The Overuse of Narcissism : Why Most Abusers Aren't Narcissists

“He’s such a narcissist”

How many of us have heard people say things like this in reference to a perpetrator of abuse? Do perpetrators really have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or is this a term that has been overused and misused?

According to the DSM 5 [1], Personality Disorders are biological, and the behaviors are “enduring”, “stable over time”, and “pervasive and inflexible” . The DSM 5 states :

“The pattern in personality disorders is maladaptive and relatively inflexible, which leads to disabilities in social, occupational, or other important pursuits, as individuals are unable to modify their thinking or behavior, even in the face of evidence that their approach is not working. “

(**Note “unable to modify their thinking or behavior”. This further attributes to the DSM’s claim that personality disorders are not choices, they are a part of who the person is)

Having NPD means the person can't help it. Therapist Randy Withers LCMHC states :

"While people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are capable of some truly terrible behaviors, they are nonetheless people who suffer from a mental illness that is largely beyond their control. 

Those with a different point of view might take issue with what I have just said. NPD is a personality disorder, they would say. That’s totally different than a mental disorder like depression.

But they’d be wrong. The American Psychiatric Association classifies personality disorders as a type of mental disorder. The Mayo Clinic notes this as well, and research published in the British Journal of Psychiatry notes that their distinction is arbitrary."

If a perpetrator was truly a narcissist, you would see the disorder in all aspects of their life. Ie. Interaction with boss, coworkers, parents, wife, pastor, friends, strangers, etc. But as many victims of abuse have experienced, abusers are generally just abusive to their partners and/or kids, but can put on a happy smile and act like a saint whenever they want to, when they want to impress someone, or when it’s important to them. This shows evidence their harmful behavior and mistreatment is a CHOICE, not a biological dysfunction and disorder they “can’t help”.

Bruno Bettelheim: The Shocking History Of Trauma Bonding

I wanted to expound more on the history of the blaming label "Trauma Bonding"  (to read why Trauma Bonding is victim blaming, and what the creator, Patrick Carnes, says about it, click HERE ).

Dutton & Painter first mentioned "traumatic bonding" back in the 80's, and Patrick Carnes took it and popularized it into an actual label  called "Trauma Bonding". Dutton & Painter were influenced by other researchers like Porter, Walker, Forenzi, and especially Bruno Bettelheim (I went down a long rabbit hole reading all of them😳). 

Watching Porn Is Cheating

Ever wonder WHY watching pornography without consent of your partner is also cheating? It's because there's a part of the brain that cannot tell the difference between what's real or what's imagined. This is why we can laugh, cry, flinch etc. during movies or imagining something.

When a person is watching porn, reading porn, or masturbating to lust/fantasy in their head, the brain is literally chemically bonding to ANOTHER person. Whether a sex addict abuser is cheating with someone in real life or with the person their brain thinks is real, it's all chemically REAL to the brain. The only difference is the threat of STI's, pregnancy, etc. 

This is why sex addict abusers don't even technically need porn after a while, they can just imagine the porn (lust/fantasy). Sex addiction is one of the only addictions that someone can get high from just the lust/fantasy in their head. I sure could never get drunk from alcohol only by thinking of it.

How To Find A Therapist To Vet

 How I find therapists to vet :

- Go to PsychologyToday website and input your zip code.

- Then narrow down the search by clicking on "Issues" and selecting the options Domestic Abuse, Sexual Abuse, & Trauma and PTSD. (Do NOT select Addiction or Sexual Addiction!! You don't need an addiction therapist, you need a therapist who understands abuse and trauma. If a therapist TRULY understands abuse, trauma, and victims, then everything sex addiction /betrayal trauma related will be common sense) 

Why The Carnes/CSAT Empire Is Victim Blaming

FYI: The CSAT training is FULL OF CODEPENDENCY/victim blaming. Stephanie Carnes runs the CSAT trainings (her father Patrick Carnes made up the CSAT label and lets her run it. The same Patrick Carnes that also said parents are sexually attracted to their children 🤮 See screenshot at the bottom) and she teaches therapists information about betrayal trauma out of her "Facing Heartbreak" workbook which has a ton of victim blaming. This means that therapists are being told they are learning betrayal trauma, when in fact they are learning a hybrid of victim blaming models and betrayal trauma, and possibly don't even know it.... after all, the Carnes are the "experts" in the sex addiction industry. (Examples of victim blaming models : Codependency, Trauma Bonding, Stockholm Syndrome, Reactive Abuse, Learned Helplessness, Prodependency, telling victims they are acting like a victim, in victim mode, or in victim mentality, etc).

Stephanie Carnes and the CSAT community still have a lot to learn about trauma & abuse. No good therapist would ever say such horrible blaming things below to a woman who has been raped, so why would they say it to a betrayed wife who's being abused? Are all CSATs uneducated? No. But most are, and it's important to remember that the CSAT label doesn't automatically mean a therapist is good. If someone found a good CSAT therapist then I promise it had nothing to do with their weekend CSAT training 💗

90-99% of Men Regularly View Pornography

Pornography Statistics:

"94.2 % [men] had viewed pornography in the last six months. 

Additionally, 82.4% indicated that they currently were regular users of pornography, or had been at some point. Median response for frequency of use over the last six months was 3–4 times per week. Median response for average session length was 15–30 minutes."

*** "religious participants did not report using pornography any more or less frequently than their non-religious counterparts." 

