Why The Carnes/CSAT Empire Is Victim Blaming

 (**Read UPDATE at the bottom) 

FYI: The CSAT training is FULL OF CODEPENDENCY/victim blaming. Stephanie Carnes runs the CSAT trainings (her father Patrick Carnes made up the CSAT label and lets her run it. The same Patrick Carnes that also said parents are sexually attracted to their children 🤮) and she teaches therapists information about betrayal trauma out of her "Facing Heartbreak" workbook. This means that therapists are being told they are learning betrayal trauma, when in fact they are learning a hybrid of victim blaming models and betrayal trauma, and possibly don't even know it.... after all, the Carnes are the "experts" in the sex addiction industry. (Examples of victim blaming models : Codependency, Trauma Bonding, Stockholm Syndrome, Reactive Abuse, Learned Helplessness, Prodependency, telling victims they are acting like a victim, in victim mode, or in victim mentality, etc).

Stephanie Carnes and the CSAT community still have alot to learn about trauma & abuse. No good therapist would ever say such horrible blaming things below to a woman who has been raped, so why would they say them to a betrayed wife who's being abused? The CSAT label doesn't automatically mean a therapist is good. If someone found a good CSAT therapist then I promise it had nothing to do with their weekend CSAT training 💗

Here's some info about Stephanie Carnes & Facing Heartbreak, and things Patrick Carnes has said :

1. Stephanie Carnes said in a Helping Couples Heal podcast that only 1-2% of CSATS are using the victim blaming codependency model. But according to polls in multiple betrayal groups, MOST CSATS are STILL using victim blaming codependency models. Just because the Carnes empire tried to stop saying the word codependency AS often (they didn't completely stop using it), doesn't mean they stopped using the same treatment for codependency. 

Stephanie Carnes SAYS she's pro trauma model now, but she's clearly still heavily using the victim blaming models. 

2. In the workbook Facing Heartbreak (even the newly revised version, why didn't she take this crap out then?), Stephanie has a list of "Secret cloak like behaviors" that wives do that are "crazy making reactive choices" which are part of the "toxic dance". Some of those behaviors are things like :

"Snooping

Searching files

Canceling magazine subscriptions

Searching the home

Searching his phone

Installing computer Spyware (fyi, this is also called Monitoring software. They are the same thing) 

Hiring a private detective

Throwing away porn stashes

Adopting a victim stance " - - (whaaaat? Victims of abuse ARE victims, wth? That's messed up)

Etc... The list goes on and on 

Heaven forbid us women ever try to find the truth for ourselves in order to keep our lives and homes SAFE. I guess shame on us for choosing to engage in such "toxic crazy making reactions". 🤦‍♀️

On the next page in Facing Heartbreak, it lists "Dagger like behaviors". Stephanie says "A dagger brings to mind the potential for pain and damage.... emotions that are not expressed appropriately in the relatinship can 'cut' the addict....Circle all the destructive dagger-like behaviors you have used when reacting to your partners sex addiction. "

Here's a few from this list:

"Yelling

Silence

Blaming

Gaining Weight (... 😯😯) 

Profanity 

Telling children of partners addictions

Calling addict names 

Threats of telling church leaders 

Monitoring progress with anger

Interrogating 

Demands for attention "

🙄

So wives, don't you dare gain weight while in trauma, that would be a "dagger like behavior" and would cut the poor addict abuser and hurt both of you. Also, don't blame him for something he really did do, that's bad. AND even though you're in such horrible pain and trauma and are so confused and gaslit you don't know up from down, DON'T EVEN THINK about having any negative emotions that could lead to yelling, profanity, or even telling your children, church leaders, or basically ANYONE, because that would be viewed as a threat by your addict husbands 😳😳😢

Again, you can always tell when advice/treatment is from the codependency or a victim blaming model by asking yourself this question: "Would they say the same thing if instead I was brutally raped by a stranger?". 💗

3. Patrick and Stefanie Carnes believe masturbation can be healthy for some sex addicts. How's that for healthy? It's like saying an alcoholic can have a few healthy glasses of wine with dinner. Here's a Google doc with screenshots: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WUtLnsfmtJtV2F-prT4_YOKSfO_dRaejlVJ0HudDpM0/edit?usp=drivesdk

4. Someone informed me recently that IITAPs pastoral PSAP course (it's like the CSAT course, but pastoral) was full of victim blaming. The CSAT therapist Marnie Ferree who was running the betrayal trauma portion of the PSAP course (which was only 1.5 hours out of a 64 hour course 🙄 Betrayal Trauma experts in only 1.5 hours 👍🙌🤣) even told everyone in the class that the codependency/co-addict model is correct, but that the "trauma /abuse people" took over and changed the codependency /co-addict meaning (no they didn't 🙄), and thats why Stefanie Carnes changed some of the wording in her books but kept the treatment of codependency/co-addiction. She also stated that people like Dr Omar Minwalla went "too far" 🙄

