Tuesday, June 7, 2022

Why The Carnes/CSAT Empire Is Victim Blaming

FYI: The CSAT training is FULL OF CODEPENDENCY/victim blaming. Stephanie Carnes runs the CSAT trainings (her father Patrick Carnes made up the CSAT label and lets her run it. The same Patrick Carnes that also said parents are sexually attracted to their children ๐Ÿคฎ See screenshot at the bottom) and she teaches therapists information about betrayal trauma out of her "Facing Heartbreak" workbook which has a ton of victim blaming. This means that therapists are being told they are learning betrayal trauma, when in fact they are learning a hybrid of victim blaming models and betrayal trauma, and possibly don't even know it.... after all, the Carnes are the "experts" in the sex addiction industry. (Examples of victim blaming models : Codependency, Trauma Bonding, Stockholm SyndromeReactive Abuse, Learned Helplessness, Prodependencytelling victims they are acting like a victim, in victim mode, or in victim mentality, etc).

Stephanie Carnes and the CSAT community still have a lot to learn about trauma & abuse. No good therapist would ever say such horrible blaming things below to a woman who has been raped, so why would they say it to a betrayed wife who's being abused? Are all CSATs uneducated? No. But most are, and it's important to remember that the CSAT label doesn't automatically mean a therapist is good. If someone found a good CSAT therapist then I promise it had nothing to do with their weekend CSAT training ๐Ÿ’—

Here's some info about Stephanie Carnes & Facing Heartbreak, and also a few concerning things Patrick Carnes has said :

1. Stephanie Carnes said in a Helping Couples Heal podcast that only 1-2% of CSATS are using the victim blaming codependency model. But according to polls in multiple betrayal groups, MOST CSATS are STILL using victim blaming codependency models. Just because the Carnes empire tried to stop saying the word codependency AS often (they didn't completely stop using it), doesn't mean they stopped using the same treatment for codependency. 

Stephanie Carnes SAYS she's pro trauma model now, but she's clearly still heavily using the victim blaming models. 

2. In Stefanie Carnes workbook "Facing Heartbreak" (even the newly revised version, why didn't she take this crap out back when she revised it?), Stephanie has a list of "Secret cloak like behaviors" that wives do that are "crazy making reactive choices" which are part of the "toxic dance". Some of those behaviors are things like :


Searching files

Canceling magazine subscriptions

Searching the home

Searching his phone

Installing computer Spyware (fyi, this is also called Monitoring software. They are the same thing) 

Hiring a private detective

Throwing away porn stashes

Adopting a victim stance " - - (whaaaat? Victims of abuse ARE victims, wth? ๐Ÿคฆ)

Etc... The list goes on. 

Heaven forbid us women ever try to find the truth for ourselves in order to keep our lives and homes SAFE. I guess shame on us for choosing to engage in such "toxic crazy making reactions". ๐Ÿคฆ‍♀️

On the next page in Facing Heartbreak, it lists "Dagger like behaviors". Stephanie says "A dagger brings to mind the potential for pain and damage.... emotions that are not expressed appropriately in the relatinship can 'cut' the addict....Circle all the destructive dagger-like behaviors you have used when reacting to your partners sex addiction. "

Here's a few from this list:




Gaining Weight (... ๐Ÿ˜ฏ๐Ÿ˜ฏ) 


Telling children of partners addictions

Calling addict names 

Threats of telling church leaders 

Monitoring progress with anger


Demands for attention "


So wives, don't you dare gain weight while in trauma, that would be a "dagger like behavior" and would cut the poor addict abuser and hurt both of you. Also, don't blame him for something he really did do, that's bad. AND even though you're in such horrible pain and trauma and are so confused and gaslit you don't know up from down, DON'T EVEN THINK about having any negative emotions that could lead to yelling, profanity, or even telling your children, church leaders, or basically ANYONE, because that would be viewed as a threat by your addict husbands ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ข

Again, you can always tell when advice/treatment is from the codependency or a victim blaming model by asking yourself this question: "Would they say the same thing if instead I was brutally raped by a stranger?". ๐Ÿ’—

3. Patrick and Stefanie Carnes believe masturbation can be healthy for some sex addicts. Which is like saying an alcoholic can have a few healthy glasses of wine with dinner. Here's a Google doc with screenshots: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WUtLnsfmtJtV2F-prT4_YOKSfO_dRaejlVJ0HudDpM0/edit?usp=drivesdk

