Nov 12, 2015

Addiction Dictionary : Definitions of Common Addiction Terms

ADDICTION - "Addiction is the continued repetition of a behavior/rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences."
(Note: *** Lack of fequency is not always an indicator of addiction. Acting out can be once a day, once a week, once a month, or even once a year etc. and still be an addiction)

PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION -  1. Pornography addiction is an addiction characterized by repeated use of pornographic material until it causes serious negative consequences to one's physical, mental, social, and/or financial well-being.          
  2 . An "addiction to, or dependence upon, pornography, characterized by obsessive viewing, reading, and thinking about pornography and sexual themes to the detriment of other areas of the viewer’s life." - Free Dictionary 
  3 . Prolonged viewing of pornography - books, magazines, movies, or Internet pornography - that has destructive effects on the life of a person.

SEX ADDICTION - Sex addiction is the umbrella term for all addictions that are sexual in nature (porn, Masturbation, in person affairs, etc), just like drug addiction is the umbrella term for all kinds of drug addictions (cocaine, heroin, etc) c

ACTING OUT - Intentionally seeking out any sexual stimulus, even if "accidental" at first. Ex. If you accidently come across sexual stimulus, but you choose to keep looking, that's still acting out. DEFINITE lines of acting out: pornography, masturbation, infidelity, emotional infidelity, inappropriate relationships with opposite sex, chatting, flirting, sex ad browsing, voyeurism, forcing/coercing anyone to have sex (yes, even if it’s your own spouse), & massage brothels.

PORNOGRAPHY - ANY sexual stimulus outside of an intimate relationship that a sex addict uses to get lust hits from. This could be hard core pornography, or soft core pornography like bikinis, women in workout videos, intentionally checking out women in public, looking up pictures of feet if the sex addict is into feet, or sexual content in books, comics, movies, TV, cartoons, phone apps, etc. Basically, if an addict is intentionally using the stimulus to get lust hits from, then they are turning it into their own personal porn. This doesn't mean the woman in the bikini or a woman in sandals is literal porn, this means the addict is objectifying her and turning her into porn for himself. In the end, whether it was a woman naked or a woman clothed, if an addict is intentionally seeking it out, then it does the same thing to the brain by keeping the addiction neural pathways alive. The point of healing is for those neural pathways to go dormant, which can't be done if it's still being activated with sexual stimulus outside of an intimate relationship. 
(***LDS .org Definition of Pornography -
  "Pornography is any visual or written medium created with the intent to sexually stimulate. If the work was not intended to stimulate but nevertheless causes sexual arousal in an individual, it constitutes pornography for that person."
  "Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."   

MASTURBATION - 1. "To stimulate yourself sexually. In other words, to have sex by yourself, with yourself."
2. "Get sexual gratification through self-stimulation"
3. "Erotic stimulation especially of one's own genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies."
*** Note they use the word "usually" and not "always". Sexually stimulating oneself with, or without orgasm, is still masturbation.
(Spencer W Kimball said on :
" Masturbation is not physically necessary. There is already a way by which the male system relieves excessive spermatic fluid quite regularly through the nocturnal emission or wet dream. "

S.L.I.P -- "Sexual Sobriety Lost its Priority" - A slip is a one-time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence. Slips are significant events that call for immediate attention because they can easily lead to relapses. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

RELAPSE - A relapse is the recurrence of symptoms of a disease or to resume acting out after a period of abstinence. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

LAPSE - A lapse is somewhere confusingly in between. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety.