PR

https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Self-Perceived-Effects-of-Pornography-Consumption-Miller-Hald/2d18935d550c560c0962b7c58cd9c1a688866cdc

"Victim" Is Not A Weak Shameful Word

"Victim mode", 

"Victim Mentality", 

"Victim Mindset" 

"Stop playing a Victim", 

"It's tempting to be the victim"(Yes, I'm staring at you Leslie Vernick, author of The Emotionally Destructive Marriage), 

"Be a survivor, not a victim", 

"You're a victim, but you don't have to live there. You have a choice", 

"Victim thinking is actually self centered" - Vicki Tidwell Palmer CSAT, Moving Beyond Betrayal 

"You are only a victim for a nanosecond" - Pia Mellody via Vicki Tidwell Palmer CSAT, Moving Beyond Betrayal 

"Where there is choice... it is impossible to be a victim." - Vicki Tidwell Palmer CSAT, Moving Beyond Betrayal 

"After the actual event of being victimized, you are no longer a victim in the present moment" - Vicki Tidwell Palmer CSAT, Moving Beyond Betrayal 

These phrases and beliefs should NEVER be used with actual victims. I'm tired of the word "victim" being wrongly used as a weapon or way to control/silence victims under the guise of "empowerment". Can you imagine someone saying these things to a victim who just lost their entire home to a natural disaster? : "Stop playing the victim, get out of your victimhood. It's not presently happening to you anymore, you're no longer a victim of natural disaster. Stop being self centered. You have a choice"?? That would be incredibly insensitive and outright mean. 

Contrary to popular belief, being an actual victim is not a feeling, a mood, or state of mind. There's no connotation of weakness in the dictionary definition of "victim". See?:

Victim Definition: "to be hurt, damaged, or killed because of something or someone; a person who is cheated or fooled by someone else" 

"Victim" is simply a word that describes that something bad happened to us that wasn't our fault. That's all. Ie. Victim of a car crash, victim of assault, victim of natural disaster, etc. It's not who we are. When we talk about the word "victim" as if it's a negative label, feeling, mood, or state of mind, we are only fueling the belief that there is something wrong with the word "victim". Why WOULDN'T we want a word that means what happened to us wasn't our fault? That's a good thing! 

"I use the terms victim and perpetrator..they're situated actions terms, they're not identity terms..I know a lot of people prefer survivor and that's cool, but the word victim at least denotes that a crime has been committed against you. The word survivor does not. So there's something in the word victim that is important."

"The word victim contains a criminal act." - Dr Allan Wade, Centre For Response Based Practice 

But, can these phrases be used accurately in any context? Yes, these phrases are commonly and accurately used to describe a perpetrator who is pretending to be a victim of the person they victimized. For example, by definition "victim mentality" means that someone who is not a current victim is playing a victim :

Victim Mentality : "an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances." 

However, again, phrases like this should never be used on someone who is actually a victim. Only people/perpetrators who are pretending to be a victim. For anyone to tell an actual current victim that they are in "victim mode", "victim mentality", etc. is LITERALLY TELLING THEM THEY AREN'T A VICTIM AND ARE JUST ACTING LIKE IT! 

By acknowledging that I'm a victim, I'm acknowledging that I'm injured and it's not my fault. Again, this is good. But to imply I'm only "playing" a victim, it insinuates that I have fault in my injury, or am not that injured and am just being dramatic. Which is disgusting, incorrect, and wrong.

Please stop pathologizing & stigmatizing the word "victim" . It's not a dirty shameful weak word. I can be a survivor of abuse and also a victim of abuse. They don't contradict.

These articles below are amazing 🙌💗

Most Women In Porn Are Trafficked

We already know research shows that most women in prostitution are trafficked, but how many women in pornography are trafficked? Based on these statistics it looks to be roughly at least 54-68%. Hopefully these statistics can shed more light. Sadly, many women don't know they are trafficked, and some are even groomed and brainwashed into believing they chose it, so it's incredibly hard to find statistics on something you can't always directly ask the victim about. There's no way to know if every woman in porn is consenting or forced to say they consented. Even IF it were something smaller, like say 10% of the women in porn who are trafficked, since the average amount of clicks per person on just a single porn site is 11 clicks, then that would mean every person would be viewing at least 1 woman's rape. That's still way too many. But 54-68%? 😭 WATCHING FUELS THE DEMAND OF THEIR ABUSE. 

First, in order to understand how the statistics apply we must first understand the definition of trafficking and all it entails :

Is Being Pressured Into Sex Considered Rape?

What is Rape & Sexual Assault? 

Everyone PLEASE read this. You may think you know what rape and sexual assault means, but the reality is the majority of people in this world don't fully understand what it is. Sex is only supposed to be between any consenting adults who WANT to have sex, and feel SAFE enough to have sex. That's it. If either of those aren't on the table, then sex shouldn't happen. 

First let's have a refresher on what consent is in order to understand what sexual violence entails. The definition of consent often gets misunderstood because people assume that if you go along with something without a fight, or don't say the word "no", then it's consent, which isn't true. I used to think rape was a person forcing themselves on another person while they were kicking and screaming and saying no, but it's much more than that. 

Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags

I can't count the many times I've heard women say "I ignored the red flags", or "I painted the red flags green", or have heard the question "Why do abused women ignore the red flags in the beginning?". Maybe some women really do ignore red flags, I'm not implying it's not possible. But do the majority of us actually ignore red flags? Is that why a woman ended up with an abuser!?

I don't believe so, because many times there really AREN'T red flags. We may look back and think they look like red flags, but were they actual red flags at the time? Let's take a look at what it means to "ignore a red flag" :

Ignore - 

"to intentionally not listen or give attention to; refuse to take notice of or acknowledge; disregard intentionallyn; pretend not to notice someone or something; refrain from noticing or recognizing" 

Pretend - 

to claim, represent, or assert falsely; to make believe

Red Flag - 

Warning of danger; warning or indicator, suggesting that there is a potential problem or threat; something that indicates or draws attention to a problem, danger, or irregularity

Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency

 Who here wants a new name for codependency? Oh right, no one. "Prodependency" is another victim blaming term, made up by sex addiction therapist Dr. Robert Weiss. Besides all the other issues I have with Rob Weiss (like the fact he believes porn is healthy for some people and publicly locked Gail Dines and anti porn activists for being TOO anti porn🙄), the problem with Prodependency is that it's basically the same as codependency, minus a few beliefs, and then stealthily rebranded in a shiny new package. Let's break down 1 book, 8 videos, more articles and research papers than I could count, all in just one post. 