4. Someone informed me recently that IITAPs pastoral PSAP course (it's like the CSAT course, but pastoral) was full of victim blaming as well. The CSAT therapist Marnie Ferree who was running the betrayal trauma portion of the PSAP course (which was only 1.5 hours out of a 64 hour course ๐Ÿ™„ You can become a betrayal Trauma expert in only 1.5 hours, yeah๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿคฃ) told everyone in the class that the codependency/co-addict model is correct, but that the "trauma /abuse people" took over and changed the codependency /co-addict meaning (no they didn't, it hasn't changed ๐Ÿ™„), and thats why Stefanie Carnes changed some of the wording in her books but kept the treatment of codependency/co-addiction. She also stated that people like Dr Omar Minwalla went "too far". 

This completely validated what I've been saying for years: The people in the Carnes empire are NOT trauma or abuse/violence informed, and are NOT truly teaching about betrayal trauma . They are only saying they are in order to not be blacklisted by the growing number of educated women & therapists who are anti-victim blaming. Stefanie Carnes' whole coming out video in 2013 where she basically said "I no longer believe in codependency, I never felt it fit. It's trauma, not codependency" (paraphrasing) were just pretty words, because she was only talking about the WORD, not the belief behind codependency, and it's TREATMENT. And even then, she still chose to use the word codependency in her books๐Ÿคฆ, my guess is so she didn't piss off the outdated pro codependency crowd. I believe her "trauma awakening" was all a stunt so the Carnes empire didn't lose business. She's still actively using the victim blaming codependency model.

Feels like widespread gaslighting, eh? 

What's also sad is even therapists taking their courses are convinced it's trauma informed because again, that's what they're told. You then try to convince the therapists that the information they learned about betrayal trauma at the CSAT certification is misinformed, and of course most of them don't listen to you since "they are the trained professionals after all, and learned from the best experts in the industry". 

It's a giant mess.

** FYI, when I say Carnes empire, I mean everything that Patrick & Stefanie Carnes built. Here's a few :

 - IITAP - The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals

- SASH - Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health

- CSAT - Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (and ASAT, Associate)

- CMAT - Certified Multiple Addiction Therapist

- CPTT - Certified Partner and Trauma Therapist (and APTT, Associate) 

- PSAP - Pastoral Sex Addiction Professiona (like CSAT but pastoral) 

- AFAR - American Foundation for Addiction Research 

- GentlePath (intensive, books, publishing company, etc) 

- PineGrove Gratitude program

- The Meadows addiction treatment

5. Here's more harmful things the Carnes have said about abuse victims, like saying victims are "addicted to trauma". It's nauseating....

Trauma Bonding: 


More of a deep history of how "trauma bonding" was created. It was largely based on someone who turned out to be a fraud and a liar: 


Carnes saying parents are sexually attracted to children, & also where he talks about a father raping his daughters and refers it as "intensely active sexually". Not rape, abuse, molestion, etc or any of the accurate terms, but "intensely active sexually", as if it's consensual or just some ordinary sexual action ๐Ÿคฎ:

My Facebook post about it :


Thursday, March 17, 2022

90-99% of Men Regularly View Pornography

Pornography Statistics:

"94.2 % [men] had viewed pornography in the last six months. 

Additionally, 82.4% indicated that they currently were regular users of pornography, or had been at some point. Median response for frequency of use over the last six months was 3–4 times per week. Median response for average session length was 15–30 minutes."

*** "religious participants did not report using pornography any more or less frequently than their non-religious counterparts." 



"Consumption rates of men were generally consistent (91–99%) across time frames" 


"91.5% of men and 60.2% of women herein reported having consumed pornography in the past month."

Note* Pornography definition included written, pictures & video. 

Ingrid Solano et al. J Sex Res. 2020 Jan.



(^^^ this is also the study that is cited in Fight the New Drugs article that said 90-99% 


98.1% of men have viewed pornography in the past 6 months. 80.3% of those men view pornography at least once a week. 


Note : Sample from adults in relationships


92% men watched pornography in last 6 months. 82.5% in the last month.  63.4% in the last week. 



A study with 434 adult men found that 99% of study participants looked at porn at least occasionally.



86-96% consumption rates among men 



College students from 6 different universities: "9 out of 10 (87%) young men and nearly one third (31%) of young women reported using pornography [at LEAST once a month]" 



*** “43 percent of men and 9 percent of women report watching pornography in the past week" — The Relationship in America data. 

