Unconditional Love Requires Boundaries
Enabling is NOT Unconditional Love
un·con·di·tion·al:"And know ye that ye shall be judges of this people, according to the judgment which I shall give unto you, which shall be just. Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am." 3 Ne. 27:27
1. without condition or limitation; absolute.
Christ's love for us is unconditional. It's a beautiful thing. His love is not based on us being perfect, or whether we go to church or not, or whether we accidentally say SHIT very loudly during church volleyball :) We are His children and He loves all of us sinners. His love knows no bounds. (For the sake of simplicity, I'm using the word unconditional, although the more appropriate word is Divine Love https://www.lds.org/ensign/2003/02/divine-love?lang=eng)
We are also commanded to become like Christ. In order to become like Christ we must learn by His example.
And what is one of Christ's loving example's?
Unconditional Love
We must learn how to love others unconditionally. Including our husbands. And not just others and our husbands, we must learn to love ourselves.
Self-Love
President Howard W. Hunter:
“It has always struck me as being sad that those among us...will nevertheless be cruel and unforgiving to themselves. When the scriptures say to judge righteously, that means with fairness and compassion and charity. That’s how we must judge ourselves. We need to be patient and forgiving of ourselves, just as we must be patient and forgiving of others.”Elder D. Chad Richardson
"Apparently, many individuals do not understand the importance of self-forgiveness in the process of repentance. The Lord, however, makes no exceptions when He declares, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men”. This includes forgiving ourselves."
Cheryl C Lant LDS .org
"As we love ourselves the way the Lord would have us do, we are prepared to truly love others. Self-love and a love of God should become the foundation upon which a life of love and service to others is based.
Another one of Christ's loving examples is:
BOUNDARIES
We NEED Boundaries in order to become Christ-like. Without Boundaries we wouldn't be following His example.
Is this not the best and greatest example of a Boundary? :
"And whoso believeth in me, and is baptized, the same shall be saved; and they are they who shall inherit the kingdom of God.
And whoso believeth not in me, and is not baptized, shall be damned. " 3 Ne. 11:33
God is the ultimate CREATOR of Boundaries. He tells us that if we want to live with Him, we must do what He says , ie. "keep His commandments". If we don't keep commandments we simply just can't live WITH Him where He lives (nor am I sure we'd want to....awkward)
He will still love us unconditionally either way.
In addition, the Lord asks us to NEVER Tolerate evil.
Tolerate Definition:
"To allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of without interference; To accept or endure"
These LDS .org quotes may better help explain this concept :
Elder David E Sorenson
"I would like to make it clear that forgiveness of sins should not be confused with tolerating evil. In fact, in the Joseph Smith Translation, the Lord said, “Judge righteous judgment.” The Savior asks us to forsake and combat evil in all its forms, and although we must forgive a neighbor who injures us, we should still work constructively to prevent that injury from being repeated. A woman who is abused should not seek revenge, but neither should she feel that she cannot take steps to prevent further abuse. Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil. It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see in the world around us or in our own lives."Sister Aileen H. Clyde ensign:
"If charity is not always quick to our understanding, it may occasionally be quick to our misunderstanding. It is not charity or kindness to endure any type of abuse or unrighteousness that may be inflicted on us by others. God’s commandment that as we love him we must respect ourselves suggests we must not accept disrespect from others. It is not charity to let another repeatedly deny our divine nature and agency. It is not charity to bow down in despair and helplessness. That kind of suffering should be ended, and that is very difficult to do alone. "LDS P.A.S.G - "Pornography Addiction Support Program" Manual for wopa's/wives/women (it's amazing) says:
PRINCIPLE #8
"The love of God does not supersede His laws and His commandments, and the effect of God’s laws and commandments does not diminish the purpose and effect of His love”
" Truly showing love may require us to do hard things, like setting limits, enforcing consequences, and obeying civil laws. Elder Russell M. Nelson taught that “real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation—not acquiescence! Real love does not support self-destructing behavior”
We have a responsibility to set limits, make rules, and hold family members accountable for their choices. This is not done to control but rather to help our families stay safe and to minimize the negative impact of the addiction. Establishing clear limits and consequences may be necessary in order to help our loved ones find recovery and healing. Setting limits will also help invite the Spirit into our homes and in the lives of our family members.
An appropriate place to begin is to insist that our homes be free from pornography, addictive substances, or related negative influences.
We Need Not Endure Our Loved Ones’ Abusive Behavior: Any abuse we experience at the hands of our loved ones is unacceptable. “Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others. It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt, and fear". Addiction itself can be a form of abuse.....the Lord does not expect or want us to endure abusive behavior. It is important for us to take necessary steps to be safe and to stop the abuse. We need to seek help from Heavenly Father, Church leaders, or other trusted individuals about how to protect ourselves. In some instances separation or divorce may be justified. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said, “We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it”PRINCIPLE #9
"... Because relapse is so common, some may rationalize that it is part of recovery as long as they are doing their best. However, it is important to remember that relapse is part of the addiction process, not the recovery process. We should be careful not to condone our loved ones’ excuses or justifications for their poor choices. Chronic relapse into addictive behaviors indicates that our loved one has not yet fully recovered. It may mean that loved ones need to make greater efforts and receive more intensive treatment. We may need to set additional boundaries or limits with them. If our loved ones try to minimize the seriousness of a relapse, our clear and honest perspective can help them see that they are deceiving themselves and need additional help.
Enabling or ignoring their behavior may perpetuate their addiction and increase our suffering. They need to understand that we love them but that continued addictive behavior and rationalizing their actions is not something we can condone. We can lovingly and honestly respond to their relapse and rationalizations to help them understand how their actions affect us and themselves. The Lord counsels us to support others with “love unfeigned” while also clearly communicating our feelings of disapproval of the addictive behavior"
So in order to truly TRULY love someone unconditionally as Christ does, Self-Love, Boundaries, and not tolerating evil is not just recommended, it's NECESSARY.
Enabling or tolerating our addict husband's behavior is actually, by very definition, the OPPOSITE of unconditional love and being Christ-like.
