Wednesday, May 5, 2021

Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags

Victim Blaming


I can't count the many times I've heard women say "I ignored the red flags", or "I painted the red flags green", or have heard the question "Why do abused women ignore the red flags in the beginning?". Maybe some women really do ignore red flags, I'm not implying it's not possible. But do the majority of us actually ignore red flags? Is that why a woman ended up with an abuser!?


I don't believe so, because many times there really AREN'T red flags. We may look back and think they look like red flags, but were they actual red flags? Let's take a look at what it means to "ignore a red flag" :

Ignore - 

"to intentionally not listen or give attention to; refuse to take notice of or acknowledge; disregard intentionallyn; pretend not to notice someone or something; refrain from noticing or recognizing" 

Pretend - 

to claim, represent, or assert falsely; to make believe

Red Flag - 

Warning of danger; warning or indicator, suggesting that there is a potential problem or threat; something that indicates or draws attention to a problem, danger, or irregularity

Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency

 Who here wants a new name for codependency? Oh right, no one. "Prodependency" is another victim blaming term, made up by sex addiction therapist Dr. Robert Weiss. I'm not gonna lie, there were some things he said that I loved, including "f*** codependency" ๐Ÿ™Œ. The problem is that Prodependency is basically the same as codependency, minus a few beliefs, and then stealthily rebranded in a shiny new package. Let's break down 1 book, 6 videos, more articles and research papers than I could count, all in just one post. 


What does Rob Weiss say that prodependency IS? :

Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded

 The term "Trauma Bond" is just as victim blaming as codependency, reactive abuse, stockholm syndrome, etc, and just as dangerous for abuse victims. To be clear, I'm not referring to the bond that happens between two victims in trauma, ex. bonding after natural disasters, rape victims, etc. That definitely happens and is a good thing, I've met the best of friends through my traumatic journey. I'm officially referring to the term "Trauma Bonded" popularized by Patrick Carnes (influenced by earlier works from Dutton & Painter, 1981). 


The whole underlying belief behind trauma bonding is that abuse victims don't leave abusive relationships because they become addicted to their abusers due to their underlying issues (mental disorder, childhood trauma, insecurities), and intermittent reinforcement. But hey, I guess it's at least a step up from believing abused women stay because "they like being abused". Oh wait, society still believes that too… 


Here's a few quotes :

Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"

 I'm not against everything regarding learned helplessness. Martin Seligman's study is fascinating (disgusting), though I don't feel it is entirely accurate. I'm also not against the idea of victims feeling helpless; this is a normal human emotion. I am against the term "Learned Helplessness" being applied to abused/betrayed victims. That is victim-blaming. Let me explain the history: 


Learned Helplessness is a term coined by psychologist Martin Seligman in 1967. He wanted to understand depression. In his study, he took dogs, put them in Pavlov slings, and attached electrodes to their hind legs. The electrodes delivered an inescapable and uncontrollable shock to half of the dogs he referred to as the "yoked group". He then took the yoked group of dogs and put them in a shuttle box with an electrified floor and a half wall in the middle and continued shocking them in hopes that the yoked group would jump over the half wall to escape, which would end the shock. Instead, 60% of the yoked dogs whimpered and yelped and eventually just laid down during the remaining 60 seconds of the shock. He concluded that the reason the yoked dogs didn't jump over the half wall to escape was because they had literally learned helplessness. (Though, Seligman did mention that at the end of a shock session, if the door to the opposite shuttle box was opened, the dog "will often come bounding across to escape from the box altogether". Why he didn't consider that as evidence yoked dogs DO escape, I do not know. That sounds like an escape to me. ๐Ÿคท) 

Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome

The term "Stockholm Syndrome" is ALL CRAP. Hogwash. Nonsense. Absurd. Rubbish. Malarky. Hooey. Doo doo. Lies.


Yet there are hundreds of cited research studies, articles, movies, and theories about abuse victims founded from it, and they are all based on something that isn't even real. ๐Ÿ˜ฒ

Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)

 The Drama Triangle is another victim blaming term when applied to trauma victims. 

According to the creator, Dr. Stephen Karpman, the Drama Triangle is basically when two unhealthy people come together and take turns playing the roles of the Victim "woe is me", Persecutor "the bully", & Rescuer "Let me fix you", because they have psychological unmet needs, often developed in childhood. The Victim in this model is thought to be the start or catalyst of the Drama Triangle by seeking out a Persecutor who will keep them playing the Victim, and also a Rescuer who will "save" them. All three roles thrive off the drama and can get a sense of excitement from control and having felt they "won". 

However, involvement in a drama triangle isn't something someone is doing to you. It's something you are equally doing WITH another unhealthy person. If you are currently the victim in a abusive/betrayed relationship you cannot be in the Drama Triangle, because the "Victim" role in the Drama Triangle isn't actually a real victim, it's someone ACTING like a victim, ie "playing the victim," as Dr. Stephan Karpman stated:

Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse

Reactive Abuse is incredibly victim blaming. We already have a correct name for this, it's called self defense. Why would we ever call it abuse? 

Reactive Abuse

Think of it this way, if someone broke into your house and held you down and tried to kill you with a knife, and in your terrified state you managed to break free enough to grab a bat from under your bed and hit the attacker in the head, and that blow to the head lead to the attacker dying....... would we call YOU a murderer? 

Victim Blaming Post #1 Codependency

I will be doing a series of posts about some victim blaming terms that many people may not be aware of that are harming victims of abuse, like Codependency, Prodependency, Trauma Bonded, Stockholm Syndrome, Reactive/Mutual Abuse, Drama Triangle, Learned Helplessness, etc <-- all terms made up by men and applied to women they thought were crazy, much like Hysteria (Which sadly still exists in the DSM, they just call it Histrionic now ๐Ÿ˜ณ). This post will be about Codependency. 


Codependency was a word made up by addicts from Alcoholics Anonymous, founded in 1935, and was then used by Al-Anon (Sister of AA) when it was formed in 1951. The word later became widely popular by therapists and also authors like Melody Beattie in the 1980's. Addicts basically believed their loved ones were acting just as crazy as an addict by displaying similar behaviors (what THEY considered to be neurosis, controlling, neediness, paranoia, ritualizing etc.) and so they assumed their loved ones must be "addicted" to the addict/addicts addiction, therefore needing the exact same 12 steps as the addict (same wording and everything). This is why Al-Anon and S-anon and COSA etc. were created, to help treat all the obsessed dysfunctional family members of addicts --- also so they'd no longer hinder the addicts recovery which was the main goal (Read Al-Anons "To Wives" below๐Ÿ™„). These 12 step manuals subtly teach family members the belief that they have just as many issues and are as diseased as the addict. 


Sadly, there's a huge movement out there where therapists and organizations (many of the top sex addiction organizations in the world) will remove the WORD "Codependency" and instead slap the word trauma over it, without ever getting rid of the codependency treatment or content. So it's still victim blaming, except it's masked in the word trauma, thus making it more confusing and harder to spot, and in my mind more dangerous. An example of this is how it was publicly stated by Stefanie Carnes that only 1-2% of CSATS still use the codependency model. Yet an ongoing poll showed 74% of betrayed wives experienced a CSAT covertly using the codependency model. There's a huge difference in what is SAID, and what actually happens. 


Sex addiction