Dec 19, 2014

How To Set Boundaries

What Are Boundaries?

Though I've always had certain Boundaries, I didn't know they were called "Boundaries". And I know how confusing and hair pulling it is figuring out what boundaries are and how they apply to you, so bare with me.


Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries

Boundaries are a way to protect ourselves. Imagine Boundaries as being a fence around your property. It's a way to let the good in while standing up for yourself against the bad. 

Boundaries are also about YOUR safety and well being (and childrens as well), not about demanding anyone else to do something. You can't demand or force your husband to leave, be nice, go to counseling, read books, be honest, etc etc. You can ASK him to leave, but that doesn't mean he will leave every time he is acting out, abusive or mistreating you. However, you CAN leave in whatever way is possible for you to (ie. Go gray rock, walk away, sleep somewhere else, separation, etc). 

Why are Boundaries so Important?

What are Personal Bill of Rights?

Personal Bill of Rights 

You may have occasionally heard the term "Bill of Rights". Personal Bill of Rights are statements that we declare to ourselves to help empower us, encourage us, and stand up for ourselves. A few examples are:

- I have a right to safety in my home. 
- I have a right to say yes or no to sex, no matter what. Period.
- I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings or problems.
- I have a right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
- I have a right to expect honesty from others.
- I have a right to all of my feelings.
- I have a right to be angry at someone I love, and love someone I’m angry at.

Nov 26, 2014

What Are Slip, Lapses and Relapses & What Do They All Have In Common?

They all include Acting Out in one's addiction, and require a restart in sobriety AND Recovery dates. Let’s look at some definitions.

Acting Out - Intentionally seeking out any erotic and sensual stimulus, even if "accidental" at first. DEFINITE lines of acting out: Masturbation, Pornography, Infidelity, Emotional infidelity, Inappropriate relationships with opposite sex, Chatting, Flirting, Sex ad browsing, Forcing anyone to have sex (yes, even if it’s your own wife), & Massage brothels.

PornographyAny material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. This includes scantily dressed women in bikinis, lingerie or revealing clothes, scantily dressed woman in comics, cartoons, or art, erotic books, risky material in movies, TV shows, phone apps, or games.

LDS .org Church Definition of Pornography - 
  "Pornography is any visual or written medium created with the intent to sexually stimulate. If the work was not intended to stimulate but nevertheless causes sexual arousal in an individual, it constitutes pornography for that person."
  "Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."

Are there differences between slip, lapse, & relapse? Yes. Technically. 

S.L.I.P -- "Sexual Sobriety Lost its Priority" - A slip is a one-time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence. Slips are significant events that call for immediate attention. But how can one know it will truly be the LAST time they will ever act out? For all an addict knows, they could act out again in a few days, few months, or next year etc. And if one-time-slips continue to occur, would each one still be considered a "ONE time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence"?

Relapse - A relapse is the recurrence of symptoms of a disease or to resume addictive behavior after a period of abstinence.

Lapse - A lapse is somewhere confusingly in between.

Nov 10, 2014

To Filter or Not Part 2 : Is Computer Monitoring For Safety or Control?

Would you be ok with a loved one to shoot up heroin in your home? Would you be ok with a loved storing heroin filled needles within easy reach of your children in various places like the cupboard, bedroom, family room, or on the counter next to your phones, and then turn around and say,  "I can't control my him, there's nothing I can do" OR, "It makes me feel too crazy to stop it coming in" OR, "He's going to find a way to shoot it up if he wants to anyway" OR, "I'm his wife, not his mother", OR "He should be the one to choose to get rid of the heroin for himself" OR, "His recovery is his recovery" ....?? -------  I'm curious if anyone would say these types these things if it were actual HEROIN?

Oct 2, 2014

Latter Day Saint: Helpful Consequences, Repentance and the Process of Becoming Worthy

Are Consequences and Repentance Required for Worthiness?

 LDS Mormon Quotes

Repentance from pornography required for worthiness

Why Are Consequences Helpful? 

If Alma the younger never felt the pains of hell, and was racked with the eternal torment in remembrance of all his sins, do you think he would have had such a great change of heart? Would he have understood all that he had done wrong? I myself never would have gotten sober without going through the pains of hell.

Many times bishops, leaders and loved ones unknowingly enable an addicts addiction which can cause them to believe their trangression wasnt serious ---ie. "I can look at pornography and still go to the temple and take sacrament? Oh, what I did must not be that bad". Leaders and loved ones may think they are helping by encouraging the addict to continue going to the temple or taking the sacrament despite a recent relapse, slip, or discovery of ones sexual sins, but instead they may be unknowingly hurting them. Remember consequences are for our benefit. They are good and can help bring about lasting change.

