Surprisingly, most professionals actually don't understand what victim blaming is.
Because if they did, they wouldn't still be doing it.
A recent poll suggests that in the last five years 93% of betrayed wives have had an experience with a therapist blaming them, especially blaming them by using the codependency model. Another poll indicates 74% of wives have had experiences with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) who still used victim blaming modalities like the codependency model.
This is shocking because CSATs "claim" they've been trained in the "trauma model" (a phrase that sadly doesn't mean much anymore). The facilitator of the CSAT training and daughter of the man who created the Carnes empire, Dr. Stephanie Carnes, has even recently stated on a podcast that only 1-2% of CSATs still use the codependency model.
Why the discrepancy?
Sadly it's popular for many therapists to SAY they understand trauma and use the "trauma model", but instead will still covertly use the outdated codependency model (they just won't mention the actual word "codependency", as if that makes it any better?), and other victim blaming labels like, Trauma Bonding, Stockholm Syndrome, Prodependency, Drama Triangle, Learned Helplessness, Reactive Abuse, etc. This leaves many unsuspecting traumatized victims unknowingly following codependent/victim blaming beliefs, and in danger of being re-traumatized by well-intentioned therapists.
Sadly it's popular for many therapists to SAY they understand trauma and use the "trauma model", but instead will still covertly use the outdated codependency model (they just won't mention the actual word "codependency", as if that makes it any better?), and other victim blaming labels like, Trauma Bonding, Stockholm Syndrome, Prodependency, Drama Triangle, Learned Helplessness, Reactive Abuse, etc. This leaves many unsuspecting traumatized victims unknowingly following codependent/victim blaming beliefs, and in danger of being re-traumatized by well-intentioned therapists.
This doesn't automatically mean every therapist
who gives out this advice is "bad," it just means they don't yet
fully understand trauma or abuse and need further education so they don't continue to
inadvertently harm their patients (and I mean more trauma & abuse education outside of the Carnes Empire sphere, like maybe Response Based Practice, perhaps?π). I’m not saying to instantly leave your
therapist, I’m just saying to educate yourself on victim blaming language and
ideas.
What is the victim blaming language that you should be aware of?
Here are the most commonly used blaming phrases and ideas, followed by a break down of why it's victim blaming. Basically, according to the US Department of Justice, Harvard Law, United Nations, etc., anything that puts any type of responsibility onto the victim for why they are abused, are with an abuser, or are traumatized by an abuser, is considered victim blaming:
If a therapist or professional ever:
1.
Implies you, the victim, have been
abusive in any way, or that you both have been abusive to each other, aka.
"Mutual Abuse" or "Reactive Abuse"
2.
Refuses to acknowledge
that a lot of the sex addicts behavior is abusive to his partner and family, believes calling the addicts
behaviors abusive is "too shaming" for the addict, refrains from
using the word abuse, doesn't acknowledge the gaslighting, minimizes husbands
behavior, tells you to forgive your husband and move on (ie. the "past is
in the past,”), etc.
3. Blames you in any way, or puts any responsibility onto you for why you're abused, why you're with an addict abuser, or why you're traumatized. And/or desn’t put your safety
FIRST.
a.
Discourages you against
separation or divorce or anything that will help you be safe.
b. Tells you that you have to separate, divorce, etc. Leaving isn't always the safest option.
b.
Doesn't understand how
the addict’s acting out or negative behaviors are extremely dangerous to you
and/or your kids.
4.
Discourages
internet/device monitoring or filtering (aka discourages anything that
resembles “snooping” or “policing”), says monitoring is controlling or
"What's the point? You can't control him, he's going to find a way to act
out anyway. He should be the one to do that himself," etc.
5. Tells you that you're Trauma Bonded, have Stockholm Syndrome, Learned Helplessness, or are "addicted" to your spouse, etc.
6.
Uses the Karpman Drama Triangle (or pursuer/rescuer/distancer/victim-aggressor type language)
7.
