger brother. Everyone did what they were told, everyone chose the right...until me. I came along and defied it all. I was that "black sheep" child, even before I ever did anything technically wrong 😁. I was the child that everyone saw as Independant and strong, i didnt need much attention.

But they were wrong. I needed the most attention and love. What they saw as independence was really an insecure scared little kid.

I got overlooked. But then again, we all did. With 6 of us siblings it was impossible to give us what we needed at all times. I always grew up different though. I hated church.......H.A.T.E.D. It always made me feel so out of place. Not so much the Gospel of the church because ive always known there was God, but more of the people at church. I felt judged. I judged. Everyone judged. Eventually my parents stopped forcing me to go around 16 yrs old....hurray for that.

I always was somewhat a depressed kid, at least as far as I can remember. I dont remember 12yrs of age and younger very well, my memory seems to run away from me if it has anything to do with my childhood. Ive always struggled with my weight, being tired, no motivation unless it was something I WANTED to do, and in that case as my dad would put it " When she sets her mind to do something its like, WOA, watch out world!! Theres no stopping her!". Even though everyone considered my a lazy kid, I also played sports growing up, I LOVED gymnastics, and was obsessed OBSESSED with horses and BOYS.

I was about 18ish when I learned I was sexually abused around age 5.  I do not remember it, maybe a flash here or there that I thought was a dream. Growing up I remember always feeling I was a bad kid though. That I didnt deserve anything because i was a bad bad person. I just never had a clue that these "flashes" of memory could mean sexual abuse. I thought I was just making things up, that I was being dramatic. Plus, I liked the flashes of memory? Which brought on a whole new level of shame. But in the end, among others things, it helped to make sense of how I became a sexually compulsive masturbater since age 5, was extremely hypersexual and always fantasized about sex, and later got into pornography, sleeping around and alcohol and drugs.  I am forever thankful for the counselor who helped me see how normal it was for someone to FORGET such a traumatizing event. I still to this day do not remember any details, no matter how hard ive tried in the past.

I don't remember when I first saw pornography. But I do remember I learned early on how to search for it online. I knew my dad was finding out somehow, although he always blamed it on my brothers, and that is how I learned to delete history and become smarter at hiding it. I started drinking having sex when I was 16 and have been hooked ever since. With alcohol it was like a whole new world opened up to me. That first beer made me feel normal for the first time ever in my life. It gave me so much energy and motivation. So naturally I drank as often as I could get my hands on it, ha which wasnt much at first since being only 16 I never knew anyone 21. The less I  could get it, the more I wanted it and I became obsessed. Finally when i moved out of my parents at 19, a roomate would buy me my 30 packs, and I would be content with drinking my 3-4+ beers a night while watching tv or chatting online, alone.

When I was 20 I met my (now Ex) husband from a website called hotornot :) He of course wasn't LDS and I basically wasn't either. We dated for about a year. We got along great, I thought he was a dream. Oddly enough we even had the same truck, a red Nissan Frontier.  I thought it was some sign of poetic fate, as I did with most things back thenπŸ˜‚. We would have so much fun, he was so funny, and most importantly he let me drink all I wanted and never said a word. All my friends liked him. He would make everyone laugh. He was "secretly" sensitive (while drunk). I thought we would be together forever. We got married a year after our first date. We had our ups and downs but I sort of liked our cycle of dramatic fighting and then making up. We played the abuser and the victim. Our lives were like a movie....I would hear the music in my head. And good music made all the dramatic fights SO much better ha. As if a "good song" meant our fights and make ups were really meaningful. But then I guess always being drunk makes ANYTHING seem meaningful. I loved it. I always knew my exhusband had a "small" temper, but hey...he let me drink AND he DID have the secret sensitive side right? A small temper? Meh, not so bad....

He also didn't bug me about my plethera of guy friends I was always texting or chatting online with. Well.... Not too much (ok, he didn't like it). I was adamant about the fact they were just friends, although knowing what I know now,  I was actually "fishing" and waiting for someone better or cuter. I secretly wanted every man in the universe to fall in love with me.