SOBRIETY - Sobriety is completely abstaining from acting out in one's addiction. (See Acting Out)

RECOVERY - 1. "A return to a healthy functioning state of mind, strength, or health" :
2. "A voluntarily maintained lifestyle characterized by sobriety, personal health and citizenship.” - The Betty Ford Institute
3. “Recovery from addiction is a process of change through which an individual achieves abstinence and improved health, wellness and quality of life.” - Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
4. “A process of overcoming both physical and psychological dependence on an addiction with a commitment to abstinence-based sobriety” - American Society of Addiction Medicine (Learn more about what is/isn't Recovery HERE)

*** NOTE : Recovery REQUIRES sobriety, honesty, and healthiness. If an addict is still acting out, lying, abusing, gaslighting, getting defensive, not being empathetic, etc then they are not healthy, which means they are NOT in recovery. ***

SEXUAL CONTACT - "ANY contact, in person or over an electronic device, with another person that is a sexual in nature. This includes kissing, hugging, cuddling, intercourse, oral sex, touching any part of the body, dry humping, sexting, texting, phone calls, sending /receiving pictures, chatting online, contacting old affair partners or hook up interests, etc. "

EDGING -  Arousing oneself without orgasming. Yourbrainonporn: "It's important to realize that sexual stimulation is by far the highest level of dopamine naturally produced. Dopamine is at its peak when on the verge of orgasming (edging). In the pre-Internet days, guys would usually masturbate, orgasm and be done with it - it might take 10 minutes or so. At orgasm, prolactin rises, which drops dopamine to baseline levels and inhibits its release. That normally spells some relief.
  Placing your foot on the dopamine gas, without ever hitting the brake (prolactin) results in a continuous state of cravings without satisfaction."

ADDICT MODE -  An addict in "Mr Hyde" mentality who is defensive, blaming, passive aggressive, manipulating, lying, gaslighting, or vindictive, etc. 

DRY DRUNK - An term used for an addict that stops acting out in their "drug" of choice but whose behavior is the same dysfunctional behavior as if they were acting out.
"An alcoholic who is not currently drinking alcohol but is still following an irregular undisciplined lifestyle like that of a drunkard."

WHITE KNUCKLING - Sober but still an unhealthy a-hole.

ADDICT-CENTRIC - Traditional treatment protocols have been what I call addict-centric, with partner treatment seen as necessary in support of effective treatment of the addict. The underlying belief here is that if the partner does well and can be supportive, the addict has a greater chance at success. However, the result of this well-intentioned focus on the addict, often results in:
    Neglect of the partner’s needs/ Neglect of symptoms of trauma/ Neglect of associated triggers, or reactivity, seen in survivors of severe stress or traumatic life events.
    Here are just a few examples of possible outcomes of this addict-centric approach with partners:
  - Waiting a year for disclosure, because “he is not ready” (although the partner needs the information to make informed decisions).
  - Receiving a disclosure without adequate preparation or on-going support for the partner
  - Labeling the partner as “co-addicted” simply based upon a relationship, among others.

HONESTY -    Truthful, sincere, free of deceit and fraud, unpretentious, morally correct, virtuous, candid, frank, open, forthright, ingenious, straightforward, plain speaking, matter-of-fact, upfront, aboveboard, genuine, honorable.  

ABUSE - 1. To treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way. 
**LDS Church's view on Emotional, Physical, & Sexual Abuse: "Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes injury or offense. It harms the mind and the spirit and often injures the body as well. It can cause confusion, doubt, mistrust, and fear. It is a violation of the laws of society and is in total opposition to the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abusive behavior may lead to Church discipline."
“Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others. It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt, and fear”
3. Elder James E. Faust: “Any form of physical or mental abuse to any woman is not worthy of any priesthood holder. … This, of course, means verbal as well as physical abuse”
4. Gordon B Hinckley: "We condemn most strongly abusive behavior in any form. We denounce the physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse of one’s spouse or children.
No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to hold the priesthood of God. No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to be a member in good standing in this Church. The abuse of one’s spouse and children is a most serious offense before God, and any who indulge in it may expect to be disciplined by the Church”
5. Lds .org: "The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man. All members, especially parents and leaders, are encouraged to be alert and diligent and do all they can to protect children and others against abuse and neglect. Members who have abused others are subject to Church discipline. (Learn more HERE)

ADHD, ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVE DISORDER - It's extremely common for addicts to have ADHD, and if left untreated it could make it more difficult for an addict to get into long term Sober Recovery.
Research shows 70% of addicts have ADHD. Successful treatment of ADHD can hugely improve anxiety, depression, and one's urge to want to act out in their addiction. (Learn more HERE)

TRIGGER - To cause (an event or situation) to happen or exist./ An event that precipitates other events./ To set off; initiate.