Implies your emotions
are shaming.
a.
Advises you not to show
anger or strong emotion after he relapses or abuses you, “It'll only shame him.”
b.
Believes your reactions
are what contributes or causes him to act out or feel shame & insecurity.
8.
Says or implies that you
are NOT a victim, insinuates being a victim is negative and weak, talks about the word
“victim” as if it's a mood, stance, or state of mind you need to get out of, implies you're in victim-mode or victim mentality, tells you to stop
“playing the victim”, or "It's tempting to be a victim", etc.
9.
Wants you to join a
12-Step group.
10.
Tells you you’re both
equally unhealthy:
a.
Uses words that implies
you and your husband BOTH played a part in the unhealth within the relationship, or are on equal ground (ie.
“We’re all sinners,” “It takes two to tango,” etc.)
b.
Asks you to list out
YOUR faults so “you can be accountable too”.
11. Uses marriage therapy or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT is contraindicated when there's abuse or addiction present
12. Uses Family Systems Theory. FST is also contraindicated since it blames the entire family system for the addiction and abuse, instead of one person's choices to abuse or act out.
13. Discourages you from
asking certain details about his disclosure, implying it’ll only cause you more
“pain”, (ie. Handling you with kid gloves), and/OR tells the addict that they
don't have to tell you details of their acting out “because it might be too ’triggering’ for them to
re-live.”
a. Won't let you have a copy of the disclosure even though it should be your property (Many CSATs are taught to do this π³).
14.
Says you chose him on
some level because of your own issues. You “knew”:
a.
Insists your issues, or
your childhood dynamic, is why you married a dysfunctional person, and/or why
you didn't see his behaviors for what they were, didn't know he was lying,
didn't set boundaries or enabled him, etc.
b.
OR that he chose you
because you were weak/had a history of abuse etc.
15.
Uses lingo like stay on
“your side of the street” (lane, grass, etc) and basically encourages you to
not focus on anything he's doing, implies you aren't doing "your
part" in the marriage and/or aren’t “meeting your husband in the middle”.
16.
Promotes "Prodependency"
(which is a nicer stealthier version of codependency, but still victim blaming)
17.
Calls your behaviors a
"relapse/slip".
18.
Uses words like
"Attachment issue/ wound/ disorder/syndrome/addiction/compulsion" when explaining your trauma or responses.
19.
Doesn't want you to make
any big decisions for 6-12 months, OR wants you to wait 6-12 months for a full
disclosure.
20.
Believes polygraphs
aren't going to help you or the addict.
21.
Suggests you have
sexual/intimacy anorexia.
22.
Advises you not to tell
anyone about his addiction without his permission, it’s “not your story to
tell.”
23.
Encourages you to find
ways to connect to your husband (ie. date night, etc.) DESPITE the fact that
he's been rude, acting out, lying, gaslighting, defensive, pressuring you, abusive, etc., and hasn't done the necessary things to become a safe person.
24.
Your therapy or marriage
therapy is centered around what will, ultimately, help HIM and his addiction, OR, on the flip side, your therapist doesn’t want you to ever mention him at
all, "only focus on you".
25.
Gives you the impression
it’s your fault you don’t trust him. Tries to guilt you into believing your
husband is doing so great, ie. "Do you see him crying right now, look how
vulnerable he is, this is a man in recovery. Why are you still so apprehensive?
Why don’t you trust him? He’s doing great!"
26.
Wants you to accept slips
& relapses and says they are a part of recovery, believes masturbation for
a sex addict is healthy, etc.
27.
Believes the
codependency model and the trauma model can be used together, and doesn’t have
to be either/or.
28.