6 months into our marriage......something happened I never ever would have thought was possible for me to do ------ I had an affair with a guy I met online (and to be honest, I also kissed another guy on a cruise while we were carrying, just had to clear that up :/ Writing it everything in time line is HARD) .

I remember when growing up that I swore I could NEVER EVER cheat on someone. I would rip into people who cheated. People who cheated were "stupid". Jeez, how could someone ever ever cheat, right? I mean "Ptshh I would totally just break up with them before I ever cheated" blah blah. But.. I started talking to an old friend online, he wanted to hang out, I tried to get my husband to go with me to hang out with (lets call him Fred), I tried to get my husband to go with me to hang out with Fred. After all, me and Fred were ONLY just friends, most of my friends were guys anyway, and I would NEEEVER cheat.  And thus started the affair and the lies. I tried to end it at first but slowly and surely I started talking to Fred again. Fred promised he would never try anything again, I made up a zillion excuses in my head as to why it was ok to talk to Fred again, and then the even deeper lying began. I would sneak out to hang out with Fred. I mean after all....me and Fred were still "just friends" so its not that bad right??? Boy did I kid myself. I lied to cover my lies to cover my lies TO cover my lies. Dug myself a pit. I was even so delusional I once told my husband that my friend was commiting suicide and I needed to be with her, so that I could really hang out with Fred.😲😲 The lies were AWFUL.😨

Eventually I felt so scared I tried to end it again and told Fred we could never talk. I convinced myself that since I already told Fred I was never going to talk to him again, that I didnt NEED to tell my husband about the affair and the lies because it would just cause unnecessary pain. I told myself things like:
- "What he doesnt know cant hurt him", or
- "If I deny it, then it means I didnt do it", or
- "I'm doing the right thing by not putting my husband through extreme anguish, because it would be cruel to knowingly put him through that" or,
- "Even though I may want to tell him, I'm doing what's best for HIM by taking the higher more humane road because I don't want to be selfish and tell him just to make myself feel better." etc etc.

Things with Fred really were ended, so I didnt want to ruin my marriage by telling my husband about a mistake that was already "fixed".

About a month or so went by after I ended things and I thought if I ignored it, the guilt and fear would slowly subside. One of my friends was GREAT at lying, and SHE seemed fine, if she could do it, couldn't I? But I felt horrible, and no amount of alochol could drown out the agony of what I did wrong. I felt like I was in a crazy forever repeat song by She Wants Revenge.

While we were watching tv one night,  before I had time to think about what i was doing and psych myself out, I blurted out that I slept with Fred. I told him about all the crazy weird lies.....I went into every detail I could. I knew that if I sat to ponder whether I should or shouldn't tell him and didn't come clean as quickly as possible, then I definitely would NOT tell him and it would make everything harder for myself.

Afterward there was some abuse from my husband, more mental abuse, lots of crying from both of us, but man I felt FREE. We tried to work things out, and over time his anger grew worse and I would take everything he said because, hey, I'm the one that ruined things right? So I patiently took it all. Then on went my progressive drinking and continual fighting with my husband. About a year later we had our son. I stopped drinking during the pregnancy, but picked right back up a couple weeks after giving birth and I fell in love with drinking all over again. I was also in alot of pain and started using pain killers way more than I usually did before I got pregnant,  and I started taking heavier stuff, oxycontin....then oxycontin turned into even heavier stuff like Fentanyl which is medically 100x more potent than heroin. I diluted myself into thinking I REALLY was in pain, and that I wasnt addicted or anything. No way. Ive been a heavy daily drinker and smoker for many years and never went through any physical "withdrawls" (which somehow in my mind at the time was proof I wasnt addicted haha) so I thought I was invincible.

One night I was waiting to put on another fentanyl patch to make them last longer (they were $100 a patch) and I started feeling really really sick. I thought there was no way THIS could be what withdrawls feel like? Right?...so I put on another patch and I felt better within 10 min. Thats when I started freaking out. NO NO NO NO there was just NO WAY. I COULDN'T be addicted. Its just pain killers. This CANT BE HAPPENING. What about my new baby little boy???

