The Overuse of Narcissism : Why Most Abusers Aren't Narcissists

“He’s such a narcissist”

How many of us have heard people say things like this in reference to a perpetrator of abuse? Do perpetrators really have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or is this a term that has been overused and misused?

According to the DSM 5 [1], Personality Disorders are biological, and the behaviors are “enduring”, “stable over time”, and “pervasive and inflexible” . The DSM 5 states :

“The pattern in personality disorders is maladaptive and relatively inflexible, which leads to disabilities in social, occupational, or other important pursuits, as individuals are unable to modify their thinking or behavior, even in the face of evidence that their approach is not working. “

(**Note “unable to modify their thinking or behavior”. This further attributes to the DSM’s claim that personality disorders are not choices, they are a part of who the person is)

Having NPD means the person can't help it. Therapist Randy Withers LCMHC states :

"While people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are capable of some truly terrible behaviors, they are nonetheless people who suffer from a mental illness that is largely beyond their control. 

Those with a different point of view might take issue with what I have just said. NPD is a personality disorder, they would say. That’s totally different than a mental disorder like depression.

But they’d be wrong. The American Psychiatric Association classifies personality disorders as a type of mental disorder. The Mayo Clinic notes this as well, and research published in the British Journal of Psychiatry notes that their distinction is arbitrary."

If a perpetrator was truly a narcissist, you would see the disorder in all aspects of their life. Ie. Interaction with boss, coworkers, parents, wife, pastor, friends, strangers, etc. But as many victims of abuse have experienced, abusers are generally just abusive to their partners and/or kids, but can put on a happy smile and act like a saint whenever they want to, when they want to impress someone, or when it’s important to them. This shows evidence their harmful behavior and mistreatment is a CHOICE, not a biological dysfunction and disorder they “can’t help”.

Bruno Bettelheim: The Shocking History Of Trauma Bonding

I wanted to expound more on the history of the blaming label "Trauma Bonding"  (to read why Trauma Bonding is victim blaming, and what the creator, Patrick Carnes, says about it, click HERE ).

Dutton & Painter first mentioned a process called "traumatic bonding" back in the 80's, and Patrick Carnes took it and popularized it into an actual label called "Trauma Bonding". Dutton & Painter were influenced by other researchers like Porter, Walker, Ferenczi, and especially Bruno Bettelheim (I went down a long rabbit hole of reading 😳). 

Watching Porn Is Cheating

Ever wonder WHY watching pornography without consent of your partner is also cheating? It's because there's a part of the brain that cannot tell the difference between what's real or what's imagined. This is why we can laugh, cry, flinch etc. during movies or imagining something.

When a person is watching porn, reading porn, or masturbating to lust/fantasy in their head, the brain is literally chemically bonding to ANOTHER person. Whether a sex addict abuser is cheating with someone in real life or with the person their brain thinks is real, it's all chemically REAL to the brain. The only difference is the threat of STI's, pregnancy, etc. 

This is why sex addict abusers don't even technically need porn after a while, they can just imagine the porn (lust/fantasy). Sex addiction is one of the only addictions that someone can get high from just the lust/fantasy in their head. I sure could never get drunk from alcohol only by thinking of it.