Recommends the Facing
Heartbreak workbook by Dr. Stephanie Carnes (or any Carnes book), or uses language from it like "secret cloak-like behaviors",
“Crazy-making reactive choices” which are part of the “toxic dance”, "Dagger-like behaviors:......"A
dagger brings to mind the potential for pain and damage....emotions that are
not expressed appropriately in the relationship can "cut" the
addict....Circle all the destructive dagger-like behaviors you have used when
reacting to your partner’s sex addiction". Some of the behaviors listed in
the workbook are:
§
Snooping
§
Searching files
§
Canceling magazine
subscriptions
§
Searching the home
§
Searching his phone
§
Installing computer
Spyware
§
(FYI, this is also
called Monitoring software)
§
Hiring a private
detective
§
Throwing away porn
stashes
§
Yelling
§
Silence
§
Blaming
§
Gaining Weight (!!!?)
§
Profanity
§
Telling children of
partner’s addictions
§
Calling addict names
§
Threats of telling
church leaders
§
Monitoring progress with
anger
§
Interrogating
§
Demands for attention
Now, let's talk about why these things are victim blaming and/or addict abuser coddling:
1. Self-Defense : "a countermeasure that involves defending the health and well-being of oneself from harm."
Sometimes a therapist
will claim that a wife was being abusive, as well, when she yelled back,
slapped, or pushed her husband. Let’s get one thing straight here, there is no
such thing as mutual abuse. Someone will always have more power in the
relationship. For example, If a husband repeatedly abuses his wife for years
(mentally, emotionally or physically) and in a bout of gaslighting her during
an argument she screams at him to stop lying and throws something across the
room, this is called a self-defense reaction. No one is saying it's the
"best" response, but it's self-defense NOT mutual abuse. Let’s say
this same wife tries to walk away to get into a safer space and the husband
blocks the doorway, refusing to let her leave and she screams and pushes him?
Again, this is self-defense. Both times her safety was threatened. The problem
in that situation isn't the wife, her anger, her trauma or anything to do with
her. The problem is the abuser who is harming her. Read these :
&
2. It is abusive when an addict continually lies, manipulates, &
gaslights their partner. Plain and simple. This should be common sense by now.
Are Porn Users Abusive?
Are Pornography &
Infidelity Abusive To Your Spouse
https://www.btr.org/is-pornography-use-abusive-to-your-spouse/
https://www.btr.org/is-pornography-use-abusive-to-your-spouse/
3 Reasons Why
Pornography Is An Abuse Issue
https://www.btr.org/3-reasons-why-pornography-is-an-abuse-issue/
https://www.btr.org/3-reasons-why-pornography-is-an-abuse-issue/
3.
You are never responsible or culpable for your partners choice to abuse you, for why you ended up with an abuser, or for why you have trauma from being abused. & Your
husband is the perpetrator. The victim’s safety should ALWAYS come first, even
if it means separation or divorce. An addict’s acting out and abusive behaviors
are extremely dangerous to the welfare and safety of the family. I've known
mothers who have passed on an STD to their newborn child, become infertile,
ended up with cancer, had a child molest a sibling, become depressed, become
unable to do normal daily tasks, developed autoimmune disorders, etc. (the list
is endless) all because of a husband’s acting out & abuse. Pornography
itself is the only drug in existence that is evil, and from personal experience from being hooked on a drug 50x more potent than heroin, pornography is far more addictive. We must take this seriously.
4.
Part of this safety
includes being able to do anything and everything possible to protect one's
self and one's home from pornography and/or abuse. Wives have a fundamental
right to know what danger their husbands are putting them and their children
in. More explanation here: To Filter or Not
https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2014/11/to-filter-or-not-part-2-is-computer.html?m=1
5. Stockholm Syndrome:
"'Stockholm Syndrome' was invented in 1973 after a hostage taking at a bank in central Stockholm, Sweden. One of the hostages, Kristin Enmark, criticized police and government responses as dangerous and disorganized and [for being] aligned tactically with the hostage takers.
After the hostage taking, Kristin became the first person said to have “Stockholm Syndrome”, a new label invented just for the occasion. Since then, “Stockholm Syndrome” has become a received truth, a concept that both reflects and upholds the habit of finding pathologies in the minds of victims of violence, particularly women. Oddly, the psychiatrist who coined the term “Stockholm Syndrome” never spoke with Kristin Enmark. Neither have present day experts who present misinformation and perpetuate the myth."