TRAUMA - A deeply distressing or disturbing experience. We've all experienced trauma at one time or another. What makes a negative event traumatizing isn't so much the life-threatening nature of the event, but rather the degree of helplessness experienced and one's history of prior trauma. If we were able to defend ourselves, our survival brain (amygdala) doesn't need to file the signals of a trauma as an ongoing warning signal. But if we couldn't avoid the oncoming car, discovery of a loved ones affair, or being robbed at gunpoint  -- the brain remembers that experience as life threatening. 

EMDR, EYE MOVEMENT DESENSITIZATION AND REPROCESSING - Treatment used for PTSD and trauma. It's a way of using both sides of the brain while recalling a traumatic event. It basically gets all the fear and gunk out of a past memory, so that when we talk or think about it later on, it doesn't bring up fear and trauma anymore. It can occasionally help someone remember a past trauma. It helped my husband remember his sexual abuse, and now he can easily talk about it.

"..During Emdr the conscious mind communicates with the subconscious mind, creating a safe environment to let go of the energy attached to stress or trauma."

It can help greatly with a victims trauma from betrayal abuse. It may also help sex addicts as well. I like this video, putting it in cartoon form always makes it easier to understand 😁

FULL DISCLOSURE - 1. The action of making secret or new information known.
2. Structured confession wherein the addict takes full responsibility for everything that he or she has done in the way of acting out sexually. Often written down and prepared with a sponsor or a therapist, then confessed to a wife.

CO-ADDICT - This label is crap and often used to describe a partner of an addict but is incorrect and outdated. It basically means the partner of addicts are also just as addicted, diseased and messed up as the addict 🙄 The reality is the majority of partners of sex addicts are NOT co-addicts and instead have trauma from betrayal abuse. See "Codependent". 

CODEPENDENT - This label is crap, incorrect, and outdated. Statistically MOST wives are NOT codependent and instead have trauma from being abused. (Learn more about Codependency HEREHERE)

INDEPENDENT - The ability to function on your own. Free from outside control; not depending on another's authority.

INTERDEPENDANT - Two independent people come together in a healthy equally giving/supporting relationship.

BOUNDARIES - Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits a person establish's to protect themselves from being harmed. The presence of boundaries also helps us express ourselves as the unique individuals we are, while we acknowledge the same in others. It is the ability to communicate that we have priorities and a dedication to protect those priorities. Ie. "I love you. I need to be safe in my marriage and in my home. For my safety, I cannot I live in a home with unfiltered/unmonitored internet access", etc. Boundaries are about what "I" need and will do. Not about what the abuser needs and will do. (How To Set Boundaries HERE)

D-DAY - Many wives refer to this as Discover Day, Disclosure Day, Destruction Day, Dooms Day, etc etc. It's the day they found out the truth and everything came crashing down. 

WOPA - Women Outing Pornography Addiction, OR, Wives Of Pornography Addicts. 

CSAT - Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist, which is created by Patrick Carnes (**FYI - CSATS are taught many victim blaming & addict centric beliefs, be careful. Read more HERE

AFFIRMATIONS - Something declared to be true; a positive statement or judgment. Positive phrases which you repeat to yourself which describe how you want to be. The theory is that when you first start saying your positive affirmations, they may not be true, but with repetition they sink into your subconscious mind, you really start to believe them, and eventually they become your reality, they become a self fulfilling prophecy and actually become true. (More about affirmations HERE)

SEXUAL ANOREXIA - "Sexual anorexia/Dysfunction is a term created by Doug Weisd used to describe a form of sexual addiction that exists at the opposite end of the continuum from hyper sexuality... While excessive and extreme sex is more easily understood as addictive, similar to an alcoholic’s excessive drinking and a food addict’s overeating, the extreme avoidance of sex can also be addictive. It is addictive because it exhibits the characteristics of addiction: compulsivity, living in the extreme, violating some of one’s personal values, being powerless to stop the behavior, and causing problems in the addict’s primary relationship. How some of these attributes of sexual anorexia work will be described further on in this discussion.
Dr. Doug Weiss posits his three criteria for the formation of anorexia:
-Sexual abuse
-Attachment disorder with the opposite sex parent
-Sex/pornography/lust addiction" - Doug Weiss website. 