What Can Church Leaders Do to Help?

"The bishop represents the Lord in extending forgiveness for the Church. At times he must administer bitter medicine. Alma told Corianton, “Now, repentance could not come unto men except there were a punishment” (Alma 42:16). I would not want to live in a world where there was no repentance, and if punishment is a condition of that, I will willingly accept that. There is the idea abroad that one can send a postcard of prayer and receive in return full forgiveness and be ready at once for a mission or for marriage in the temple. Not so. There are payments to be made. If a bishop offers comfort only and, in misguided kindness, seeks to relieve you of the painful but healing process in connection with repentance, he will not serve you well."

Latter Day Saint: Can Someone View Pornography and Still Attend the Temple Worthily??

Pornography and the Law of Chastity

 LDS Mormon Quotes


pornography and temple worthiness

What is Pornography?

Definition of Pornography :
"Pornography is any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. It is distributed through many media,including magazines, books, television, movies, music, and the Internet. It is as harmful to the spirit as tobacco, alcohol, and drugs are to the body. Using pornographic material in any way is a violation of a commandment of God: “Thou shalt not … commit adultery … nor do anything like unto it”"
"Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."

What is Worthiness?

"Personal worthiness is an essential requirement to enjoy the blessings of the temple. Anyone foolish enough to enter the temple unworthily will receive condemnation."
Richard G Scott, LDS. org

Aug 25, 2014

What We All Wish Church Leaders Knew About Wives of Porn Addicts:

What Do Wives Of Sex Addicts Wish Everyone Knew? 