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=drI4HFJkbCc
&
Trauma Bond :
The term "Trauma Bond" is incredibly victim blaming and a dangerous term for abuse victims. I'm not saying people can't bond while in trauma, that definitely happens and is a good thing. I'm referring to the term Trauma Bonding created by Patrick Carnes and influenced by the bogus Stockholm Syndrome.
To put it simply, the whole foundation behind Trauma Bonding is that there is something wrong with the woman (victim) and THAT'S why she stays with an abuser. Ie. She has childhood trauma, and that's why she accepts the abuse / She has a mental disorder, and that's why she accepts abuse / She has insecurities, and that's why... etc etc. This is complete bulls** and is wrong. https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1
Learned Helplessness:
Prodependency:
6. Involvement in a Drama
Triangle is not something another person is doing to you, it's something you
are equally doing WITH another person. It implies that both people are acting
upon their own selfish needs. The reasons BEHIND the drama triangle are
completely different than an abuser-victim situation where the victim is being
injured and is not on equal ground with the abuser. Even the creator of the Drama Triangle stated that the "Victim" in the triangle is not a real victim and is just playing one. Therefore, if your spouse is abusive, you are NOT in the drama triangle.
7.
It's perfectly healthy
and understandable for a wife to be angry, scream out in pain, yell expletives,
etc. after she's repeatedly been run over by a diesel truck… which her
"drunk" husband was driving. If a husband didn't want his wife to be
angry, he shouldn't have betrayed her. Furthermore, a wife’s natural reaction
to being run over is NOT what creates an addict to feel shame, to act out, or
to have insecurities. Addicts felt shame, acted out, and were insecure long
before they met their wives. Blaming the wife would be like me punching you,
and after you said "OUCH, why did you do that!???“ I started crying and
replied "Why are you so mean to me!??? Why can't I do anything right in
your eyes?". Also see #1 about self-defense.
8.
When did “victim” become
such a negative thing? "Victim" is simply a word used to describe a
person who has been harmed, injured, attacked, or fooled by someone or
something else. It doesn't define who a person is. It's not a mood or frame of mind. It doesn't mean weakness. Also, the term "victim mode" is for someone who acts like a victim who is NOT a victim. If you truly are a victim, by definition you cannot "act like a victim" or be in victim mode.
When Did Victim Become A Bad Word?https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201504/when-did-victim-become-bad-word?amp
When Did Victim Become A Bad Word?https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201504/when-did-victim-become-bad-word?amp
9.
12-Step groups for wives
are ALL codependency-based, whether they use the word or not. They were CREATED
from the belief that wives are just as diseased and addicted as the addict,
therefore, needing 12-Step just like the addict. (Yes, even S-Anon, who doesn't
use the actual word codependency, but S-anon still believes wives are just as
"diseased" as the addict.) Picture from Sanon book :
10.
Just read these:
History of Codependency and why it isn't real
Codependency Harms
Do I Attract Sex Addicts
11. Marriage therapy and/orEmotion Focused Therapy is contraindicated when there's abuse or addiction present. Sue Johnson, the creator of EFT has also stated this several times Yet, why do so many therapists still use it? Why don't they care about victims' safety first? Marriage therapy puts the marriage first, not the victims' safety first. Which ultimately only coddles the abuser and caters to him.
