Friday, June 17, 2016

Is There Something Wrong With Me That Attracts Sex Addicts?

Is There Something Wrong With You That Attracts Addicts? 

I used to believe so, but I no longer do. 

Hear me out. 

If statistics say 70-99% of men are looking at porn now days (and those are only the ones who admit it)........

... Then you could be the most healthy person in the world and guess what? The odds are still against you. 

If healthy people attracted ONLY healthy people then that would imply that all wives of sex addicts are somehow UNhealthy. And if healthy only attracted healthy.... how is it that some therapists marry sex addicts? Therapists are the "teachers of emotional health". How is it that some of the strongest spiritual people I know have husbands that are sex addicts? Or some of the smartest most successful women I know?? AND why have I met a few UN-healthy women who do NOT have sex addict husbands?? Why did they get the luck of the draw?? How does that make sense?

So this is what I've learned and is my conclusion:

Every single person in the world has problems they need to work through. Everyone has different trials.


That's the point of this life: TO LEARN. 

Could it be possible there are people who are attracted to dysfunction and ONLY date dysfunctional people because they want dysfunction? Yea, just like it's possible I could win the lottery tomorrow. But I have yet to meet someone who ACTUALLY (and I mean really) fits in this category. 

The reason we ended up with an addict abuser is because he odds are against ALL women, and/or, it's the addicts who sought US out.

But why would they seek out us?

Most of us wives are very loving trusting people. We LOVE to love. And we naturally LOVE to help. We have big hearts. These are healthy qualities. 

Our husbands genuinely wanted a spouse with those qualities for good reasons too (and sometimes not so good reasons). Most of our husbands aren't completely heartless and they do care about us in some way, but their entitlements and love of their addiction came first, and they chose to exploit anything and everything they could. And they abused us because of it. 

I know this because I exploited people when I was active in my addiction for my own selfish gain. I exploited peoples trust in order to keep doing what I wanted. I abused. 

But is that ever the betrayed spouses fault??

Does that mean having loving and trusting qualities are somehow now bad because ANOTHER person used their agency to abuse and exploit our good qualities to hide their addiction for their own gain?


After a wife is exploited by her husbands selfish addiction and was lied to, does that mean she has zero need to educate herself, or setup safety boundaries?


Think of it this way...

If a woman walking home from work was attacked and raped, is it her fault? Did she somehow "ask for it" because she chose to walk home? Was there something inherently wrong with her that somehow attracted the perpetrator?

No, right? She was simply wanting to walk home.

But does that mean she is a perfect flawless person and has no issues of her own to work on? Again, we all have issues. But her issues had nothing to do with a man choosing to rape her. However, does that mean she can't LEARN from the attack? Does it mean she can't learn that it wasn't her fault and become a stronger person because of it? Of course not!

Although.......what if she was wearing a revealing tank top and a mini skirt? Or, what if she was flirting with the man and then he attacked and raped her?? Or, what if she has a family history of abuse and rape? Would that now be partially her fault another man chose to abuse her without her consent?

Still NO.

I am so sad by what this dangerous misconception has subtly done to wives (largely due to victim blaming culture and the incorrect outdated codependency model applied to wives of sex addicts). It's convinced therapists, church leaders, society, etc. to believe that if your husband is a sex addict then it is because YOU must have somehow subconciously sought them out because of YOUR own faulty issues that must be fixed (therefore implying its somehow your fault or you must have wanted it). It's wrong.

JUST like it was wrong when people back in the day used to believe it was a woman's fault for being raped. Or, JUST like it was wrong back in the day when therapists believed that when a child said they were sexually abused they were making it up because they have "needy/attention seeking mental issues". (Yes, therapists used to believe that!).


None of us****** NONE OF US****** did anything to "ask" or deserve to be exploited, cheated on, asked, and lied to. None of us. No matter how many problems we have, WE DIDN'T WANT THIS AND WE DON'T DESERVE IT.

I believe with all my heart that if the majority of us married men who were NOT addicts then we would have normal happy marriages with NORMAL ups and downs. We'd be far from perfect, and we'd still be working on ourselves, but those issues wouldn't be preventing us from having a NORMAL happy marriage with normal issues.

Again, the reason we married addicts is because MOST men regularly view pornography and the odds are against all women! Plain and simple. I know in my case I did everything I could to prevent marrying another addict. I had my husband screened by an expert forensic psychologist, and by my church leader. I asked my husband every question known to man, ex. about his childhood dynamic, when he was exposed to pornography, how often he watched all throughout his life, etc. I even asked his own sister to give me dirt on him. He passed all questions with flying colors. 

Fact is I chose to marry a great man. I prayed and my intuition said it was a good choice. He was a great man when I met him. GREAT. And he was a great man when I married him. There was no way for me to know he had a darker side. But my husband chose to turn back to his addiction after we were married (the addiction he fully didn't realize he had) . He had the chance to change for good, and he chose to go back to his addiction.

Fellow victims, what happened is not our faults! Sometimes there's nothing we can do to prevent marrying an addict. Nothing. Not even our gut intuitions or God will always warn us about dangerous people. Because we aren't human lie detectors, and because people have agency to hurt others if they choose. Thankfully WE have the power to use our agency to get help to heal ourselves from the damage another person's agency has caused. Only WE can keep ourselves safe. Only WE can find and accept our self worth again that a perpetrator stole. Only WE can create strong boundaries and stand up for what is right.

And we will be stronger and better for it because in the end we WILL learn great things. 💖

With or without our husbands...