I knew in that moment that if I was chemically dependant I wanted to get the withdrawals over with ASAP instead of being hooked even longer and prolonging the inevitable and going through even more agony later on, so I  took the patch off and waited for a few hours. A very long long few hours, until the drugs slowly left my system. I started feeling like I had a HORRIBLE flu. I told my husband everything, I told him about the hundreds of dollars I stole to buy drugs, I met with the bishop of my church that night even though I was inactive, I told my parents and my family, I was in surreal panic mode.

And then the REAL pain started....

I cant fully express to anyone the pure hell I went through. Physical pain. Emotional pain. I was racked with eternal torment. My brain was flooded with all these horrible memories like a raging tidal wave, and I started to get a clear crystal picture of ALL the things i have ever done wrong, all the masturbation, pornography, cheating, lies I told everyone, anyone I hurt, etc,  and I couldnt do anything to escape all the incredible fierce pain or make myself feel better. I was in hell. Fire and brimstone, the whole deal.

About the 2nd day of my hell I started hearing my parents words about the scriptures. About the Book of Mormon. I figured it wouldnt hurt to give it a try, since nothing could make me feel WORSE. I opened up the first page of the Book of Mormon and read the introduction and this wave of peace came over me. I started bawling. I knew it was true and I thought "CRAP....now i cant ever go back". I felt such a strong confirmation that the scriptures were true, and I no longer could claim ignorance. I now knew. I couldnt put the book down. And although I was still in the worst agonizing pain (imagine the worst flu youve ever had, and X it by 100, all the while feeling the worst sadness of your life and every memory of every sin. Literally.) this little book I never cared much about before gave me this peace. I never knew I was lacking peace in my life until this book. This odd silly"Book of Mormon". I felt light amidst all the pain.

For 4 days my body was so restless I wasn't able to fall asleep,  even for a few min.  I couldnt eat, I couldn't get up and move because just touching my skin brought sharp pain, I just laid there in the worst pain of my life, and all the while having to also take care of a 4 month old baby by myself. My husband wouldnt help with the baby, he was too pissed off. My parents were serving an LDS mission in Salt Lake. They couldn't help.  I felt so alone. I felt like dying,  and here I had this perfect innocent little baby boy who deserved so much more. On the 4th day my oldest sister, a true angel, came over and took me to the Dr and took my son for a week while I went through withdrawals.  It was hell.  I wouldnt wish this agony on my worst enemy.

It took me a long time to feel "ok" again. I knew I had to completely change my life so that I would never have to feel that agony again. I knew I HAD to change  EVERYTHING because if I didn't I would lose my son, and I couldn't bare the thought of my ill tempered husband,  who had been abused by HIS father, raising my son. So I quit everything, drugs, drinking, smoking, lying, masturbation, pornography, EVERYTHING cold turkey. I dived head first into recovery. I knew that if I ever was to relapse and start ANY of my addictions again, it would lead me to all of them, and some I loved my addictions too much, I wouldnt EVER have the strength to quit again. There would be no stopping me. I would leave my family and end up dead on the street.

Relapse = DEATH.

I knew it had to be ALL or nothing. So I started doing alot of self analyzing, lots of crying, lots of facing demons, started being completely honest about EVERY little thing and most importantly I did lots of praying and reading the Book of Mormon. It was the only thing that ever made me feel "ok". The only thing that made me feel safe during the pain. The ONLY thing that brought me peace from the "DOOM" feeling that was always trying to get me.

Somehow me and my husband stayed married and about a year later I had a daugher, and all in all it probably took me about 3 years to feel somewhat "functional". Not great, but functional while sober. I started slowly going to church and became active..which was very hard for me after hating H.A.T.I.N.G it for so long. Baby steps, baby steps. I did a complete turn around, and although my marriage DID get better, it was still struggling. It was hard for my husband to heal, understandably. I always knew it would take a long time to repair the damage I caused. I wanted a happy marriage, I tried everything I could, and I was willing to do whatever it took. My husband even eventually got baptized. Ha HIS choice. I was shocked. I never thought it would happen. I was so excited, I thought our marriage was finally going to be GREAT. Then came a huge blow...