1. We are devastated.  
2. We did not cause this and we cannot cure it.
3. We may feel that if we were prettier, smarter, or more “something,” they would not have this problem. This is not true. In almost all cases, they were addicted before they ever met us.
4. We need to know about our husbands’ actions so that we don’t blame ourselves for whatever feels wrong in our marriages. 
5. We also need to know of our husbands’ actions to help protect ourselves, our children, and our homes. Keeping someone in a relationship under false pretenses represents exploitation.
6.We have done nothing to bring this situation into our lives.  It feels so unfair that we have no choice but to deal with it.
7. We are baffled that we ended up here. We have tried to do all the things that we thought would bring us our happy eternal marriage.  This is the last thing we expected.  We may feel cheated and angry with God.
8. We feel really ashamed.  We feel embarrassed that we married someone with this problem, or that we didn’t see it sooner. We feel our husbands have made us into a phony, a fake, and a liar.
9. Extreme emotions are normal in our circumstances.  We should not be shamed for feeling them.
10. We may need help remembering that we have worth as individuals, no matter the outcome of our marriages or future choices of our husbands.
11. We feel alone. We feel like no one else has this problem. Isolation compounds our pain.
12. We need support
13. We have experienced major trauma and injuries from our husbands lies, cheating, and abuse.  This trauma is not an indicator that we are weak or not using the Atonement.
* 99% of sex addicts in relationships are abusive as well. This is an abuse issue. 
* Polygraphs can be crucial to finding out the truth for our safety. 
*It is hard for us to reach out for support.
*Other women who have been in our shoes can provide vital support.
*We may need ongoing support from our bishops.  It may be hard for us to ask for this ongoing support.  A little bit of reaching out and following up from our bishops may go a long way in helping us not feel overlooked or forgotten.
*We need to know what resources are available to help us.  A bishop who is familiar with this problem and what these resources are could help us feel better sooner.
*We may want and need increased access to Priesthood blessings.  Our husbands may not be worthy to give those blessings, and even if they are, they might not be the ones we want to ask to give them to us.  It may be valuable to have our bishops help us identify who we can ask when we need this particular type of help.
*Our bishops may be the first people we reach out to after discovering our husbands’ addictions.  It may be hard for us to trust Priesthood holders since our husbands have held the Priesthood in our homes but still chose to lie, cheat, and abuse.  If we feel invalidated by our bishops, it will be so much harder for us to reach out for further support.
*We sometimes feel invalidated when it seems that the Church does not hold our husbands accountable for their actions.
*More sex is not the answer. Our husbands do not act out with pornography and masturbation because we give them too little sex; they will not stop acting out with pornography and masturbation if we give them more sex. If we are encouraged to “not withhold sex” we will feel like we are being told that our feelings are not as important as our husbands’ feelings.  Our need for exclusivity trumps their “need” for sex.  Men are expected to remain abstinent until marriage, which implies it is possible for men to survive without sex.  Our having sex with them does not help them to recover.
*We are in no position to be asked to give our husbands support.  If anything, we need their support for us as we come to terms with what they have done.
*The best way for us to help our husbands is to hold them accountable.  Being asked to “forgive and forget” too early will hurt us both.
*Letting our husbands off the hook too easily usually decreases the urgency they feel about getting help.
*We need to set some boundaries for ourselves with our husbands to protect ourselves from ongoing harm.
*The best support we can give to our husbands is a healthy wife.  We need to do what it takes to find our way back to our own personal health.
*If our husbands have been caught instead of voluntarily disclosing, they may not actually have any desire to get better, no matter what impression they may give a bishop when discussing addiction.
*If we are asked to make changes to help our husbands overcome their problems, and they don’t change, then we feel like we didn’t try hard enough or lacked faith.  It may increase our shame.  Only our husbands are responsible for their own behavior.
*Most addicts lie or minimize when asked about their addictions.  We and their bishops are not likely to have heard the entire story from our husbands.
*Many of our husbands will continue to act out and to lie to us (and to their bishops) after their initial meetings with their bishops.  It may not be appropriate to encourage us to trust them yet, because they likely will not be trustworthy yet.
*Our husbands are incapable of giving up their addictions if they keep them a secret.
*Our husbands’ lies have harmed us at least as much as the actual betrayal. Sometimes even more. 
*Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or trusting them. Trust and forgiveness are not the same thing. Forgiveness is a benefit for us; trust is a benefit for our husbands.  Trust needs to be earned once it has been lost.  
*We will not get over it quickly.  We would if we could, but it will take time and effort to find our way back to emotional health.
*We need help regardless of our husbands’ desire for help.
*We will not automatically get better when our husbands stop acting out. Our progress may actually lag behind theirs.  The history of deception keeps us from being able to trust that we are now safe, even if they say that they have not relapsed in a long time. Some therapists believe it takes 2 or MORE years for the wife to recover after her husband gets sober and in recovery.
*Our husbands have not been good husbands. They have been selfish and lacking in empathy. Addiction results in other bad behaviors that have been harming us.
*Our husbands’ actions in no way decrease our own worthiness.
*Our husbands have most likely been trying for years to overcome their addictions by fasting, praying, reading the scriptures and attending the temple.  These are vital components in their repentance and in building their spirituality.  However, in most cases our husbands need more help than this to get into Recovery from addiction.  They often need knowledgeable counselors who specialize in abusers (and are anti pornography).
*We most likely need outside help to heal, just like our husbands do. Knowledgeable counselors who specialize in victims of abuse, and finding support group with other victims, can help us tremendously.
*Even addicts dedicated to the recovery process tend to relapse several times before achieving lengthy sobriety. But relapsing is still very serious, is not a part of the recovery process, and is NEVER OK.
*We would like our bishops to not assume they know everything they need to know on this topic. Be open to good information. Do not be afraid to admit what you don't know. Please ask us what you can do to help us.
*We should not simply replace all negative thoughts with positive ones. That shows denial of the impact this problem has in our lives.  In order to heal from these difficult wounds, we need to allow ourselves to grieve and feel our emotions.
*Many marriages that fail from this problem actually fail because of the continued lying more than the continued acting out.
*Our husbands' dedication to complete transparency in our marriage will help us to feel that we know everything we need to know. This transparency may include ongoing access to all email, social media, bank accounts, cell phones, computers and electronic devices. Transparency may also include an agreement on future disclosures.
*Despite our best efforts, our marriages may not survive.
*Our husbands abusive choices have caused us to doubt ourselves, our own intuition and the guidance we are receiving from the Lord.  
*We need you to support us as we seek for our own answers from God and make our own choices going forward.