This completely validated what I've been saying for years: The people in the Carnes empire are NOT trauma or abuse/violence informed, and are NOT truly teaching about betrayal trauma . They are only saying they are, in order to not be blacklisted by the growing number of women & therapists who are anti-victim blaming. Stefanie Carnes whole coming out video in 2013 where she basically said "I no longer believe in codependency, I never felt it fit. It's trauma, not codependency" (paraphrasing) was total crap, because she was only talking about the WORD, not the belief behind codependency, and it's TREATMENT. And even then, she still chose to use the word codependency in her books🤦, my guess is so she didn't piss off the outdated pro codependency crowd. I believe her "trauma awakening" was all a stunt so the Carnes empire didn't lose business and credibility. She's still actively using the victim blaming codependency model.

Feels like widespread gaslighting, eh? 

What's also sad is even therapists taking their courses are convinced it's trauma informed because again, that's what they're told. You then try to convince the therapists that the information they learned about "betrayal trauma" at the CSAT certification is misinformed, and of course most of them don't listen to you since "they are the trained professionals after all, and learned from the best experts in the industry". 

It's a giant mess.

** FYI, when I say Carnes empire, I mean everything that Patrick & Stefanie Carnes built. Here's a few :

 - IITAP - The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals

- SASH - Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health

- CSAT - Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (and ASAT, Associate)

- CMAT - Certified Multiple Addiction Therapist

- CPTT - Certified Partner and Trauma Therapist (and APTT, Associate) 

- PSAP - Pastoral Sex Addiction Professiona (like CSAT but pastoral) 

- AFAR - American Foundation for Addiction Research 

- GentlePath (intensive, books, publishing company, etc) 

- PineGrove Gratitude program

- The Meadows addiction treatment

5. Here's alot more messed up things the Carnes have said about abuse victims, like they are "addicted to trauma", wtf?. It's nauseating....

Trauma Bonding: https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1

More of a deep history of how "trauma bonding" was created. It was largely based on someone who turned out to be a fraud and a liar: https://www.facebook.com/1115055381/posts/10226934807292243/?app=fbl

Carnes saying parents are sexually attracted to children: https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02T9ZPtHDJCui472dFmw7RdSbx25JvB93ricxY8dLUNexH7NAshrEEdu7pduqZvQmZl&id=1115055381

90-99% of Men Regularly View Pornography

Pornography Statistics:

"94.2 % [men] had viewed pornography in the last six months. 

Additionally, 82.4% indicated that they currently were regular users of pornography, or had been at some point. Median response for frequency of use over the last six months was 3–4 times per week. Median response for average session length was 15–30 minutes."

*** "religious participants did not report using pornography any more or less frequently than their non-religious counterparts." 

PR

https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Self-Perceived-Effects-of-Pornography-Consumption-Miller-Hald/2d18935d550c560c0962b7c58cd9c1a688866cdc

"Consumption rates of men were generally consistent (91–99%) across time frames" 

&

"91.5% of men and 60.2% of women herein reported having consumed pornography in the past month."

Note* Pornography definition included written, pictures & video. 

Ingrid Solano et al. J Sex Res. 2020 Jan.

PR

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30358432/

(^^^ this is also the study that is cited in Fight the New Drugs article that said 90-99% 

https://fightthenewdrug.org/porn-consumption-rates-among-young-adults-underreported/ ) 

98.1% of men have viewed pornography in the past 6 months. 80.3% of those men view pornography at least once a week. 

PR

Note : Sample from adults in relationships

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29281588/

92% men watched pornography in last 6 months. 82.5% in the last month.  63.4% in the last week. 

PR

https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Pornography-consumption-in_tbl2_6756843

A study with 434 adult men found that 99% of study participants looked at porn at least occasionally.

PR

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563215302612?via%3Dihub

86-96% consumption rates among men 

PR

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3396722/#!po=5.73770

College students from 6 different universities: "9 out of 10 (87%) young men and nearly one third (31%) of young women reported using pornography [at LEAST once a month]" 

PR

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/247721479_Generation_XXXPornography_Acceptance_and_Use_Among_Emerging_Adults

*** “43 percent of men and 9 percent of women report watching pornography in the past week" — The Relationship in America data. 

 * Note - The question the study asked was  “When did you last intentionally look at pornography?“. 

&

The Relationship in America data also shows more than 50% of men ages 25-40 viewed pornography in the last WEEK, and that pornography use on a weekly basis is sometimes higher or lower depending on the religion.  

