What Is Addiction Recovery?
Wanna know what the grande ol' mystery to addiction recovery is? The answer we all search for when figuring out if your partner is IN recovery?This may be hard for some to accept. You ready?
HONESTY.
Im sure we've all thought our partners were honest at one point or another. Honesty? Easy peasy right? But do we fully know what it means to be completely honest?? Let's start with definitions, because you know I love me some good definitions. 😉
Honest:
Truthful, sincere, free of deceit and fraud, unpretentious, morally correct, virtuous, candid, frank, open, forthright, ingenious, straightforward, plain speaking, matter-of-fact, upfront, aboveboard, genuine, honorable.Recovery:
.. healthy functioning state of mind, strength, or health
"A voluntarily maintained lifestyle characterized by sobriety, personal health and citizenship.” - The Betty Ford Institute
&
“Recovery from addiction is a process of change through which an individual achieves abstinence and improved health, wellness and quality of life.” - Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
&
“A process of overcoming both physical and psychological dependence on an addiction with a commitment to abstinence-based sobriety” - American Society of Addiction Medicine"
How Do We Know If Our Partners Are In Recovery?
He will be completely honest to himself, his wife/partner, to God (if applicable), and to everyone close to him. Not just once. Not for a few months. For the rest of his LIFE. Going back to addict it abusive behavior every once in a while shows they don't fully want to change yet, even if they have not yet physically acted out. Addict's must be sober and living healthily in order to get INTO true Recovery. Getting into real recovery could take anywhere from 1-6 years, depending on how badly the addict abuser wants to change. However, RECOVERY IS NOT PERFECTION. Recovery is not a one stop process. Yes, recovery always requires sobriety, but it's NOT about never making simple mistakes ever again, we all make mistakes. I see it more as an ongoing straight line towards progress and healthy living..while continually staying sober.Honest and CONSISTENT Recovery Behaviors Include, But Not Limited To:
- Complete sobriety. ZERO Slips, Relapses or Acting Out. Acting Out - Intentionally seeking out any erotic and sexual stimulus, even if "accidental" at first, this includes waking up in the middle of wet dreams and continuing, or accidentally coming across pornography but choosing to continue looking at it. DEFINITE lines of acting out: Pornography, Masturbation, In person infidelity, Emotional infidelity, Inappropriate relationships with opposite sex, Chatting, Flirting, Sex ad browsing, Forcing/coercing anyone to have sex (yes, even if it’s your own wife/partner), Massage brothels, etc. For definitions of pornography, addiction, etc., go HERE
- PREVENTS Slips, Relapses, and Acting Out by being honest and reaching out to others beforehand.
- VULNERABLE : Talks about feelings, thoughts, and experiences.
- If religious, gone through the basics of the Repentance Process (although, is the repentance process ever REALLY done?)
- Doesn't intentionally seek lust and fantasy, and will openly talk about triggers if they happen.
- Takes 100% responsibility for his actions and CHOICES, in both word and actions, regardless of the consequences
- Can admit when he makes a mistake or is wrong, and apologizes without prompting (To be clear, I do NOT mean acting out or abusing. Acting out and abuse are never a "mistake", they are a choice)
- Can self parent and use "thinking brain"
- Empathetic - Gives you the space or closeness you need and shows that he understands the hurt which he has caused you and loved ones.
- Open to feedback
- Can listen and hold your pain
- Sees you as an equal human being
- Respectful of you as a person & respectful of your boundaries, body, & feelings
- Progressively trying to better himself, his quality of life, and his family's quality of life
- Proactive about his life
- Not abusive
- Thankful
- Easy going
- Humble
- Meek
- Accountable
- Lowly of heart
- If religious, a close relationship with God; Christlike
- Shares his successes in recovery efforts because he wants to, not because he's checking off boxes
- Will willingly take an annual polygraph if needed (and will pass).
What About Being Recovered? Can My Partner Ever Be Cured?
For an addict, there's no such thing as being "recovered" or "cured". This is because the addictive neural pathways in the brain will never go away. They can thankfully go dormant, and an addict CAN be sober and healthy for the rest of their lives, but the neural pathways don't disappear. It's like riding a bicycle. No matter how long it's been since you've ridden a bicycle, your brain will remember again thanks to neural pathways. Once an addict picks up that "bicycle" again, then those addictive neural pathways will light back up, those urges and desires will spring back up, and it will take work and time for them to go dormant again.
How Do We Know If Our Partners Are NOT In Recovery?
