What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries. What are they? Though I've always had certain boundaries, I didn't know they were called "boundaries". I know how confusing and hair pulling it is to figure out what boundaries are and how they apply to you, so bare with me.
Boundaries Definition:
“a line determining the limits of an area” - Vocabulary
“unofficial rules about what should not be done : limits that define acceptable behavior” - Britannica
“Hey, That's Not Ok”
Boundaries are all about our safety and well being. Boundaries help establish personal limits, defining what you are comfortable with and how you want to be treated by others. Imagine boundaries as a fence around your property, a line of what you think is OK and what you think is not OK. They are safety measures. It's what causes us to internally say "Hey, that's not ok" when harmed. It also can cause us to do things to try and keep ourselves safe, the best we can, from that harm.
Sadly, a common first response among sex addiction/betrayal trauma professional's is to tell victims that boundaries will always stop or prevent someone from harming you, or that a boundary isn't a boundary unless you attach a consequence to it, or that boundaries help you stop “allowing/tolerating/letting/accepting” the abuse, or that you lack boundaries altogether and aren't safe because you don't have boundaries, or.
These are myths.
First, boundaries cannot magically force anyone to stop choosing to harm you.
Second, there's no official dictionary definition that says a boundary must have a consequence attached, a boundary can be a boundary with, or without, a consequence.
Third, contrary to popular belief, you didn't allow, tolerate, let, or accept the abuse either. You can't consent (ie. Allow, tolerate, accept, etc.) to something you don't know about, fully understand, or agree to under duress. No one consents to being abused. So I would avoid any professionals who tell you that you need to stop “allowing” him to abuse you, it's victim blaming and inaccurate.
Fourth, when someone chooses to harm you, then THEY are the reason you were harmed, not because you “lacked” in boundaries. You are never to blame.
Plus, want to know something interesting?
You already DO have boundaries. Even if you aren't aware they are called "boundaries", you, right this minute, possess within yourself boundaries. GOOD JOB 👏 👏 👏
Want proof?
Answer these questions:
1. Did you want to be lied to, cheated on, or abused?
2. Are you ok with your partner lying, cheating or abusing you?
3. Had your partner told you the very first time he met you “Hey woman, I'm going to continually lie to you, cheat on you, abuse you, gaslight you, make you feel crazy, and cause you so much pain, do you want to go out again?”... would you have gone out with him again???
4. After you discovered your partner's betrayal, did you try and find some way to improve the situation, find safety, stop being harmed, etc.?
If you answered 3 no's and 1 yes, then this is proof you already had boundaries from day one. Studies also show that ALL victims resist abuse and mistreatment in some way. Why? Because no one wants to be abused. Everyone wants to be treated with love, dignity, and respect. And that constant resistance in order to keep yourself safe IS a form of boundaries, and is always healthy.
Furthermore, your partner knew you had boundaries from day one as well. He knew you didn't want to be lied to, cheated on, and abused. He knew you wouldn't have wanted to be with him if you knew the entire truth, which is why he lied.
As Dr Allan Wade states:
“They [perpetrators] are not stupid..You talk to men who have been abusive and..men know that women resist abuse. Men know that women don't like to be abused. Only psychologists think that women fail to resist abuse. Men don't think that way. " - Dr Allan Wade @Response Based Practice
Now, is it possible to gain even more boundaries?
YES! Learning more ways to resist abuse and keep ourselves safe is GREAT! Here's some tips how:
Step By Step Boundaries
One way to gain additional boundaries is to ask yourself, what do you need for your health and safety? What do you WANT for yourself and your life?
Often, boundaries aren't just things we simply want either, they are actually things we NEED in order to be safe. They are things we literally need, both emotionally and physically, in our life in order to live and function in a healthy progressive way so we can thrive. When first figuring out how to implement more boundaries, it may be helpful to figure out what exactly you need and ask yourself these questions:
* What good behavior from your partner are you able to live with in your home and life?
* Are you mentally and physically able to live with someone, without being severely injured or causing long term damage, who is choosing not to change or be safe?
* What types of behavior from your partner are you NOT able to live with in your home and life?
* What personally do YOU want out of your life? What do you want your life to look like?
- Are you able to achieve this while living with an addict who's lying, cheating, and abusing you in your home and/or around your children?
* What are some essential emotional NEEDS you have in your life, and also marriage? (ie. Safety, connection, honesty, etc)
* Are you willing to sleep in the same bed, be intimate with, or live with an addict abuser who is acting out, lying, or being abusive?
* Are you ok living with a partner who has free reign access to pornography (unfiltered or unmonitored Internet devices) in your home around you and/or your children?
* Do you want to live a life being with someone who covertly controls, lies, cheats, gaslights or abuses you? If not, why?
* What do you need in order to keep you and your children safe from an addict abuser?
Next, figure out things you can do to achieve optimal health and safety. Its crucial to have a plan of what you will do if your husband isn't safe. What are YOU able to do in order to follow through on your boundaries? If your husband is not willing to be respectful, faithful, honest, and safe, what are some additional things you can do to keep YOU safe?