NPR

https://relationshipsinamerica.com/pdf/Relationships%20in%20America%202014.pdf

90% of men and 60% of women reported viewing pornography in the past month &

" 46% of men and 16% of women between the ages of 18 and 39 intentionally viewed pornography in a given week" .  (study with 5165 adults) - Regnerus, Gordon, & Price, 2016

PR

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2015.1096886

(this study was also cited by M Seehuus et al 2021)

Here's an older list that I gathered years ago that shows 70-80% of men regularly view porn across the world -https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2016/04/pornography-addiction-statistics-70.html?m=1

A few statistics from the article :

* 8 out of 10 (79%) men between the ages of 18 and 30 view pornography at least monthly

* 2 out of 3 (67%) men between the ages of 31 and 49 view pornography at least monthly

* 1 in 2 (49%) men between the ages of 50 and 68

2014 Stats by Self identified Christian men:

* The number of Christian men viewing pornography virtually mirrors the national average

* 77% of those ages 18-30 view porn at least monthly. 36% daily.

* 64% men view porn at least once a month (54% for born-again Christian men, 14% admit daily)

* Approximately two-thirds of Christian men (65%) admit to viewing pornography at least one time while at work in the past 3 months. The numbers are lower for born-again Christian, with 44% viewing porn at work in the past 3 months. Christian men between 31-49 years old have the highest rates, with 77% admitting to viewing porn at work in the past 3 months. 

- Proven Men did a nationwide survey of Christian men using a cross section of the population based upon gender, age, race, geography and other demographics. 

"The Barna Group established that the sampling error for the entire survey is ±3.1 percentage points at the 95% confidence level." 

NPR

https://www.provenmen.org/pornography-survey-statistics-2014

*** * In 2007 70% of Christians admitted to struggling with porn in their daily lives 

* 90% of Christian men admitted that they were feeling disconnected from God because lust, porn, or fantasy had gained a foothold in their lives. 

* 87% of university students are having sex over webcams, instant messenger or the telephone

* The average teenager spends three to four hours per day watching television and 83% of the programming most frequently watched by adolescents contains some sexual content

NPR

http://www.grabstats.com/statmain.aspx?StatID=657

*** 64% of Christian church LEADERS struggle with sexual addiction 

NPR

http://freedomeveryday.org/beta/sexual-addiction-articles/viewArticle.php?articleID=94

*** 68% of Christian men and 50% of pastors confessed to viewing porn WEEKLY in a recent survey.

NPR

Christian News Wire, June 11, 2014

http://www.roadtograce.net/current-porn-statistics/

***  = Religious Study

NPR = Not peer reviewed 

PR = Peer Reviewed 

"Victim" Is Not A Weak Shameful Word

"Victim mode", "Victim Mentality", "Stop playing a Victim", "It's tempting to be the victim"(Yes, I'm staring at you Leslie Vernick😊), "Be a survivor, not a victim", "You're a victim, but you don't have to live there. You have a choice", etc

Can you imagine someone saying these things to a victim who just lost their entire home to a natural distaster? : "Stop playing the victim, get out of your victimhood"?? That would be insensitive and mean. 

Being an actual victim isn't a feeling, a mood, or state of mind. There's no connotation of weakness in the definition of victim. See? :

Victim Definition: "to be hurt, damaged, or killed because of something or someone; a person who is cheated or fooled by someone else" 

It's simply a word that describes that something bad happened to us that wasn't our fault. That's all. Ie. Victim of a car crash, victim of assault, victim of natural distaster, etc. It's not who we are. When we talk about the word victim as if it's a label, feeling, mood, or state of mind, we are only fueling the belief that there is something wrong with the word victim. Why WOULDN'T we want a word that means what happened to us wasn't our fault? That's a GOOD thing! 

Whereas the phrase "victim mentality" by definition means that someone who is not a current victim is just playing a victim :

Victim Mentality : "an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances." 

So for anyone to tell an actual current victim that they are in victim mode, victim mentality, etc. is LITERALLY TELLING THEM THEY AREN'T A VICTIM AND ARE JUST ACTING LIKE IT! By acknowledging that I'm a victim, I'm acknowledging that I'm injured and it's not my fault. Again, this is good. But to imply I'm only "playing" a victim, it insinuates that I have fault in my injury, or am not that injured and am just being dramatic. Either one is disgusting and messed up.

Please stop pathologizing & stigmatizing the word victim. It's not a dirty shameful weak word. I can be a survivor of abuse and also a victim of abuse. They don't contradict.

These articles below are amazing 🙌💗

Most Women In Porn Are Trafficked

We already know research shows that most women in prostitution are trafficked, but how many women in pornography are trafficked? Based on these statistics it looks to be roughly at least 54-68%. Hopefully these statistics can shed more light. Sadly, many women don't know they are trafficked, and some are even groomed and brainwashed into believing they chose it, so it's incredibly hard to find statistics on something you can't always directly ask the victim about. There's no way to know if every woman in porn is consenting or forced to say they consented. Even IF it were something smaller, like say 10% of the women in porn who are trafficked, since the average amount of clicks per person on just a single porn site is 11 clicks, then that would mean every person would be viewing at least 1 woman's rape. That's still way too many. But 54-68%? 😭 WATCHING FUELS THE DEMAND OF THEIR ABUSE. 