Dr Doug Weiss also labels betrayed wives as sexual anorexia addicts if they don't want to have sex (even if they don't feel safe to). 😳


POLICE, POLICING - 1. Prevention and detection of crime and the maintenance of public order.
     2. Maintain order and neatness 
     3. Maintaining order, preventing and detecting crime, and enforcing the laws.
     4. Keeps order and enforces law, investigates crimes
     5. Regulation and control of the affairs of a community, especially with respect to maintenance of order, law, health, morals, safety, and other matters affecting the public welfare
     6.To observe and issue warnings or correctives regarding (Learn more HERE)

i-STATEMENTS - Dispute resolution conversation openers that can be used to communicate clearly and boldly about how we feel and how we want something to be, without putting the another person on the defensive. (Learn more HERE)

Lying by omission 
Also known as a continuing misrepresentation, a lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions. When the seller of a car declares it has been serviced regularly but does not tell that a fault was reported at the last service, the seller lies by omission. It can be compared to dissimulation.
Misleading and Dissembling:
A misleading statement is one where there is no outright lie, but still retains the purpose of getting someone to believe in an untruth. "Dissembling" likewise describes the presentation of facts in a way that is literally true, but intentionally misleading.
A half-truth is a deceptive statement that includes some element of truth. The statement might be partly true, the statement may be totally true but only part of the whole truth, or it may employ some deceptive element, such as improper punctuation, or double meaning, especially if the intent is to deceive, evade, blame or misrepresent the truth.
Minimization is the opposite of exaggeration. It is a type of deception involving denial coupled with rationalization in situations where complete denial is implausible.
Pathological lie
In psychiatry, pathological lying is a behavior of habitual lying. Pathological lying has been defined as "falsification entirely disproportionate to any discernible end in view, may be extensive and very complicated, and may manifest over a period of years or even a lifetime". The individual may be aware they are lying, or may believe they are telling the truth, being unaware that they are relating fantasies.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where false information is presented to the victim by a spouse or another primary attachment figure, causing the victim to doubt his or her perceptions, judgments, memories, and even sanity. Gaslighting is particularly effective when coupled with other tactics such as shaming, blaming and guilting. Anything that aids in getting another person to doubt their judgment and back down will work.
Big lie
A lie which attempts to trick the victim into believing something major which will likely be contradicted by some information the victim already possesses, or by their common sense. When the lie is of sufficient magnitude it may succeed, due to the victim's reluctance to believe that an untruth on such a grand scale would indeed be concocted.
Contextual lie
One can state part of the truth out of context, knowing that without complete information, it gives a false impression. Likewise, one can actually state accurate facts, yet deceive with them. To say "Yeah, that's right, I ate all the white chocolate, by myself," using sarcasm, a form of assertion by ridiculing the fact(s) implying the liar believes it to be preposterous.
Avoiding the subject that the lie is about, not giving attention to the lie. When attention is given to the subject the lie is based around, deflectors ignore or refuse to respond. Skillful deflectors are passive-aggressive people, who when confronted with subject choose to ignore and not respond. 
A dismissal lie can be one of the trickiest ones. Dismissing feelings, perceptions, raw facts of a situation as a kind of lie that can do damage to a person just as much as any other lie. Many mental disorders are linked to dismissal lies because they are dismissing their reality. When done within families, many children start out with a clear sense of reality, but then slowly start to loose their grasp due to meticulous and methodical dismissal. While some may not realize that just dismissing something can be considered a lie, if you dismiss something too often you are trying to change reality into something it is not, causing your attention to be focused elsewhere and could be hurting others as more or more than a simple white lie.

The 3 Circles Created by SAA (I do NOT recommend SAA):

INNER CIRCLE / RED LIGHT Behaviors an addict wants to refrain from in ones addiction (looking at pornography, chatting with women, masturbating, prostitutes, etc etc). 