What does Rob Weiss say that prodependency IS? :

Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded

 The term "Trauma Bond" is just as victim blaming as codependency, reactive abuse, stockholm syndrome, learned helplessness, Drama Triangle, etc, and just as dangerous for abuse victims. To be clear, I'm not referring to the bond that happens between two victims sharing their trauma together, ex. bonding after natural disasters, victims in support groups, etc. That definitely happens and is a good thing. I've met the best of friends through the journey of healing trauma from abuse. 

I'm officially referring to the term "Trauma Bond" developed by Patrick Carnes (he was influenced by earlier works from Dutton & Painter, 1970 & 1981, and Bruno Bettelheim, 1940). The foundation behind the "trauma bonding" theory states that victims don't leave abusive relationships because victims are compulsively SEEKING to be abused, addicted to trauma, addicted to being abused, addicted to the abuser, acting out past childhood trauma, codependent, and in the drama triangle (Drama Triangle means someone isn't really a victim and is only pretending to be a victim), etc. Basically trauma bonding believes victims have underlying issues that "led" them to be in abusive relationships and become trauma bonded. This not only patholagizes the victim, but it also places responsibility on the victim, which is why it's victim blaming. 

Sadly the label "Trauma bond" has become extremely popular, yet most people and professionals don't understand the patriarchal/misogynistic victim blaming foundation it was created in. Even therapist Bessel Van Der Kolk helped popularize the label in his book The Body Keeps The Score. Many of the earlier theories that led up to the creation of trauma bonding were based off of the works by a man called Bruno Bettleheim. Bettleheim wrote papers in 1943 about being in nazi camps, and how nazi prisoners tried to mimic the gestapo (almost like they were addicted and wanted to be just like them), etc. He later wrote tons of psychology papers about human bonding, and (autistic) children, etc. 

Turns out Bettleheim was a big fraud and liar. Nothing he wrote about the concentration camps actually happened. He was there, yes, but what he claims happened didn't happen. They interviewed tons of other people in the same camp. Bettleheim also was never a psychologist like he claimed, he was a history major. He only took 2 psychology classes, yet lied about his credentials and treated thousands of children and experimented on them, and wrote tons of psychology papers /studies (many of which later became the inspiration of "trauma bonding"). But since Bettleheim was a fraud, so are the foundations and theories fueling "trauma bonding". (To read more about Bettelheim, go HERE) 

So why are we still using a label that's very existence was never based on facts? 

Here are a few quotes that further show why it's victim blaming :

Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"

 I'm not against everything regarding learned helplessness. Martin Seligman's study is fascinating (disgusting), though I don't feel it is entirely accurate. I'm also not against the idea of victims feeling helpless; this is a normal human emotion. I am against the term "Learned Helplessness" being applied to abused/betrayed victims. That is victim-blaming. Let me explain the history: 

Learned Helplessness is a term coined by psychologist Martin Seligman in 1967. He wanted to understand depression. In his study, he took dogs, put them in Pavlov slings, and attached electrodes to their hind legs (see pictures below). The electrodes delivered an inescapable and uncontrollable shock to half of the dogs he referred to as the "yoked group". He then took the yoked group of dogs and put them in a shuttle box with an electrified floor and a half wall in the middle and continued shocking them in hopes that the yoked group would jump over the half wall to escape, which would end the shock. Instead, 60% of the yoked dogs whimpered and yelped and eventually just laid down during the remaining 60 seconds of the shock. He concluded that the reason the yoked dogs didn't jump over the half wall to escape was because they had literally learned helplessness. (Though, Seligman did mention that at the end of a shock session, if the door to the opposite shuttle box was opened, the dog "will often come bounding across to escape from the box altogether", Seligman 1967. 

Why Seligman didn't consider that as evidence yoked dogs DO escape, I do not know. That sounds like an escape to me. 🤷

Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome

The term "Stockholm Syndrome" is ALL CRAP. Hogwash. Nonsense. Absurd. Rubbish. Malarky. Hooey. Doo doo. Lies.

Yet there are hundreds of cited research studies, articles, movies, and theories about abuse victims founded from it, and they are all based on something that isn't even real. 😲

Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)

 The Drama Triangle is another victim blaming term when applied to trauma victims. 

According to the creator, Dr. Stephen Karpman, the Drama Triangle is basically when two unhealthy people come together and take turns playing the roles of the Victim "woe is me", Persecutor "the bully", & Rescuer "Let me fix you", because they have psychological unmet needs, often developed in childhood. The Victim in this model is thought to be the start or catalyst of the Drama Triangle by seeking out a Persecutor who will keep them playing the Victim, and also a Rescuer who will "save" them. All three roles thrive off the drama and can get a sense of excitement from control and having felt they "won". 

However, involvement in a drama triangle isn't something someone is doing to you. It's something you are equally doing WITH another unhealthy person. If you are currently the victim in a abusive/betrayed relationship you cannot be in the Drama Triangle, because the "Victim" role in the Drama Triangle isn't actually a real victim, it's someone ACTING like a victim, ie "playing the victim," as Dr. Stephan Karpman stated:

Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse

"Reactive Abuse" or "Mutual Abuse" isnt a real thing. Someone always has more power and control. The reason victims do things is completely different than why perpetrators do things. By saying the victim and the perpetrator are BOTH abusers, it's not only inaccurate, it's incredibly victim blaming and not helpful for the victim OR the perpetrator. Plus, we already have a correct name for this situation, it's called self defense. Why would we ever call something abuse when it isn't abuse? 

Think of it this way, if someone broke into your house and held you down and tried to kill you with a knife, and in your terrified state you managed to break free enough to grab a bat from under your bed and hit the attacker in the head, and that blow to the head lead to the attacker dying....... would we call YOU a murderer? 

Victim Blaming Post #1 Codependency

I will be doing a series of posts about some victim blaming terms that many people may not be aware of that are harming victims of abuse, like Codependency, Prodependency, Trauma Bonded, Stockholm Syndrome, Reactive/Mutual Abuse, Drama Triangle, Learned Helplessness, etc <-- all terms made up by men and applied to women they thought were crazy, much like Hysteria (Which sadly still exists in the DSM, they just call it Histrionic now 😳). This post will be about Codependency. 