First, in order to understand how the statistics apply we must first understand the definition of trafficking and all it entails :

RAPE: Is It Wrong For My Husband To Pressure Me For Sex?

What is Rape & Sexual Assault? 

Everyone PLEASE read this. You may think you know what rape and sexual assault means, but the reality is the majority of people in this world don't fully understand what it is. Sex is only supposed to be between any consenting adults who WANT to have sex, and feel SAFE enough to have sex. That's it. If either of those aren't on the table, then sex shouldn't happen. 

First let's have a refresher on what consent is in order to understand what sexual violence entails. The definition of consent often gets misunderstood because people assume that if you go along with something without a fight, or don't say the word "no", then it's consent, which isn't true. I used to think rape was a person forcing themselves on another person while they were kicking and screaming and saying no, but it's much more than that. 

Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags

I can't count the many times I've heard women say "I ignored the red flags", or "I painted the red flags green", or have heard the question "Why do abused women ignore the red flags in the beginning?". Maybe some women really do ignore red flags, I'm not implying it's not possible. But do the majority of us actually ignore red flags? Is that why a woman ended up with an abuser!?

I don't believe so, because many times there really AREN'T red flags. We may look back and think they look like red flags, but were they actual red flags at the time? Let's take a look at what it means to "ignore a red flag" :

Ignore - 

"to intentionally not listen or give attention to; refuse to take notice of or acknowledge; disregard intentionallyn; pretend not to notice someone or something; refrain from noticing or recognizing" 

Pretend - 

to claim, represent, or assert falsely; to make believe

Red Flag - 

Warning of danger; warning or indicator, suggesting that there is a potential problem or threat; something that indicates or draws attention to a problem, danger, or irregularity

Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency

 Who here wants a new name for codependency? Oh right, no one. "Prodependency" is another victim blaming term, made up by sex addiction therapist Dr. Robert Weiss. Besides all the other issues I have with Rob Weiss (like the fact he believes porn is healthy for some people and publicly locked Gail Dines and anti porn activists for being TOO anti porn🙄), the problem with Prodependency is that it's basically the same as codependency, minus a few beliefs, and then stealthily rebranded in a shiny new package. Let's break down 1 book, 8 videos, more articles and research papers than I could count, all in just one post. 

What does Rob Weiss say that prodependency IS? :

Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded

 The term "Trauma Bond" is just as victim blaming as codependency, reactive abuse, stockholm syndrome, learned helplessness, Drama Triangle, etc, and just as dangerous for abuse victims. To be clear, I'm not referring to the bond that happens between two victims sharing their trauma together, ex. bonding after natural disasters, victims in support groups, etc. That definitely happens and is a good thing. I've met the best of friends through the journey of healing trauma from abuse. 

I'm officially referring to the term "Trauma Bond" developed by Patrick Carnes (he was influenced by earlier works from Dutton & Painter, 1981, and Bruno Bettelheim, 1940). The foundation behind trauma bonding believes victims don't leave abusive relationships because victims are compulsively SEEKING to be abused, addicted to trauma, addicted to being abused/the abuser, acting out past childhood trauma, codependent, and in the drama triangle (Drama Triangle means they aren't really a victim and only ACTING like a victim), etc. Basically trauma bonding believes victims have underlying issues that "led" them to be in abusive relationships and become trauma bonded. This not only patholagizes the victim, but it also places responsibility on the victim, which is why it's victim blaming. 

Sadly the label "Trauma bond" has become extremely popular, yet most people and professionals don't understand the patriarchal/misogynistic victim blaming foundation it was created in. Even therapist Bessel Van Der Kolk helped popularize the label in his book The Body Keeps The Score. Many of the earlier beliefs that led up to the creation of trauma bonding were based off of the works by a man called Bruno Bettleheim. Bettleheim wrote papers in 1943 about being in nazi camps, and how nazi prisoners tried to mimic the gestapo (almost like they were addicted and wanted to be just like them), etc. He later wrote tons of psychology papers about human bonding, and (autistic) children, etc. 

Turns out Bettleheim was a big fraud and liar. Nothing he wrote about the concentration camps actually happened. He was there, yes, but what he claims happened didn't happen. They interviewed tons of other people in the same camp. Bettleheim also was never a psychologist like he claimed, he was a history major. He only took 2 psychology classes, yet lied about his credentials and treated thousands of children and experimented on them, and wrote tons of psychology papers /studies (many of which later became the inspiration of "trauma bonding"). But since Bettleheim was a fraud, so are the foundations and beliefs behind trauma bonding. 

So why are we still using a label who's very existence was never based on facts? 