Remember, boundaries are about your safety and well being (and childrens, if applicable), not about demanding anyone else to do something. You can't demand or force your husband to leave, be nice, admit he is wrong, be honest, etc. You can ASK him to leave after he lies, cheats, or abuses you, but that doesn't mean he will leave every time you ask (though it's pretty messed up if he doesn't). However, you CAN leave in whatever way is possible for you (ie. Go gray rock, walk away, go for a drive, sleep somewhere else, separation, etc).
It's not required for you to tell your partner your boundaries. You're more than welcome to take action in silence (ex. Get up and leave the room without saying why). You know yourself and your husband better than anyone else, only YOU get to decide what is best and safest for you.
But if you do want to communicate your boundaries, one common method is to state what you NEED > Then state what you are not able to live with > Then, if possible, state what you are going to DO to keep yourself safe if your partner doesn't respect your need for safety boundaries.
Here are a variety of random different boundary wording examples. A few of these are my personal boundaries, but everyone's situation is different, so input safety measures that will help YOU feel safe, and aren't just to change the addict abuser. YOU call the shots 🙌:
- "I need safety in order to survive and thrive. I am only willing to stay with a partner who is actively trying to get into recovery by choosing to stop lying, cheating and abusing, and is willing to take a polygraph and learn about his entitlement and patriarchy, etc. If I do not see consistent recovery behaviors, ie. respect, honesty, integrity, etc., then I won't feel safe being in a relationship with you." (Other examples: sleeping in the same bed with you, being intimate with you, talking to you, etc etc.
- "For my safety, sanity, and mental health, I am not willing to live with a man who chooses to lie. If I am lied to, I will need to distance myself and consider a separation."
- "In order for me to feel safe in this relationship I need all future slips/relapses etc. to be disclosed within 24 hours. If I receive disclosure after 24hrs, OR I discover it myself, then that puts me and the kids in danger and I will need a separation for an undisclosed amount of time."
- "For the safety of me and the children, I will not allow any unmonitored and unfiltered Internet device (computer, phone, TV etc) to enter this home. If I learn of any unprotected device you have brought into my home without my knowledge, I will need a separation for my safety."
- "I love you. I NEED to feel safe in this marriage. I NEED the kids to be safe. I am no longer willing to live with lies. If you lie to me without telling me within 24 hours etc, I will ______."
- "I'm not comfortable living with someone who's not trying to get into recovery by being honest, faithful, respectful, taking a polygraph, reading about entitlement and patriarchy/misogyny, etc. If I do not see these efforts in actions (not words), than I do not feel safe living here."
- "I don't feel safe sleeping in the same bed with someone who is not trying to get into recovery. If I do not see recovery type work like faithfulness, full honesty/transparency, polygraph, etc, then I do not feel safe sleeping in the same bed as you."
- "I need safety in order to thrive and be healthy. I do not feel safe living with a man who is not working to get into recovery. If I do not see recovery type work, then I will detach and cease contact (except directly about kids) so that I can feel safe."
-”If you speak to me that way again, I will ____” (leave the room, sleep on the couch, ask you to leave, go for a drive, etc)
- "I do not feel comfortable living with someone who's not trying to actively get into recovery by doing ___. If I do not see active recovery type actions by ______, then I will begin the divorce process for the safety of me and the kids."
Next, for your safety be prepared to follow through with everything you say. If you say you will not have sex, or you will separate, or you will start divorce proceedings the next time he acts out or lies, etc., be sure you are actually willing to do what you said you would.
Also be prepared for backlash from your husband. If your husband acts up, gets defensive/upset, or throws a tantrum, then know that it's a confirmation that your boundaries are good. Ignore him and DO NOT engage. I repeat, DO NOT ENGAGE. Gray rock is extremely helpful. Don't base the health of your boundaries on his negative reactions. I promise, if it's all about your safety, you ARE doing the right thing for you!
Remember, he's an expert at getting what he wants, so he will do everything in his power to continue getting what he wants, including trying to get you to doubt, back down, stay silent, and not have boundaries. He might even blame you, say you're controlling, call you mean, etc. Your husband has the agency to make any choice he wants (sadly). Your boundaries aren't telling him what he can or can't do. Your boundaries are simply saying "Yes, you can make the choice to act that way, because you're a grown adult with agency. But so am I. And because I love you and also love myself, I am going to do ___ if you choose to lie, cheat, or abuse 💗".
Stay firm. Stand your ground. You got this.
** NOTE : If there's a chance he will get physical, please stop immediately and find safety, or leave while he's gone. If your husband is physically abusive, telling your husband your boundaries can be very dangerous. Do what you feel is best for YOU!
Can My Boundaries Also Help the Addict Abuser?
Boundaries and consequences in life are also indirectly crucial for the addict. While this is a less important aspect, a wife's Boundaries can sometimes produce much needed natural consequences. However, to be clear, our boundaries aren't for the addict (nor is it our job to have boundaries just to give the addict “consequences”), but the fact remains that no addict will change without pain and loss/feeling the natural consequences to their actions, if they so choose. Consequences are wonderful. 💗
Additional Resources:
What Are My Boundaries by Love Is Respect:
Feel free to contact me with questions 💗