He will not be completely honest with himself, his wife/partner, God (if applicable), and everyone close to him, etc.Recovery is NOT any of these:
- Acting Out in addiction in ANY way (aka not sober)
- Lying
- Abusive in any way to others or self (mentally, physically, psychologically, spiritually, financially)
- Minimizing
- Defensive
- Gaslighting
- Blaming anything or anyone (ie. Blaming you, childhood trauma, the addiction, shame, religion, stress, mental disorder, etc)
- Always redirecting conversations back on you
- Manipulating
- Controlling
- Refusing to be vulnerable
- Pressuring or coercing partner into sex
- Entitlement
- Using fear, guilt, or threats to get what they want
- Rationalizing
- Prideful and egotistical
- Hero complex
- Intentionally finding ways to lust and fantasize (even if "accidently" at first)
- Escapes the pain and guilt to make themselves feel better in the moment
- Runs away, hides, or isolates from issues o and uncomfortable situations
- Doesn't talk about their behaviors, feelings, thoughts, and triggers
- Relies on checking boxes and only doing what others tell him he should do, instead of using his own mind and skills; Believes others need to tell him how to be honest, sober, and respectful
- Pretending to be stupid or lacking in basic skills in order to be a decent person
- Refusing to take a polygraph (this indicates they are refusing to be honest)
- Doesn't share things they've been learning
- Acting like the victim and seeking sympathy, or trying to get others to take their side
- Evasive and disrespectful of others personal Boundaries
- Disclosing information only when asked
- Is caught or reported by someone else, rather than admitting to or confessing inappropriate behavior
- Criticizing
- Lashes out, or, gets angry without discussing feelings afterward in a healthy way
- Moody "Jekyll & Hyde"
- Resentful
- Vindictive
- Overly critical
- Sexist, misogynistic, or views women like sexual objects
- Selfish
- Pretends or convinces others there are no problems, that they are taken care of, or are no big deal
- Makes empty promises
- Self sabotages, self punishes or is self loathing, "woe is me, I suck, I can't do anything right, nothing I do is good enough for you"
- Not willing to put in the time or effort to fix his problems
- Continuing to put themselves in situations where they can be tempted (Often called "Yellow light" behavior: browsing websites known to have unsafe content, numbing out online, random web surfing, unsafe friends/family, unsafe co-workers, etc.)
- Using other addictions— such as food, alcohol, drugs, video/online games, over-working, spending— to avoid dealing with real problems
- Wanting you to be okay with their addiction, abuse, and choices and feels like "you don't love them" if they can’t do whatever they want
- Wanting life to go back to the way things were before getting caught, rather than improving and growing
- Getting upset when you don't believe they've magically changed or are sincere
- Making quick-fix deals and apologies in order for you to drop the issue
- Not living standards in accordance with religious beliefs, if applicable
- Lashing out at kids when upset/continuing to treat kids like crap/ controlling and shaming
Why It's Important To Define Recovery
The definitions of Recovery, Slip, Relapse, and Acting Out can mean completely two different things depending on the person, therapist, sponsor, or whatever 12 step group is out there. You'd be shocked at how many believe it's ok to act out and still remain in "recovery" (despite the fact that by definition recovery is about healthy living and there's never anything healthy about acting out).I believe addict abusers (and betrayed partners) NEED as much clarity in this process as possible, and if EVERYONE has different definitions then it leaves huge room for miscommunication, can coddle addict abusers, and most importantly be dangerous for the betrayed partner.
For example,
If my husband looked at porn for 5 min and then later told someone who believes relapses/slips are OK in Recovery -- "Hey, I had a slip today. Do I need to restart my sobriety?" --.......guess what that person would tell my husband? They'd say "It's ok man, you don't need to reset your sobriety. Slips happen. You're still in Recovery and doing great, good job!".
And then guess what wrong misconception my husband would gather from that? He'd think:
"I don't need to reset my sobriety for looking at porn for 5 min. It's OK. Im still in Recovery and doing great".
Do you see the problem here? 😉
He would assume his definition of Recovery and Slip was the same as everyone else's and vise versa. And we all know addicts are notorious for easily "misunderstanding" stuff in order to justify their choice to act out. That is very dangerous and detrimental to his healing AND is dangerous and a threat to his family's safety.
You NEVER want an addict to ever "misunderstand" that it's OK to look at porn for 5 min and can still remain "IN Recovery", since it's never possible to act out and be in recovery.
Thats not to say that an addict can't progress and do well while working TOWARDS Recovery. Staying sober is great!
But sobriety doesn't mean someone is automatically IN Recovery yet. And that's OK.
Being in recovery is about healthy living. It's about complete honesty. It's about doing whatever it takes to stay sober and continually having that progressive change of heart for the rest of their life.
Whatever it takes is whatever it takes.