Here are a few quotes that further show why it's victim blaming :

Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"

 I'm not against everything regarding learned helplessness. Martin Seligman's study is fascinating (disgusting), though I don't feel it is entirely accurate. I'm also not against the idea of victims feeling helpless; this is a normal human emotion. I am against the term "Learned Helplessness" being applied to abused/betrayed victims. That is victim-blaming. Let me explain the history: 

Learned Helplessness is a term coined by psychologist Martin Seligman in 1967. He wanted to understand depression. In his study, he took dogs, put them in Pavlov slings, and attached electrodes to their hind legs (see pictures below). The electrodes delivered an inescapable and uncontrollable shock to half of the dogs he referred to as the "yoked group". He then took the yoked group of dogs and put them in a shuttle box with an electrified floor and a half wall in the middle and continued shocking them in hopes that the yoked group would jump over the half wall to escape, which would end the shock. Instead, 60% of the yoked dogs whimpered and yelped and eventually just laid down during the remaining 60 seconds of the shock. He concluded that the reason the yoked dogs didn't jump over the half wall to escape was because they had literally learned helplessness. (Though, Seligman did mention that at the end of a shock session, if the door to the opposite shuttle box was opened, the dog "will often come bounding across to escape from the box altogether". Why he didn't consider that as evidence yoked dogs DO escape, I do not know. That sounds like an escape to me. 🤷) 

Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome

The term "Stockholm Syndrome" is ALL CRAP. Hogwash. Nonsense. Absurd. Rubbish. Malarky. Hooey. Doo doo. Lies.

Yet there are hundreds of cited research studies, articles, movies, and theories about abuse victims founded from it, and they are all based on something that isn't even real. 😲

Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)

 The Drama Triangle is another victim blaming term when applied to trauma victims. 

According to the creator, Dr. Stephen Karpman, the Drama Triangle is basically when two unhealthy people come together and take turns playing the roles of the Victim "woe is me", Persecutor "the bully", & Rescuer "Let me fix you", because they have psychological unmet needs, often developed in childhood. The Victim in this model is thought to be the start or catalyst of the Drama Triangle by seeking out a Persecutor who will keep them playing the Victim, and also a Rescuer who will "save" them. All three roles thrive off the drama and can get a sense of excitement from control and having felt they "won". 

However, involvement in a drama triangle isn't something someone is doing to you. It's something you are equally doing WITH another unhealthy person. If you are currently the victim in a abusive/betrayed relationship you cannot be in the Drama Triangle, because the "Victim" role in the Drama Triangle isn't actually a real victim, it's someone ACTING like a victim, ie "playing the victim," as Dr. Stephan Karpman stated:

Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse

"Reactive Abuse" or "Mutual Abuse" isnt a real thing. Someone always has more power and control. The reason victims do things is completely different than why perpetrators do things. By saying the victim and the perpetrator are BOTH abusers, it's not only inaccurate, it's incredibly victim blaming and not helpful for the victim OR the perpetrator. Plus, we already have a correct name for this situation, it's called self defense. Why would we ever call something abuse when it isn't abuse? 

Think of it this way, if someone broke into your house and held you down and tried to kill you with a knife, and in your terrified state you managed to break free enough to grab a bat from under your bed and hit the attacker in the head, and that blow to the head lead to the attacker dying....... would we call YOU a murderer? 

Victim Blaming Post #1 Codependency

I will be doing a series of posts about some victim blaming terms that many people may not be aware of that are harming victims of abuse, like Codependency, Prodependency, Trauma Bonded, Stockholm Syndrome, Reactive/Mutual Abuse, Drama Triangle, Learned Helplessness, etc <-- all terms made up by men and applied to women they thought were crazy, much like Hysteria (Which sadly still exists in the DSM, they just call it Histrionic now 😳). This post will be about Codependency. 

Codependency was a word made up by addicts from Alcoholics Anonymous, founded in 1935, and was then used by Al-Anon (Sister of AA) when it was formed in 1951. The word later became widely popular by therapists and also authors like Melody Beattie in the 1980's. Addicts basically believed their loved ones were acting just as crazy as an addict by displaying similar behaviors (what THEY considered to be neurosis, controlling, neediness, paranoia, ritualizing etc.) and so they assumed their loved ones must be "addicted" to the addict/addicts addiction, therefore needing the exact same 12 steps as the addict (same wording and everything). This is why Al-Anon and S-anon and COSA etc. were created, to help treat all the obsessed dysfunctional family members of addicts --- also so they'd no longer hinder the addicts recovery which was the main goal (Read Al-Anons "To Wives" below🙄). These 12 step manuals subtly teach family members the belief that they have just as many issues and are as diseased as the addict. 

Sadly, there's a huge movement out there where therapists and organizations (many of the top sex addiction organizations in the world) will remove the WORD "Codependency" and instead slap the word trauma over it, without ever getting rid of the codependency treatment or victim blaming content. So it's still victim blaming, except it's masked in the word trauma, thus making it more confusing and harder to spot, and in my mind more dangerous. An example of this is how it was publicly stated by Stefanie Carnes that only 1-2% of CSATS still use the codependency model. Yet an ongoing poll showed 74% of betrayed wives experienced a CSAT covertly using the codependency model. There's a huge difference in what is SAID, and what actually happens. 

Victims deserve better than to be continually blamed. 