Codependency was a word made up by abusive cheating addicts from Alcoholics Anonymous, founded in 1935, and was then used by Al-Anon (Sister of AA) when it was formed in 1951. The word later became widely popular by therapists and also authors like Melody Beattie in the 1980's. Addicts basically believed their loved ones were acting just as crazy as an addict by displaying similar behaviors (what THEY considered to be neurosis, controlling, neediness, paranoia, ritualizing etc.) and so they assumed their loved ones must be "addicted" to the addict/addicts addiction, therefore needing the exact same 12 steps as the addict (same wording and everything). This is why Al-Anon and S-anon and COSA etc. were created, to help treat all the obsessed dysfunctional family members of addicts --- also so they'd no longer hinder the addicts recovery which was the main goal (Read Al-Anons "To Wives" below🙄). These 12 step manuals subtly teach family members the belief that they have just as many issues and are as diseased as the addict. 

Sadly, there's a huge movement out there where therapists and organizations (many of the top sex addiction organizations in the world) will remove the WORD "Codependency" and instead slap the word trauma over it, without ever getting rid of the codependency treatment or victim blaming content. So it's still victim blaming, except it's masked in the word "trauma", thus making it more confusing and harder to spot, and in my mind more dangerous. An example of this is how it was publicly stated by Stefanie Carnes that only 1-2% of CSATS still use the codependency model. Yet an ongoing poll showed 74% of betrayed wives experienced a CSAT covertly using the codependency model. There's a huge difference in what is SAID, and what actually happens. 

Victims deserve better than to be continually blamed. 

Prodependency Is Harmful

 "EVEN IF IT'S ALL COMPLETELY TRUE"

Anyone else sick of sex addict men coming up with labels for traumatized women? 

Let's talk "Prodependency" 😊 

Proof S-Anon Blames Trauma Victims

(Yes. Cat memes make me happy) 

S-Anon is victim blaming and codependency based, even if they don't use the word "codependency". 

12 step groups for traumatized wives can be dangerous because they were made for addicts. Trauma victims deserve better than to be blamed and treated like part of the problem. If anyone tries to tell you that Sanon is different or that it doesn't blame the victim, refer them to these screenshots directly from S-Anons website and their latest blue 12 step book (page numbers are in red).

**Added note: I'm not saying no one has ever been helped by the 12 steps. I have many Betrayed friends who's lives were saved by women in the 12 steps. 12 steps were literally all that they had back then, they didn't have better options. But now that we know better, we do better. Betrayed wives deserve the correct treatment 💗

S-anon believes you are just as sick and diseased and addicted as your sex addict abusive partner. Whenever they talk about "your illness", this is what they mean:

How To Tell If Your Therapist Is Covertly Victim Blaming

  A recent poll suggests that 93% of betrayed wives have had an experience with a therapist blaming them by using the codependency model in the last five years. Another ongoing poll indicates 74% of wives have had experiences with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) who still use victim blaming modalities like the codependency model. This is shocking because CSATs "claim" they've been trained in the trauma model and the facilitator of the CSAT training, Dr. Stephanie Carnes, has even recently stated on a podcast that only 1-2% of CSATs still use the codependency model. Why the discrepancy? 

Sadly many therapists SAY they understand trauma and use the trauma model, but will still covertly use the outdated codependency model (they just won't mention the actual word "codependency"), and other victim blaming labels like, Trauma Bonding, Stockholm Syndrome, Prodependency, Drama Triangle, Learned Helplessness, Reactive Abuse, etc. This leaves many unsuspecting traumatized wives following the codependent/victim blaming beliefs, and in danger of being re-traumatized by a well-intentioned therapist.

This doesn't automatically mean every therapist who gives out this advice is "bad," it just means they don't yet fully understand trauma and need further education so they don't continue to inadvertently harm their patients (and I mean more trauma education outside of the Carnes sphere, like maybe Response Based Practice, perhaps?😊). I’m not saying to instantly leave your therapist, I’m just saying to educate yourself on victim blaming language and ideas.

Knowing these warning signs can help protect you so you can better know when to stand up for yourself. 💗

What is the victim blaming language that you should be aware of? Here are the most commonly used phrases and ideas, followed at the end by a break down of each one :

If a therapist ever:

Codependency Harms

History of Codependency

The term codependency (or co-addict) was a word made up by a bunch of addicts from Alcoholics Anonymous, founded in 1935, and was then used by Al-Anon (Sister of AA) when it was formed in 1951. The word later became widely popular by therapists and also authors like Melody Beattie in the 1980's. Addicts basically believed their loved ones were acting just as crazy as an addict by displaying similar behaviors (what they considered to be obsession, controlling, neediness, paranoia, ritualizing etc.) and so they assumed their loved ones must be "addicted" to the addict, therefore needing the exact same 12 steps as the addict (same wording and everything). This is why Al-Anon and S-anon and COSA etc. were created, to help treat all the obsessed dysfunctional family members of addicts --- also so they'd no longer hinder the addicts recovery. These 12 step manuals subtly teach family members the belief that they have just as many issues and are as diseased as the addict 😢

However, over the years more therapists have come to realize that family members of addicts WEREN'T actually exhibiting addict or diseased behaviors, but were instead experiencing trauma/PTSD, just like a rape victim or war veteran. Family members didn't have a disease, they were simply INJURED --- the cause is external and not a direct result of one's internal issues. 