12. Family Systems Theory puts blame on the victims instead of solely the abuser. Everyone in the family is at fault and contributing. This is why many state gov't Intimate Partner Violence agencies refuse to use it, because it fails to identify who is the victim and who is the perpetrator. Read more HERE https://www.facebook.com/share/p/BQGEkRnQWK4uW3Df/?mibextid=oFDknk
13. It's 100% up to the wife
how many details she wants or needs to hear. "Disclosure to the partner is
also a question of ethics. As human beings, we are all entitled to certain
rights. Among these is the right to relationship choice and freedom from
exploitation in relationship. Informed consent is a concept which entitles each
partner to all information which bears upon the other person’s well-being,
including their rightful choice to continue in a relationship. This is a
fundamental individual right. Keeping
someone in a relationship under false pretenses represents exploitation. Every partner is ethically entitled to
relationship-relevant information and the freedom to make decisions based on
this information. Relationship decisions are rightly made by both adult partners.
If the sex addict keeps secrets in order to maintain the relationship, control
is unjustly seized by the addict – a paternalistic abuse of power."
https://web.archive.org/web/20160608003650/http://newyorkpathways.com/blog/disclosure-and-sex-addiction-by-michael-reilly/
14.
Again, just read these :
History of Codependency and WHY it isn't real
Codependency Harms:
https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2018/10/codependency-harms.html?m=1
Do I Attract Sex Addicts
https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2016/06/do-i-subconsciously-attract-sex-addicts.html?m=1
15.
It's kind of difficult
to "stay on your side of the street" or "mind your own
business" when your husband is flinging his crap all over you. This lingo
came from codependency-based 12-Step groups.
16.
Prodependency was
created by Dr Robert Weiss. Here's examples of what he's said that is victim blaming ** FYI, I do NOT recommend Rob Weiss in any capacity :
17.
A wife is not the same
as the addict. The wife is not the perpetrator. Her actions or intentions
behind those actions are not the same as a "slip/relapse." Addiction
lingo should not be used for wives with trauma & PTSD!
18.
When someone injures you
it's not because you have an "attachment issue". Plain and simple.
19.
Refer back to #10. A
wife shouldn't be kept in a marriage under false pretenses. Plus, it doesn't
take an addict 6-12 months to be honest, that's ridiculous.
20.
Polygraphs have helped
so many wives AND addicts. Heck, I think the polygraph helped my husband more
than it did me. :
Should A Husband Take a Polygraph?
https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2016/08/should-my-husband-take-polygraph.html?m=1
21.
Sadly, therapist Doug
Weiss labels wives with "Intimacy Anorexia" all the time π. If a wife doesn't feel safe having sex with her husband, for ANY
reason, then she DOESN'T HAVE STUPID SEXUAL ANOREXIA. She's just wanting to
stay safe! ** FYI, I do NOT recommend Doug Weiss in any capacity.
22.
It became YOUR story the
second he chose to betray you and put you in danger. You can talk to anyone and
everyone you want about what happened to you πππ. If someone mugged you, would you think it reasonable for the mugger (or anyone) to ask you not to tell people what he did to you? I think not π.
23.
Why would anyone in
their right mind tell an injured victim to spend MORE time with their abuser
who is still abusive and unsafe? In what world would that ever be healthy!?!???
24.
Both extremes are
harmful to traumatized wives. Many sex addiction therapists are trained to help
the addict (help the addict get sober, help the wife better respond to the
addict, help the wife fix her "issues" so she doesn't trigger the
addict, etc). This is called "Addict-Centric". But, on the flip side,
some therapists also will tell the wife not to pay attention to anything her
husband is doing and only focus on herself (which is also addict-centric). But,
like #12 states, it's kind of hard to "mind your own business" when the addict is
flinging his crap all over you. Plus, even if you COULD mind your own business,
that doesn't mean you necessarily should. "Never focusing on the
addict" is like telling someone to not focus on the shark swimming
around them. It's kiinda important to
know where the shark is so you know where to swim away or how fast to build a
cage, eh?π
25.
When the person you
loved the most runs you over with a diesel truck, repeatedly, should you trust
them!??? Trust is earned. If an addict wants to be trusted, they should prove
they are a trustworthy person. Trust is never something that someone should be
forced or pressured into. When an addict is truly a safe person, trust will
naturally come. Refer to #20.
26.