Prodependency Is Harmful

 "EVEN IF IT'S ALL COMPLETELY TRUE"

Anyone else sick of sex addict men coming up with labels for traumatized women? 

Let's talk "Prodependency" 😊 

Proof S-Anon Blames Trauma Victims

(Yes. Cat memes make me happy) 

S-Anon is victim blaming and codependency based, even if they don't use the word "codependency". 

12 step groups for traumatized wives can be dangerous because they were made for addicts. Trauma victims deserve better than to be treated like part of the problem. If anyone tries to tell you that Sanon is different or that it doesn't blame the victim, refer them to these screenshots directly from S-Anons website and their latest blue 12 step book (page numbers are in red).

**Added note: I'm not saying no one has ever been helped by the 12 steps. I have many Betrayed friends who's lives were saved by women in the 12 steps. 12 steps were literally all that they had back then, they didn't have better options. But now that we know better, we do better. Betrayed wives deserve the correct treatment 💗

S-anon believes wives are just as sick and diseased and addicted as our sex addict husbands. Whenever they talk about "our illness", this is what they mean:

How To Tell If Your Therapist Is Covertly Victim Blaming

  A recent poll suggests that 93% of betrayed wives have had an experience with a therapist blaming them by using the codependency model in the last five years. Another ongoing poll indicates 74% of wives have had experiences with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) who still use victim blaming modalities like the codependency model. This is shocking because CSATs "claim" they've been trained in the trauma model and the facilitator of the CSAT training, Dr. Stephanie Carnes, has even recently stated on a podcast that only 1-2% of CSATs still use the codependency model. Why the discrepancy? 

Sadly many therapists SAY they understand trauma and use the trauma model, but will still covertly use the outdated codependency model (they just won't mention the actual word "codependency"), and other victim blaming labels like, Trauma Bonding, Stockholm Syndrome, Prodependency, Drama Triangle, Learned Helplessness, Reactive Abuse, etc. This leaves many unsuspecting traumatized wives following the codependent/victim blaming beliefs, and in danger of being re-traumatized by a well-intentioned therapist.

This doesn't automatically mean every therapist who gives out this advice is "bad," it just means they don't yet fully understand trauma and need further education so they don't continue to inadvertently harm their patients (and I mean more trauma education outside of the Carnes sphere, like maybe Response Based Practice, perhaps?😊). I’m not saying to instantly leave your therapist, I’m just saying to educate yourself on victim blaming language and ideas.

Knowing these warning signs can help protect you so you can better know when to stand up for yourself. 💗

What is the victim blaming language that you should be aware of? Here are the most commonly used phrases and ideas, followed at the end by a break down of each one :

If a therapist ever:

Codependency Harms

History of Codependency

The term codependency (or co-addict) was a word made up by a bunch of addicts from Alcoholics Anonymous, founded in 1935, and was then used by Al-Anon (Sister of AA) when it was formed in 1951. The word later became widely popular by therapists and also authors like Melody Beattie in the 1980's. Addicts basically believed their loved ones were acting just as crazy as an addict by displaying similar behaviors (what they considered to be obsession, controlling, neediness, paranoia, ritualizing etc.) and so they assumed their loved ones must be "addicted" to the addict, therefore needing the exact same 12 steps as the addict (same wording and everything). This is why Al-Anon and S-anon and COSA etc. were created, to help treat all the obsessed dysfunctional family members of addicts --- also so they'd no longer hinder the addicts recovery. These 12 step manuals subtly teach family members the belief that they have just as many issues and are as diseased as the addict 😢

However, over the years more therapists have come to realize that family members of addicts WEREN'T actually exhibiting addict or diseased behaviors, but were instead experiencing trauma/PTSD, just like a rape victim or war veteran. Family members didn't have a disease, they were simply INJURED --- the cause is external and not a direct result of one's internal issues. (Click HERE to see if your trauma meets the PTSD diagnosis). 

The codependency label is not only an incorrect label to automatically apply to wives of sex addicts or abuse victims, but has the possibility of being very dangerous because it places undue blame on wives for their completely natural reactions to being injured by their husband's choices. Most behaviors thought of as codependency (hypervigilance/ obsession, worrying about what a spouse thinks, lack of boundaries, being controlled by an addict, "loving" the addict more than they love you, etc.) are instead natural NORMAL symptoms of a trauma injury, much like screaming out in pain or being full of fear after being run over by a semi truck, and they are NOT because wives are doing something "wrong". We wouldn't tell someone who was just run over by a semi truck that their natural reaction to pain means there's something mentally wrong with them, would we? 💗 

Top 4 Myths of The Codependency Model 

Myth #1 Wives Allow Their Husband's To Mistreat Them (Ie. Wives are partly to blame for doing nothing to stop it)

 

My Boundaries

For those interested in what my current personal boundaries look like 💗. For How to Set Boundaries go HERE :

Boundaries are very important to me. I want to live in a peaceful loving and safe environment, and out of my love of my marriage, out of my love for my husband, out of love for myself, and out of love of my children, these are things I mentally and physically need in order to stay safe and maintain health and stability. 