I was miserable and I couldn't figure out why. I changed. I was doing everything I was supposed to. Then I found pornography on the computer. I always knew my husband occasionally viewed pornography. We even used to watch it together back when I was acting out in my addictions. But I thought he stopped when I stopped. I thought I was the one with the problem.

After much fasting about my marriage, my husband told me about his own struggle with pornography and how it started when he was 11yrs old and he often acted out a few times a day. I was shocked. How did I not know this, even back when I was acting out myself, or watching it with him??? I immedietly put a spy program on the computer without his knowledge. Nonetheless I was willing to work through it, I mean hey....I'm an addict, I can handle mistakes. I KNOW mistakes. I can DO this right? I got this. I GOT THIS.

I started going to counseling and did EMDR therapy. My husband also went to counseling for himself a couple times,  but refused after that because he "didn't need it".  He kept claiming he would stop. He would blaim it on me. He would cry and promise. I heard it all, over and over. I tried approaching him in every different way I could....I thought there had to be SOMETHING I could do or say to help him. I started to also realize just how bad his anger was. I started allowing myself to see that his lashing out at my 2 yr old son was abuse, and that if hes like this with a 2 year old, what would his anger look like once my son started talkin back? My husband being a victim of abuse as a child, I did NOT want it to be passed down to my kids. So I rigorously and more urgently did all I could to help my husband and save our marriage.

It was very humbling.....I had to take responsibility for myself even more. I read the "5 love languages" and man....that book kicked my butt. Shredded any ounce of pride I had. I stopped nagging my husband. I stopped criticizing. I tried to love him and to show that I loved him even if I never got anything in return. I was patient and understanding. I stopped telling him what to do. I even learned to LOVE MYSELF. I kid you not....thats a huge thing to say coming from someone (ME) who used to think it romantic to be depressed and hate oneself haha.

I learned to love who I was. Ive learned to even say it out loud to myself, IN THE MIRROR. Thats huge stuff. I tried so hard to be the best wife i could. I knew I could never justify before God why our marriage failed because he was a crappy husband, when I was also being a crappy wife. So....time went on....lots of patience and heart ache. His addiction got worse.  His lying got worse. His damn video games got worse. I found out through the spy programs just how bad his addiction was. He viewed porn MANY TIMES A DAY, sometimes for hours at a time. He chatted and video chatted with all sorts of women, even 60 yrs old.

The man I knew, the man I loved and lived with, the FATHER of my children, could not have been this man online preying on woman, could he? My counselor helped me understand that he was "grooming" woman. He even went as far as having sex with my cousins wife who was having a "hard time" while her and my cousin were separating. And then.......that was it. That was my golden ticket. After trying so hard to make it work, my ex husband was just not willing to change. So I filed for divorce. I had to protect myself and my children. Ive learned to love and forgive the "lion", but that doesnt mean I have to endanger myself and kids by living WITH the "lion". The divorce was easy and quick. We have remained very cordial. He sees the kids every other weekend. I love my ex husband and he's remarried with a new baby, to a good person and Im happy for him πŸ’—

THAT was my 1st marriage. I know. I'm sorry this is long. 😁

NOW onto the last few years:) I met my 2nd current husband from facebook a few years ago. Well honestly, we were friends in 9th grade and i always had a crush on him, and we started talking again on facebook. I thought I was marrying the perfect man. Perfect love story. He talked so much, and he was hilarious and could take my sarcasm well, which is a must :) He's LDS, went on a mission, hes so spiritual. Ha he doesnt even mind crying. We dated for only a short short short amount of time...ha I wont go into specifics, but lets just say it was a VERY short dating period. I tried to be so so careful this time around. I didnt want to end up with another sex addict with anger issues, so I had my counselor screen him, I had the bishop of my church screen him, I asked him every prying question and I even asked his older sister to tell me dirt on him. He passed all of it with flying colors. He had no problem with deeply discussing himself or his family history. We both decided no sex before marriage. He was a classic GOOD GUY. He never ever ever drank, smoked, he never had sex or even felt up a girl before. A nice guy. I thought I FINALLY...that I FINALLY found the right man. The man I could forever be with. He was GREAT, and i mean GREAT with my kids. They being so young (1 and 2 at the time) they naturally called him daddy, and their real dad "Dad". My bishop married us, and a year later we were sealed in the Temple for time and all eternity, and my ex husband gave permission for us to be sealed to my kids, it was such a blessing. We even had our own daughter together soon after we were married. We were so open with eachother about EVERYTHING. He knew everything about me and my past. Life was blissful. 2 years of blissful life. 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍


Then 2 years into the marriage, I found something strange on his computer.....