The codependency label is not only an incorrect label to automatically apply to betrayed victims of sex addict abusers, but has the possibility of being very dangerous because it places undue blame on wives for their completely natural reactions to being injured by their husband's choices. Most behaviors thought of as codependency (hypervigilance/ obsession, worrying about what a spouse thinks, lack of boundaries, being controlled by an addict, "loving" the addict more than they love you, etc.) are instead natural NORMAL symptoms of a trauma injury, much like screaming out in pain or being full of fear after being run over by a semi truck, and they are NOT because wives are doing something "wrong". We wouldn't tell someone who was just run over by a semi truck that their natural reaction to pain means there's something inherently wrong with them, would we? 💗 

Top 4 Myths of The Codependency Model 

Myth #1 Wives Allow Their Husband's To Mistreat Them (Ie. Wives are partly to blame for doing nothing to stop it)

 

My Boundaries

For those interested in what my current personal boundaries look like 💗. For How to Set Boundaries go HERE :

Boundaries are very important to me. I want to live in a peaceful loving and safe environment, and out of my love of my marriage, out of my love for my husband, out of love for myself, and out of love of my children, these are things I mentally and physically need in order to stay safe and maintain health and stability. 

Correlation Between Video Games And Sex Addiction

CORRELATION BETWEEN VIDEO GAMES AND PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION

Watch this video on the science behind pornography addiction. Video games reward the same areas of the brain. They hijack dopamine/the reward circuit. So if you are a pornography or sexual addict,  doing ANYTHING that promotes isolation along with fantasy,  while also creating novelty and rewarding the same areas of the brain as porn, is a bad bad bad combination. Whether they are getting their drug high and isolation, fantasy,  and novelty hit from porn or from video games, neither are going to be good for the addict brain.

Latter Day Saint: Judge Others

What The Church Says About Judging Others

"Thou shalt not judge" is a common accusatory (and quite shaming) misconception I hear quite often. Except we are not commanded to "not judge", and are actually commanded to judge righteously. Its sometimes hard to judge what our own safety is if we don't judge what the danger is. We must learn to judge and discern evil threats. The scriptures and the church can help us navigate this 👍

How to Do Self EMDR

 

Self EMDR

Here's how to do POSITIVE self EMDR to help with trauma and help you love yourself. No therapist is needed because there's no digging into scary trauma, its just about getting the EMDR to open up your brain and better receive the affirmation **WARNING: Do not do this with traumatic memories without a therapist. I am not liable for anything that happens **

Your Brain on Caffeine

Your Brain on Caffeine

Im going to write about something that may be upsetting to some people.

I'm going to talk about the dangers of caffeine.

So, if caffeine and you are best friends and it's something you aren't ready to hear yet, I suggest walking away now because my husband quit cold turkey the day he learned all this 😁


Let me ask you something.....Why do you think caffeine is added into soda and other beverages in the first place?

Wearing Lingerie

I know this can be a touchy subject so as an addict, and my husband also being an addict, I'm going to explain the reasons why I personally don't wear lingerie anymore.

Should My Husband Take A Polygraph?

Should Sex Addict Abusers Take Polygraphs?

I love polygraphs.

I believe all sex addicts should take an annual polygraph.

Questions To Ask Your Husband

If you just found out about your husbands addiction and are going through the full disclosure, these questions may be helpful to ask.

Do You Attract Abusers?

Is There Something Wrong With You That Attracts Abusers? 

No, you aren't an abuser magnet. There's nothing inherently wrong with you that makes men abuse you. 

If statistics show that 90-99% of men regularly look at pornography (and those are only the ones who admit it), and it's impossible to be a good man while choosing to sexualize, objectify, and dehumanize women, and fuel the demand of trafficking every time he watches women be raped in pornography (since most women in porn are trafficked), then you could be the healthiest person in the world and guess what? The odds of finding a good man are still against you. 

Latter Day Saint: Commanded To Forgive

 Must We Forgive Those Who Harm Us And Is Forgiveness The Same As Trust?

LDS.org Quotes

The quotes below have brought me comfort. At first, I honestly didn't even know what the word "forgive" really meant, despite hearing the word so often growing up.  I think it's important to remember that forgiveness doesn't have a timetable. There's no allotted time ---- "Oh, your husband cheated on you? You have 6 months to forgive"---- ha. No no it doesn't work like that.

70% of Men Look At Pornography (OLD)

Pornography Statistics

*Edit : These are old statistics. To see the newer statistics that shows 90-99% of men, go to my newer post by clicking HERE *

These are some more recent statistics from all around the world (and some old stats taken before smart phones) that show a general pretty consistent 70-80%-ish range of men look at porn at the very LEAST once a month. Addicts are notorious for lying about the frequency of porn use, kinda makes you wonder what the REAL percentage is.

Gaslighting is Abuse.

What is Gaslighting?

 Quotes & Resources

1.
Oxford Dictionary states:

"Gaslight - Manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity"

Latter Day Saint: Is Sex a Responsibility?

  Is it Your Responsibility to Have Sex With Your Husband? 

Quotes From LDS Mormon Church Leaders

Many wives struggle with feeling like it is their responsibility to have sex with their husbands. Thankfully, I believe the LDS Church is very clear on this subject.

If anyone ever tries to convince you that your husband needs sex and that it is your duty as a wife to be "available" for him, please refer them to these lds. org quotes.

Is the Addiction Label Helpful or Hurtful?

 

Many people believe that using the term "sex addict" is detrimental, and should no longer be used when treating sex addicts because it causes them to feel too much shame.

I can definitely see how someone could feel shame by calling themselves a sex addict. I can also see how someone could feel shame by saying "I look at pornography all the time and refuse to stop".

Latter Day Saint: Anger Can Be Healthy For Betrayed Wives

To the innocent wives suffering Betrayal Trauma ❤

Is ALL anger bad? Should we always avoid anger at all costs? Why would Christ show anger with the money changers if it's so wrong?

Lds. org states:
"Anger is an emotion everyone experiences. Dealing with it in healthy ways is an essential life skill to learn." - New Era

&

An lds. org article about living with an alcoholic parent states:
(To the friend of the abused)
  "Drunk people do disgusting things. They may even abuse their children.
   Your friend will be both shamed and angered by these actions. And she may feel guilty about her anger. Let her know that she has a right to be angry.
   Just help her direct and control that anger so it doesn’t cause her serious trouble."
(To the abused)
 "..Don’t feel guilty about it. It’s okay to feel angry. Anyone in your circumstances would feel that way.
   And if you haven’t been able to forgive him, keep trying, but don’t feel guilty about that either.
   Forgiving is not an easy virtue to master, and nobody’s timing you." - Living with an alcoholic parent by Anne Lawrence https://www.lds.org/liahona/1989/08/drunk-again-living-with-an-alcoholic-parent?lang=eng

Great Movie & Book Review Sites For Parents

Movie Content Reviews
 
Movie/ TV
Imdb.com


Movie
http://www.kids-in-mind.com
 

Movie/ TV/ Books/ Games/ Music
http://www.pluggedin.com

STOP Those Annoying Advertisments & Friend Suggestions

 Make Your Computer Safer!