Latter Day Saint: Helpful Consequences, Repentance and the Process of Becoming Worthy

Are Consequences and Repentance Required for Worthiness?

 LDS Mormon Quotes

Why Are Consequences Helpful? 

If Alma the younger never felt the pains of hell, and was racked with the eternal torment in remembrance of all his sins, do you think he would have had such a great change of heart? Would he have understood all that he had done wrong? I myself never would have gotten sober without going through the pains of hell.

Many times bishops, leaders and loved ones unknowingly enable an addicts addiction which can cause them to believe their trangression wasnt serious ---ie. "I can look at pornography and still go to the temple and take sacrament? Oh, what I did must not be that bad". Leaders and loved ones may think they are helping by encouraging the addict to continue going to the temple or taking the sacrament despite a recent relapse, slip, or discovery of ones sexual sins, but instead they may be unknowingly hurting them. Remember consequences are for our benefit. They are good and can help bring about lasting change.
 

What Can Church Leaders Do to Help?

"The bishop represents the Lord in extending forgiveness for the Church. At times he must administer bitter medicine. Alma told Corianton, “Now, repentance could not come unto men except there were a punishment” (Alma 42:16). I would not want to live in a world where there was no repentance, and if punishment is a condition of that, I will willingly accept that. There is the idea abroad that one can send a postcard of prayer and receive in return full forgiveness and be ready at once for a mission or for marriage in the temple. Not so. There are payments to be made. If a bishop offers comfort only and, in misguided kindness, seeks to relieve you of the painful but healing process in connection with repentance, he will not serve you well."

https://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng

Latter Day Saint: Can Someone View Pornography and Still Attend the Temple Worthily??

Pornography and the Law of Chastity

 LDS Mormon Quotes

 

What is Pornography?

 

Definition of Pornography :

"Pornography is any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. It is distributed through many media,including magazines, books, television, movies, music, and the Internet. It is as harmful to the spirit as tobacco, alcohol, and drugs are to the body. Using pornographic material in any way is a violation of a commandment of God: “Thou shalt not … commit adultery … nor do anything like unto it”"

&

"Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."
LDS.org

What is Worthiness?

  

"Personal worthiness is an essential requirement to enjoy the blessings of the temple. Anyone foolish enough to enter the temple unworthily will receive condemnation."

Richard G Scott, LDS. org

Latter Day Saint: Judge Others

What The Church Says About Judging Others

"Thou shalt not judge" is a common accusatory (and quite shaming) misconception I hear quite often. Except we are not commanded to "not judge", and are actually commanded to judge righteously. Its sometimes hard to judge what our own safety is if we don't judge what the danger is. We must learn to judge and discern evil threats. The scriptures and the church can help us navigate this 👍

Correlation Between Video Games And Sex Addiction

CORRELATION BETWEEN VIDEO GAMES AND PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION

Watch this video on the science behind pornography addiction. Video games reward the same areas of the brain. They hijack dopamine/the reward circuit. So if you are a pornography or sexual addict,  doing ANYTHING that promotes isolation along with fantasy,  while also creating novelty and rewarding the same areas of the brain as porn, is a bad bad bad combination. Whether they are getting their drug high and isolation, fantasy,  and novelty hit from porn or from video games, neither are going to be good for the addict brain.

How to Do Self EMDR

 

Self EMDR

Here's how to do POSITIVE self EMDR to help with trauma and help you love yourself. No therapist is needed because there's no digging into scary trauma, its just about getting the EMDR to open up your brain and better receive the affirmation **WARNING: Do not do this with traumatic memories without a therapist. I am not liable for anything that happens **

Your Brain on Caffeine

Your Brain on Caffeine

Im going to write about something that may be upsetting to some people.

I'm going to talk about the dangers of caffeine.

So, if caffeine and you are best friends and it's something you aren't ready to hear yet, I suggest walking away now because my husband quit cold turkey the day he learned all this 😁


Let me ask you something.....Why do you think caffeine is added into soda and other beverages in the first place?

Wearing Lingerie

I know this can be a touchy subject so as an addict, and my husband also being an addict, I'm going to explain the reasons why I personally don't wear lingerie anymore.

Should My Husband Take A Polygraph?

If Your Husband Struggles With a Sexual Addiction Should He Take a Polygraph?

I love polygraphs.

I believe all sex addicts should take an annual polygraph.

Does Masturbation Cause Sexual Dysfunction?

Scientific and Personal Reasons of Why Masturbation Can Cause Sexual & Erectile Dysfunction.