 * Note - The question the study asked was  “When did you last intentionally look at pornography?“. 


The Relationship in America data also shows more than 50% of men ages 25-40 viewed pornography in the last WEEK, and that pornography use on a weekly basis is sometimes higher or lower depending on the religion.  



90% of men and 60% of women reported viewing pornography in the past month &

" 46% of men and 16% of women between the ages of 18 and 39 intentionally viewed pornography in a given week" .  (study with 5165 adults) - Regnerus, Gordon, & Price, 2016



(this study was also cited by M Seehuus et al 2021)

Here's an older list that I gathered years ago that shows 70-80% of men regularly view porn across the world -https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2016/04/pornography-addiction-statistics-70.html?m=1

A few statistics from the article :

* 8 out of 10 (79%) men between the ages of 18 and 30 view pornography at least monthly

* 2 out of 3 (67%) men between the ages of 31 and 49 view pornography at least monthly

* 1 in 2 (49%) men between the ages of 50 and 68

2014 Stats by Self identified Christian men:

* The number of Christian men viewing pornography virtually mirrors the national average

* 77% of those ages 18-30 view porn at least monthly. 36% daily.

* 64% men view porn at least once a month (54% for born-again Christian men, 14% admit daily)

* Approximately two-thirds of Christian men (65%) admit to viewing pornography at least one time while at work in the past 3 months. The numbers are lower for born-again Christian, with 44% viewing porn at work in the past 3 months. Christian men between 31-49 years old have the highest rates, with 77% admitting to viewing porn at work in the past 3 months. 

- Proven Men did a nationwide survey of Christian men using a cross section of the population based upon gender, age, race, geography and other demographics. 

"The Barna Group established that the sampling error for the entire survey is ±3.1 percentage points at the 95% confidence level." 



*** * In 2007 70% of Christians admitted to struggling with porn in their daily lives 

* 90% of Christian men admitted that they were feeling disconnected from God because lust, porn, or fantasy had gained a foothold in their lives. 

* 87% of university students are having sex over webcams, instant messenger or the telephone

* The average teenager spends three to four hours per day watching television and 83% of the programming most frequently watched by adolescents contains some sexual content



*** 64% of Christian church LEADERS struggle with sexual addiction 



*** 68% of Christian men and 50% of pastors confessed to viewing porn WEEKLY in a recent survey.


Christian News Wire, June 11, 2014


***  = Religious Study

NPR = Not peer reviewed 

PR = Peer Reviewed 

Saturday, February 5, 2022

"Victim" Is Not A Weak Shameful Word

"Victim mode", "Victim Mentality", "Stop playing a Victim", "It's tempting to be the victim"(Yes, I'm staring at you Leslie Vernick๐Ÿ˜Š), "Be a survivor, not a victim", "You're a victim, but you don't have to live there. You have a choice", etc

Can you imagine someone saying these things to a victim who just lost their entire home to a natural distaster? : "Stop playing the victim, get out of your victimhood"?? That would be insensitive and mean. 

Being an actual victim isn't a feeling, a mood, or state of mind. There's no connotation of weakness in the definition of victim. See? :

Victim Definition: "to be hurt, damaged, or killed because of something or someone; a person who is cheated or fooled by someone else" 

It's simply a word that describes that something bad happened to us that wasn't our fault. That's all. Ie. Victim of a car crash, victim of assault, victim of natural distaster, etc. It's not who we are. When we talk about the word victim as if it's a label, feeling, mood, or state of mind, we are only fueling the belief that there is something wrong with the word victim. Why WOULDN'T we want a word that means what happened to us wasn't our fault? That's a GOOD thing! 

Whereas the phrase "victim mentality" by definition means that someone who is not a current victim is just playing a victim :

Victim Mentality : "an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances." 

So for anyone to tell an actual current victim that they are in victim mode, victim mentality, etc. is LITERALLY TELLING THEM THEY AREN'T A VICTIM AND ARE JUST ACTING LIKE IT! By acknowledging that I'm a victim, I'm acknowledging that I'm injured and it's not my fault. Again, this is good. But to imply I'm only "playing" a victim, it insinuates that I have fault in my injury, or am not that injured and am just being dramatic. Either one is disgusting and messed up.

Please stop pathologizing & stigmatizing the word victim. It's not a dirty shameful weak word. I can be a survivor of abuse and also a victim of abuse. They don't contradict.

These articles below are amazing ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿ’—