Here is a list of ways to Opt-Out of many different types of "Interest Based Ads". I suggest opting out of all of them for every browser (chrome, Firefox, etc), and on every computer and/or iOS/Android device.

Ever go shopping online for something, for example let's say "shoes", only to then see ads for shoes pop up everywhere online afterward?

Yep. Those are called Interest Based Ads. Companies track your data (age, location, online history, your online likes and interests etc etc) and they use this data to send you advertisements customized to YOU and your computer's Advertising ID/IP address

Lame, right?

While this feature may seem harmless to someone who doesn't care to see innocent shoe ads, sadly this feature can be very dangerous to unsuspecting victims when there is someone viewing pornography in the home. No one wants their kids to get online and see those dang inappropriate sex/dating ads all because a family member was surfing porn an hour earlier ha, ok? No bueno :)

While using these steps to protect your computer won't completely remove the threat of unwanted exposure (Don't get me started the havoc pornography viewing has on the nasty spam emails that can get sent to everyone who uses the computer and the computer viruses pornography causes), these will definitely help reduce accidental exposure.

Addiction Dictionary : Definitions of Common Addiction Terms

ADDICTION - "Addiction is the continued repetition of a behavior/rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences."

(Note: *** Lack of fequency is not always an indicator of addiction. Acting out can be once a day, once a week, once a month, or even once a year etc. and still be an addiction)

(For those who are LDS, here's LDSmag.com Addiction Definition:
Addiction exists when the repeated use of a mood altering substance or behavior (of any kind) has created a dependency on itself so intense that the person doing the behavior cannot find the will-power to quit, even when the behavior is causing serious damage to one’s relationships, health, employment, and personal sense of serenity and spirituality.

LDS. org Church Guide Definition:
Addiction is a persistent dependence on a harmful behavior or substance. It can disrupt the ability to listen to the Spirit and limit agency. Many who struggle with an addiction suffer from shame or a sense that they are unlovable. They may feel discouragement and despair that recovery is not possible. Yet with God, nothing is impossible")

PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION -  1. Pornography addiction is a behavioral addiction characterized by compulsive, repeated use of pornographic material until it causes serious negative consequences to one's physical, mental, social, and/or financial well-being.         

  2. Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts

  3. A condition that has been defined as a psychological addiction to, or dependence upon, pornography, characterized by obsessive viewing, reading, and thinking about pornography and sexual themes to the detriment of other areas of the viewer’s life

  4. Prolonged viewing or pornography - books, magazines, movies, or Internet pornography - that has destructive effects on the life of a person"

SEX ADDICTION - Sex addiction is the umbrella term for all addictions that are sexual in nature (porn, Masturbation, in person affairs, etc). Just like drug addiction is the umbrella term for all kinds of drug addictions (cocaine, heroin, etc) c

ACTING OUT - Intentionally seeking out any erotic and sexual stimulus, even if "accidental" at first. Ex. If you accidently come across sexual stimulus, but you choose to keep looking, that's still acting out. DEFINITE lines of acting out: pornography, masturbation, infidelity, emotional infidelity, inappropriate relationships with opposite sex, chatting, flirting, sex ad browsing, voyeurism, forcing/coercing anyone to have sex (yes, even if it’s your own spouse), & massage brothels.

PORNOGRAPHY - ANY sexual stimulus outside of an intimate relationship that a sex addict uses to get lust hits from. This could be hard core pornography, or soft core pornography like bikinis, women in workout videos, intentionally checking out women in public, looking up pictures of feet if the sex addict is into feet, or sexual content in books, comics, movies, TV, cartoons, phone apps, etc. Basically, if an addict is intentionally using the stimulus to get lust hits from, then they are turning things into their porn. This doesn't mean the woman in the bikini or a woman in sandals is literal porn, this means the addict is objectifying her and turning her into porn for himself. In the end, whether it was a woman naked or a woman clothed, if an addict is intentionally seeking it out then it does all the same thing to the brain by keeping the addiction neural pathways alive. The point of healing is for those neural pathways to go dormant, which can't be done if it's still being activated with sexual stimulus outside of an intimate relationship. 

(***LDS .org Church Definition of Pornography -
  "Pornography is any visual or written medium created with the intent to sexually stimulate. If the work was not intended to stimulate but nevertheless causes sexual arousal in an individual, it constitutes pornography for that person."

&

  "Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."
&
"Pornography by definition is the display of that which is obscene and licentious."
Elder C. Gary Bennett
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/06/i-have-a-question?lang=eng   )

MASTURBATION - 1. "To stimulate yourself sexually. In other words, to have sex by yourself, with yourself."

2. "Get sexual gratification through self-stimulation"

3. "Erotic stimulation especially of one's own genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies."

*** Note they use the word "usually" and not "always". Sexually stimulating oneself with, or without orgasm, is still masturbation.

(***LDS author Andrew Pippanne/Rowboat&Marbles Masturbation Definition:

"Masturbation is sex with self.Sex with self is sex with someone other than your husband or wife to whom you are legally and lawfully married.Therefore, masturbation is a violation of temple covenants."