I started masturbating when I was 5 yrs old. I had no religious church induced shame nor any parental induced shame over masturbation because I didn't even know that I was masturbating until my late teens. My parents never knew I masturbated. They didnt have sex/masturbation talks with me about what was right vs wrong, nor did I hear much about masturbation/sex at church. And even after I DID find out that what I was doing was masturbating, I thought it was healthy and that it caused no harm. I'd say to myself "Yea right, like touching myself is going to hurt myself or anyone else haha, that's so STUPID. Its helping me learn my body and practice for when I have sex. Those are good things! 👍"...

It wasn't until 7 yrs ago when I got sober that I started looking back and discovering that no matter how OK I thought masturbation was, it still in and of itself brought shame. And I never in a million years would have believed masturbation could have caused such negative horrible effects on my bodies ability to function properly.

I've already written the post about what the LDS Church thinks about masturbation HERE, so now I'm gonna talk about the medical side of masturbation and how contrary to current popular belief, the studies actually show it is NOT healthy for the body, and masturbation DOES cause Sexual Dysfunction in both men and women.

First like always, let's look at some official definitions of Masturbation. You know, just for clarity. 😉

LDS Mormon View On Masturbation

"Masturbation is sex with self. Sex with self is sex with someone other than your husband or wife to whom you are legally and lawfully married.Therefore, masturbation is a violation of temple covenants."

- LDS author Andrew Pippanne, creator of the website rowboatandmarbles.org

According to the LDS church, one cannot masturbate and still enter the temple worthily. Just because an unlearned bishop, ward member, friend, sex therapist etc. doesn't specifically "ask" it in a temple interview, gives permission, or says it's natural and OK, etc., it doesn't mean the LDS church says it's ok. Before we go into everything the LDS church says about masturbation, lets first break down what "Being Worthy" actually means, according to the LDS church.

Questions To Ask Your Husband

If you just found out about your husbands addiction and are going through the full disclosure, these questions may be helpful to ask.

Is There Something Wrong With Me That Attracts Sex Addicts?

Is There Something Wrong With You That Attracts Addicts? 

I used to believe so, but I no longer do. 

Hear me out. 


If statistics say 70-99% of men are looking at porn now days (and those are only the ones who admit it)........

... Then you could be the most healthy person in the world and guess what? The odds are still against you. 

Latter Day Saint: Commanded To Forgive

 Must We Forgive Those Who Harm Us And Is Forgiveness The Same As Trust?

LDS.org Quotes

The quotes below have brought me comfort. At first, I honestly didn't even know what the word "forgive" really meant, despite hearing the word so often growing up.  I think it's important to remember that forgiveness doesn't have a timetable. There's no allotted time ---- "Oh, your husband cheated on you? You have 6 months to forgive"---- ha. No no it doesn't work like that.

70% of Men Look At Pornography

Pornography Statistics

These are some more recent statistics from all around the world (and some old stats taken before smart phones) that show a general pretty consistent 70-80%-ish range of men look at porn at the very LEAST once a month. Addicts are notorious for lying about the frequency of porn use, kinda makes you wonder what the REAL percentage is.

Gaslighting is Abuse.

What is Gaslighting?

 Quotes & Resources

1.
Oxford Dictionary states:

"Gaslight - Manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity"

Latter Day Saint: Is Sex a Responsibility?

  Is it Your Responsibility to Have Sex With Your Husband? 

Quotes From LDS Mormon Church Leaders

Many wives struggle with feeling like it is their responsibility to have sex with their husbands. Thankfully, I believe the LDS Church is very clear on this subject.

If anyone ever tries to convince you that your husband needs sex and that it is your duty as a wife to be "available" for him, please refer them to these lds. org quotes.

Is the Addiction Label Helpful or Hurtful?

 

Many people believe that using the term "sex addict" is detrimental, and should no longer be used when treating sex addicts because it causes them to feel too much shame.

I can definitely see how someone could feel shame by calling themselves a sex addict. I can also see how someone could feel shame by saying "I look at pornography all the time and refuse to stop".

Latter Day Saint: Anger Can Be Healthy For Betrayed Wives

To the innocent wives suffering Betrayal Trauma ❤

Is ALL anger bad? Should we always avoid anger at all costs? Why would Christ show anger with the money changers if it's so wrong?

Lds. org states:
"Anger is an emotion everyone experiences. Dealing with it in healthy ways is an essential life skill to learn." - New Era

&

An lds. org article about living with an alcoholic parent states:
(To the friend of the abused)
  "Drunk people do disgusting things. They may even abuse their children.
   Your friend will be both shamed and angered by these actions. And she may feel guilty about her anger. Let her know that she has a right to be angry.
   Just help her direct and control that anger so it doesn’t cause her serious trouble."
(To the abused)
 "..Don’t feel guilty about it. It’s okay to feel angry. Anyone in your circumstances would feel that way.
   And if you haven’t been able to forgive him, keep trying, but don’t feel guilty about that either.
   Forgiving is not an easy virtue to master, and nobody’s timing you." - Living with an alcoholic parent by Anne Lawrence https://www.lds.org/liahona/1989/08/drunk-again-living-with-an-alcoholic-parent?lang=eng