Slips and relapses (or
ANY acting out) are NEVER a part of the recovery process. You can't act out and still be sober or IN recovery. Does acting out sometimes happen if an addict chooses to? Yes addicts sometimes choose this, it but it should never be expected or tolerated.
What is Recovery? Read this list :
All About Slips, Lapses, & Relapses https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2014/11/what-do-slip-lapses-and-relapses-all.html?m=1
27.
The codependency model
and the trauma model are TWO completely different things. Entirely different.
Like oil and water. There's no way for them to be hybrid, they contradict each
other :
History of Codependency and why it isn't real
Codependency Harms
28.
Although, Stephanie
Carnes came out and "said" she never liked the codependency model and
is pro-trauma model now, what she REALLY has done is just slapped the word
"trauma" over the codependency model. Just switched those two words
and BAM, she's now a trauma therapist! π♀️π In her Facing
Heartbreak workbook, behaviors like "Searching files, searching the home,
searching his phone, installing computer Spyware, hiring a private detective,
adopting a victim stance (πhuh? We ARE victims,
wth?), yelling, silence, blaming, gaining weight (Whaaat!?? π³), telling children, telling church leaders",...the list goes
on and on. Aren't those such amazing gems? The whole workbook has little gems
like this woven into it. So ladies, shame on you for choosing to engage in such
"toxic crazy-making reactions". Don't ever try to find the truth for
yourself in order to keep yourself and your home SAFE. Don't you dare gain
weight while in trauma, that would be a dagger-like behavior and would cut the
addict and hurt both of you, and don't blame him for something he really did
do, that's bad. Also, even though you're in such horrible pain and trauma and
are so confused and gaslit you don't know up from down, DON'T EVEN THINK about
having any negative emotions that could lead to yelling, profanity, or even
telling your children, church leaders, or basically ANYONE, because that would
be viewed, by your husband, as a threat.
BOTTOM LINE, if you’re still unsure, the best
way to know if a professional is victim blaming or using the codependency model is to ask
yourself this regarding the professionals advice "Would they say things like this to me had I been brutally raped?". If the answer is
"No", then chances are the advice is rooted in victim blaming beliefs.ππ
***Special thanks to all the amazing courageous women who helped me. I love my friendsπ
Resources:
Resources:
How To Find A Therapist
&
A Needed Change by Barbara Steffens
I Am Not A Co-Addict (Codependent)
and Neither Are You
Blaming the Victim: Domestic
Violence and the Codependency Model - PDF Download
Are Pornography & Infidelity Abusive to Your Spouse? Podcast/article with Dr. Omar Minwalla (I no longer recommend Minwalla, however this article is still good)
What's Wrong With Codependency
The Truth About 12 Steps
https://www.btr.org/truth-about-12-step/?fbclid=IwAR0qaDpSlewh2flAc0swLkQFjA4Ku2rTzsJ0EXsKWC8_w4lYi0VM9aWrxug
How The Codependency Model Perpetuates Abuse
https://www.muchnessmama.com/head-above-water-how-the-codependent-model-perpetuates-abuse/?fbclid=IwAR0vSgDL2hiMSoj0hFrSgFVmfIDUCaIi77flOZUClS137-zVjNidMXBulqU
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/cf0b/55cfac747f511732f2739f12baa83a4cee0e.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiDjer0govmAhUSpJ4KHbdNDMcQFjAJegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw13s4gcIS__AucnvkHJFxBL
How The Codependency Model Perpetuates Abuse
https://www.muchnessmama.com/head-above-water-how-the-codependent-model-perpetuates-abuse/?fbclid=IwAR0vSgDL2hiMSoj0hFrSgFVmfIDUCaIi77flOZUClS137-zVjNidMXBulqU
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/cf0b/55cfac747f511732f2739f12baa83a4cee0e.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiDjer0govmAhUSpJ4KHbdNDMcQFjAJegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw13s4gcIS__AucnvkHJFxBL