Spencer W Kimball said on lds.org :

" Masturbation is not physically necessary. There is already a way by which the male system relieves excessive spermatic fluid quite regularly through the nocturnal emission or wet dream. " ) 

S.L.I.P -- "Sexual Sobriety Lost its Priority" - A slip is a one-time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence. Slips are significant events that call for immediate attention because they can easily lead to relapses. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

RELAPSE - A relapse is the recurrence of symptoms of a disease or to resume acting out after a period of abstinence. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

Latter Day Saint: Unconditional Love and Boundaries

Unconditional Love Requires Boundaries

Enabling is NOT Unconditional Love

 

"And know ye that ye shall be judges of this people, according to the judgment which I shall give unto you, which shall be just. Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am." 3 Ne. 27:27

un·con·di·tion·al:
        1. without condition or limitation; absolute.

Recovery: What It Is and What It Isn't

What Is Recovery?

Wanna know what the grande ol' mystery to Recovery is? The answer we all search for when figuring out if our partners are in Recovery? 

This may be hard for some to accept. You ready?

Does Your Loved One Have These ADHD Symptoms?

Does your sexually addicted loved one have any of these ADHD symptoms?:

Lots of anxiety

Racing thoughts (mind won't shut off)

Mind goes so fast it becomes flooded and too overwhelmed, which often leaves one feeling tired and sluggish (aka. Feeling of running in water)

Poor reality testing skills, and avoids reason or logic.

Feels depressed and hopeless from feeling overwhelmed.

Simple tasks bring lots of anxiety (groceries, walking dog, paying bills, social activities, talking about feelings, yard work, dealing with kids etc)

Often gets "glazed over" look when being spoken directly to.

"Lazy"

Impulsive

Forgetful

Loses things easily

Constantly late

Disorganized

OVER-organized

Overwhelmed by responsibilities

Always moving and restless (tapping toes, nail biting, tidying up, bouncing leg while sitting, cleaning, fidgety etc.)

Tendency to become absorbed in tasks that are stimulating and rewarding. aka "hyper focused".

Underestimating the time takes to complete tasks

Interrupts or intrudes on others.

May have zero concept of boundaries and other's personal space.

Sense of underachievement

Doesn’t deal well with frustration

Easily flustered and stressed out

Irritability/Defensiveness

Emotional Dysregulation/ Mood swings (which can sometimes mimic bi polar)

Trouble staying motivated

Poor planning abilities, unable to follow through consistently or complete tasks. Ie. Making plans one day, and then completely changing their mind the next, therefore things only getting done depending on mood.

Hypersensitivity to criticism

Short, often explosive, temper

Low self-esteem and sense of insecurity

Bored easily

Doing a million things at once

Poor sleep patterns, often not rested.

Difficulty in making up their mind, or making choices without undue anxiety.

Impatient, continuing difficulties in delaying gratification.

Overly demanding may become self-destructive and aggressive.

Unable to follow simple tasks and directions if the task does not hold an interest.

Gives up easily on tasks, assignments.

Can't keep a job

OR

Overworks and uses working as an escape/ At the end of the day they can't leave "work" AT work.

I-Statements

 How To Communicate

"We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we move from the passive voice to the active voice — that is, until we have stopped saying 'It got lost', and say, 'I lost it.' ” - Sydney J. Harris

Let's face the facts. Communicating is FREAKING hard. It can leave us feeling exposed, and being vulnerable is terrifying and uncomfortable.

Frankly, most of us were never taught how to communicate properly are often using the skills we learned as children from our parents...... who also didn't know how to communicate properly. :)

I-statement's are a helpful communication tool wrapped in pure golden magical goodness. They are statements or responses that refrain from saying "you" or "your" as much as possible. They force us to think about how we are really feeling.

I-Statements -

Dispute resolution conversation openers that can be used to communicate clearly and boldly about how we feel and how we want something to be, without putting the other person on the defensive. They are also used to acknowledge and take ownership of our own feelings.

Latter Day Saint: 90 Day Program Craziness

Don't hate me. 

I'm gonna say it...

I cant stand the 90 day program. 

Choosing a Therapist

"Do I need a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist?"

I don't (don't hate me) believe a CSAT is necessary. Actually, in most cases a CSAT is more harmful, due to the CSAT certification teaching victim blaming and addict coddling. I think the trick to finding a great therapist is by researching and asking the therapist lots of questions about what they believe, NOT by solely going off of a CSAT certification training that some sexist guy made up. I mean, this is the came guy (Patrick Carnes) who believes parents are sexually attracted to their children, and that wives are just as addicted, diseased, and messed up as the addict abuser. Should we really trust anything he says or created? 😳


For a therapist, I would choose a Psychologist who is certified in EMDR and specializes in abuse, trauma, violence against women, sexism, etc., over a counselor (especially a CSAT) ANY day. I mean, there ARE many many great counselors who know a TON about abuse and trauma from their own life experiences and who intuitively "get it", but they are harder to find. No matter what, it's good to be aware that great therapists are rare, they are not the norm. 

LDS Church's View On Emotional, Sexual & Physical Abuse: Quotes & Definitions

What Is Abuse

I think many of us hear abuse and we instantly think it only means being physically beaten and that unless we are being physically hit then it's not as serious. Sadly this is not so, Emotional Abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse (Learn more about emotional abuse HERE). MANY of us aren't aware of the LDS church's stance and definition of abuse, even some of our own bishops and ward leaders.

Ive compiled a list of quotes from lds.org regarding ALL types of abuse straight from handbooks, manuals, conferences, apostles, & prophets. The Church takes this matter very seriously. Please pass this info along, even quote them to your ward leaders if needed.

Knowledge is truth and light!

LDSChurch's view on Emotional, Physical, & Sexual Abuse :

* Abuse and Cruelty -

"The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man. All members, especially parents and leaders, are encouraged to be alert and diligent and do all they can to protect children and others against abuse and neglect. Members who have abused others are subject to Church discipline.

If leaders or teachers become aware of instances of abuse, they should counsel with the bishop. Instructions for the bishop are provided in Handbook 1.

Abuse Definition

Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes injury or offense. It harms the mind and the spirit and often injures the body as well. It can cause confusion, doubt, mistrust, and fear. It is a violation of the laws of society and is in total opposition to the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abusive behavior may lead to Church discipline.

Affirmations Heal

What are affirmations?