MIDDLE CIRCLE / YELLOW LIGHT Behaviors that usually leads UP to acting out and feeds into the addiction. Yellow Light Behaviors can be dangerous and could be anything like mindlessly browsing online with no purpose (browsing pictures, funny videos, random news articles, Facebooking, pinterest, etc), being stressed without talking about it, idleness, boredom, isolation (my husband used to isolate by using video games, fantasy books, hobbies...or basically anything that took up allll his focus and left him kinda zoned out afterward instead of happy and uplifted), defensiveness, lying, watching too much sports, blaming, self loathing, not communicating true feelings etc....

OUTER CIRCLE / GREEN LIGHT Healthy behaviors like Honesty, Recovery Work, reaching out, vulnerability, self parenting, self analyzing, taking responsibility for actions and owning them etc. 

12 STEP MEETINGS - Clarification of the different types of 12 Step programs -

- ARP & PASG Addiction Recovery Program/Pornography Addiction Support Group for addicts  - 12 step Prepared by LDS Family Serv. and published by the LDS church. No official sponsor program, members find sponsor themselves. 1 yr sobriety to become facilitator.

- ARP or PAFS Pornography Addiction Family Support group: 12 Principles prepared by LDS Church. For women only. No official sponsor program. NOT 12 steps 🙌 (*these are my favorite meetings for us wives now that they have a new manual)

- 90 Day Program / ARPSupport - Founder of the 90 day program. Started by a bunch of lds addicts. NOT a part of the church. NOT created by the church. Uses the church's ARP guide. Gives men sponsors. Requires only 90 days sobriety to become a sponsor. (**not the same thing as SA's 90 meetings in 90 days, ie. "90 in 90". **I do NOT recommend) 

- SA Lifeline - 12 step Started by Rhyll & Steven Croshaws. Uses SA white book manual but incorporates God. Members find their own sponsors. Sobriety Definition (slightly different than SA's) :
“Sexual sobriety for sexaholics of our type means no sex with ourselves and no sex with any partner other than the spouse. And progressive victory over lust." & "For the power of the 12 groups they cannot access pornography or masturbate."

- SA Sexaholics Anonymous 12 Step: Uses SA White Book manual. Sobriety Definition: “No sex with ourselves and no sex with any partner other than the spouse. And progressive victory over lust."  Provides sponsors. Requires 1 yr sobriety to become a sponsor.

- SLAA Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous 12 Step: Member creates own sobriety definition: Identifies the addicts Bottom Line behaviors and defines sobriety on abstinence from those.  Provides sponsors. (**I do NOT recommend) 

- SAA Sex Addicts Anonymous 12 Step: Addict creates their own definition of sobriety (which I believe is very dangerous. For example, it means a sex addict can say buying prostituted people is a break in sobriety, but not pornography, etc) . Provides sponsors. They use "The Green Book" as a manual. (**I do NOT recommend) 

- HTC Healing Through Christ - Christ Centered 12 step manual/meetings. NO IDEA who started it (anyone know?). Not lds church affiliated. (**I do NOT recommend since they are codependency based) 

- L.I.F.E. Recovery 12 Step. Christian based. AWESOME: Uses their own manual.
Sobriety means no sex with self, no sex with anyone outside of marriage, no pornography, and no fantasy.
L.I.F.E. Recovery Definition of Sobriety for Sexual Addicts:
   -“no sex with self” primarily means masturbation but may include any activity or behaviors that are intended to induce sexual arousal (with or without the intention of producing an orgasm) without any direct assistance from another person.
   -“no sex with anyone outside of marriage” primarily means the act of coitus (or intercourse) taking place with anyone before being married, while engaged (to include the betrothed), or separated, but may include any activity in which orgasm may or may not be achieved.
   -“no pornography” primarily means media based imagery or peep shows, strip clubs or any other establishment or service that provides anything sexually visual but may include anything used to induce sexual arousal.
   -“no fantasy” means any deliberate and sustained thoughts or mental preoccupation about sex for the express purpose of becoming aroused. 
(I do NOT recommend)