Pornography (you can hear the dramatic music in the backround). He denied and denied and lied and lied, made up the craziest stories...then after a few weeks and me continuing to ask questions, the truth started trickling out. Never all at once. Its always been a little truth here, a little truth there, and then it comes out....

My husband has been addicted to pornography and has been all along.

I never was angry with him at first...more just stunned. I kept telling him over and over that its OK if he makes mistakes. I fully understand how hard overcoming addiction can be. I JUST needed honesty. And for the first 2-3 years after finding out it was a never ending up and down roller coaster. He did really great for a few days....then started the isolating which lead to lying (about the stupidest most random stuff. Like buying a soda... Really!?!? A SODA?) which eventually led to yellow lighting, which ALWAYS led to pornography.

I gave him so many chances. I was the most understanding loving wife. I already went through this, so I was thankful to have had an idea of how to handle it all, but man.....the constant lying. This time was so so much worse. I started turning angry and wanting to rip his head off. I NEVER WOULD HAVE MARRIED HIM HAD I KNOWN ABOUT HIS ADDICTION. Im thankful his addiction has not escalated to what my ex husbands was, but an addiction is an addiction. Addiction can and WILL escalate if it's not stopped. Thats how sex addiction is. You cant ever get enough...it takes more and more to give the same effect after a while.

I was living with constant tension and fear because I never knew when he would snap. Because hes a "quiet" snapper. But... he hid it so well for 2 years. Why didn't I see it?? A part of me has always known there was tension there, but I ignored my gut intuition because he always claimed he wasnt mad, or that "no, that didnt bother me". I was never scared he'd hurt me and he never called me names like my ex husband did. But his neglect and passive aggressiveness was HELL.

We also had another child (my 4th) soon after I found out about his addiction.  She was a surprise. I wont go into much detail on that but it'll suffice to say that she was a very difficult baby and is now 4yrs old and STILL doesn't sleep πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜„

Moving on..... Its so hard to write the entire story because there's too much info. But after the first 2-3 yrs after I found out about my husband, I eventually learned how to form strong boundaries. We even separated for 7 months and I had him do a full disclosure and polygraph. If he didn't pass, I was going to file for divorce. I couldn't handling the lying anymore.

The last couple years since have been SO MUCH BETTER. He now sees a PSYCHOLOGIST who does EMDR and goes to SA meetings. He hasn't been perfect, and hes relapsed a couple times like a little booger over the last 2-3 years. But his behavior is muuuch better and I thoroughly enjoy him 95% of the time (although 70% If the kids are around), whereas before he was only enjoyably maybe 10% of the time, and 2% around the kids 😁

I don't trust him still. I'm not sure I ever care to.  But I've learned I don't need to trust him in order to be happy, and he doesn't need my trust in order to get better. I only trust God. We shall see where this marriage goes one day at a time. Everything could come crashing down tomorrow and he could go back to his addiction. But for now, today, I am happy and we are good πŸ’—πŸ’—

2 comments:

  1. Wow . Really , Wow. You have strength like the Marines. Emotional , physical and spiritual. I have been reading your blog for awhile and wish I had " been here" when you first wrote this. It must have been not so fun to pour out your heart and wonder ...hmm... but here I am in this crappy war with all these crappy lust demons I am fighting off my husband ! Ok , feels like it , but YOU have come through the war and are home with a purple heart ! I know it is a daily fight we must never quit. You probably hear this a lot , but I am so so so proud of you for becoming honest, quitting everything cold turkey and SO glad you lived to tell about it !!

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