I'll explain in a way that helped me understand them (I used to think they were hippy BS haha).

We all have learned some incorrect beliefs about ourselves in our lives somewhere along the way, whether in childhood, as teens, or as adults etc. I call these Debilitating Negative Core Beliefs ---- "I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, I'm not important, I don't deserve good things, I'm unlovable, I'm unsafe because I don't deserve to be safe. I can't do anything right" etc etc etc.

We ALL have them in varying degrees one way or another.

Now, how would it make you feel if a loved one called you names like stupid, worthless, ugly, fat, unlovable etc?

It would hurt your feelings right? 

I believe when we put ourselves down we are doing the same thing to ourselves. It hurts us. Except we've done it for so long we've become desensitized to it so we don't realize how much it's actually harming ourselves. This in turn becomes MORE damaging because it is often done on a subconscious level, and VERY VERY frequently and habitually. Just because we can't consciously feel it, doesn't mean it's not doing the same amount of damage and is not hurting us.

So how do we counteract these negative beliefs? If putting ourselves down by subconscious thoughts and phrases can tear us down and hurt our body, mind, & spirit........then couldn't we also correct those negative beliefs by counteracting them with positive phrases?

I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF. I AM SAFE.

Luckily you don't have to believe affirmations for them to work at first.

When I started saying affirmations I definitely didn't love myself. I didn't feel safe. It felt like my insides were screaming "NOOOO YOUR LYING!!!!!! How dare you say it is safe!!!!!! LIAR!!!!" , and the more I said affirmations, the more those screams became like the wizard of oz witch haha "NOOOOO I'm melting I'm melting".

My affirmations were literally a direct "attack" against my negative beliefs. My negative beliefs saw the affirmations as a huge threat. So I had to say the affirmations a lot for the idea to slowly sink in enough for me to even CONSIDER believing them.

Affirmations also sound too simple to be effective. When someone first told me about them I thought they were a big load of bull, "Ha ya right, like saying I love myself is gonna help me feel better or help my body to feel better. That's stupid"...(as I muttered in my head " Ya freaking looney psycho tree hugger..." 😜).

IT IS SAFE TO FEEL.

As you start saying affirmations, don't be surprised if you feel alll sorts of whacky diverse emotions like embarrassment, stupidity, shame, guilt, depression, apathy, rage, or the urge to cry or even to laugh! THIS IS A GOOD SIGN!!!!!!!

These emotions are PROOF that the affirmations are working and doing good because the positive words triggered the negative belief into "defense" mode. If the affirmation was no threat to the negative belief, it'd have no reason to defend itself. So keep saying them, stay strong!

Also when using affirmations, try to use all positive words. Our subconscious minds don't always differentiate between what context a negative word is used in. Example: "I am not mad at myself".....some part of our body will still hear "mad at myself" and "I am not".  

If you're religious you can start the first one off saying God/Heavenly Father "______" and then say the affirmation so its like your confirming it before God, thus making it more real. Then alternate between saying them over and over outloud (in the mirror if your feeling brave) or fill up an entire page writing them down over and over. THE MORE YOU DO THEM THE BETTER ITLL WORK  This is what helps me make the affirmations work better : How To Do Positive Self EMDR

Another great tip if affirmations seem too hard is to say "I want" before your affirmation. That way it won't make you feel like you're lying to yourself, and It will still be just as effective. Ex. "I want to take care of my body". 

Affirmations are also GREAT to do in front of your kids so they can learn by example!

   I WANT TO LOVE EVERY PART OF MY BODY. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AS BEAUTIFUL.

Affirmations have changed my life in more ways than I can describe. Something so simple as saying WORDS has changed my life and has healed so many wounds that I thought were impossible to heal. 

What I love most about affirmations is that they are also a form of loving and honoring God since HE created us. He commanded us to love.....But that also applies to ourselves right? We aren't exempt from this commandment. We are a literal part of God. Our spirits know this. Our spirits know our importance and self worth, and our Negative Core Beliefs are a direct opposition to God and WHO WE ARE as children of God. Instead, what better way to honor Him than to honor His creation!

I sincerely hope affirmations help you. YOU are important. YOU deserve good things 💗

Plus, you got nothing to lose by trying, right? 😗🙋‍♀️

Example Affirmations: 

I love you _____ (say your name.  YES it feels silly,  but for some reason it works really well when speaking to your child self)

I love and approve of myself
It is safe for every part of my body to relax and feel peace.

I am safe.

All is well.

It is safe for me to care for myself

I digest with ease

I want to release my weight

I want to take care of my body

I want to love taking care of my kids

I want to love taking care of my house

I want to feel safe

I want to see my body as beautiful

My mind is full of love, peace, and clarity

Life will always provide for me

It is safe for me to feel

I relax into the flow of life and let life provide all that I need easily and comfortably

I willingly release with joy

I see myself and what I do with eyes of love

I boldly speak how I feel with ease

It is safe to be me

I relax and recognize my self worth

Harmony and peace, love and joy surround me and indwell me. I am safe and secure.

I am safe in the here and now

It is my birthright to live fully and freely.

I lovingly balance my mind and my body. I now choose thoughts that make me feel good.

The movies of my mind are beautiful because I choose to make then so. I love me.

I am safe and secure at all times. Love surrounds me and protects me. All is well.

I am Divinely protected and surrounded by love. I now create a safe new future.

I give myself permission to be all that I can be and I deserve the very best in life. I love and appreciate myself and my children.

It is safe for me to be alive

***** I am important. I count. I now care for and nourish myself with love and with joy. I allow others the freedom to be who they are. We are all safe and free.

I freely and easily release the old and joyously welcome the new.

I am totally adequate at all times

It is easy for me to reprogram the computer of my mind. All of life is change and my mind is ever new

I trust my Heavenly Father. All I need is always taken care of.

I know I am worthwhile. It is safe for me to succeed.

It is with love that I totally release the past. I am free. I am love.

I am safe. I am at peace with life.

I am loving and lovable.

I release the pattern in me that created this. I am worthwhile. I DESERVE good.