Aug 15, 2014

Warning Signs That Your Partner Might Be A Sex Addict

Is He Secretly Viewing Pornography? Is He Secretly Having Affairs? Check Out These Warning Signs: 

Warning Signs Of Approaching Relapse

Warning signs of relapse

Do you suspect your spouse may have relapsed or is heading towards a relapse? Here are a few common warning signs:

1. Engaged in the Addiction Cycle. For more info go here >> (link)
2. Slowly reverting back to old behaviors
3. Lying, silly lies no matter how small, minimizing, or omitting truth
4. Defensiveness, irritability, mood swings, defiance, blaming or anger outbursts
5. Passive Aggressive behavior!!
6. Lack of communication and full transparency, even if THEY think they're communicating and being transparent. Ex. Saying "I'm good", or saying they are frustrated, upset, or triggered but not explaining WHY they feel that way---and then turning around and saying "What do you mean, I am communicating, I told you I was upset", etc.
7. Selective Forgetfulness. Forgetting things they once knew a day, week, month, or year ago. Ex.  Previously having a great conversation about honesty & recovery and feeling like they finally "get it", only to later then have them act confused as if they forgot and have never heard it, or play stupid,  "What? I know I am supposed to disclose when I relapse, I just didn't know you wanted to know right away and how many times." etc etc ...(like seriously? didn't think id want to know even tho I've told you a million times? ) ;)
8. Increased mistakes/ Not being able to follow simple directions/ Lack of common sense. L Ie. Always being late, not helping around the house or with the kids, never getting the right things at the grocery store despite having a list, becoming careless, unmotivated, apathetic, etc
9. Self loathing and shame spiral as a way to manipulate and make you feel sorry for them. The "I can never do anything right" mentality.
10. They are emotionally disconnected. It's hard to find attachment with them. They are there but not really "there".
11. They blame, redirect, become defensive, become sleepy or get the confused "deer in headlights" stare when you try to talk to them.
12. Becoming overly stressed for whatever reason and not handling it in healthy ways (reaching out etc)
14. Lack of empathy / Becomes oblivious and clueless to the fact you are hurting and how to help you.
15. Slowly isolating or spending more time doing mind numbing behaviors and unimportant things while online. Ie. Browsing movie trailers, news stories, games, etc "yellow light" behavior.
16. Getting wrapped up in secondary addictions like work, gaming or food
17. Using a wife's safety Boundaries as their own, out of spite. "Oh ya, well I have a right to leave when you get upset TOO"
18. Slowly missing meetings and/or counseling appts. Slacking on recovery work, and becoming frustrated or resentful of recovery work. Thinking they don't NEED to do as much recovery work. Ie. "How much of this do I REALLY need to keep on doing? Come on, it's been a few months, I feel better. Can't I stop?"
19. Neglecting their self-care. Self-care is critical to maintaining recovery (and sanity).
20. Slacking on scriptures & praying
21. Becoming emotionally needy, insecure, Ex. Never wanting you to leave, getting jealous when you hang out with friends or do your own self care, needing constant validation that you love them, etc
22. Self-Delusional: They twist things to make themselves right ie. "I quit going to therapy without talking to you about it as a way to help you. You have been stressed lately and I wanted to be home for you" etc.
23. Complaining about not getting enough sex or having everything revolve around sex again.
24. Not being interested in sex or not being interested in intimacy and connection with OR without sex.

MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! : LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. If you feel something is not right, 99.9% you're most likely right. A good thing to ask yourself is "What do they spend their time on?". Being in recovery is about sobriety and continually improving QUALITY of life and the quality of one’s soul. If your spouse is spending more time on things that isn't helping them be a better person, edifying themselves, or improving their quality of life....then which direction are they going? Forward or backward?

Jul 31, 2014

LDS Mormon View On Masturbation

"Masturbation is sex with self. Sex with self is sex with someone other than your husband or wife to whom you are legally and lawfully married.Therefore, masturbation is a violation of temple covenants."
- LDS author Andrew Pippanne, creator of the website

According to the LDS church, one cannot masturbate and still enter the temple worthily. Just because an unlearned bishop, ward member, friend, sex therapist etc. doesn't specifically "ask" it in a temple interview, gives permission, or says it's natural and OK, etc., it doesn't mean the LDS church says it's ok. Before we go into everything the LDS church says about masturbation, lets first break down what "Being Worthy" actually means, according to the LDS church.

May 7, 2014

Understand Me

Understand Me

My Addiction vs. Betrayal Trauma

No amount of words can fully express to anyone the pure hell I went through when the drugs wore off. Physical pain. Emotional pain. It was unbearable and I was terrified. An hour into the withdrawals my body started to sweat and shake. It felt like I had the worst flu of my life, but x1000.

And then the real pain started.

Apr 14, 2014

To Filter or Not??

My psychologist once helped me out in this one. I am pro filter. But filters really DON'T 100% (more like 50%) work. They never worked for my hubby. They were kinda a joke.

I'm pro monitoring, password protecting, AND filtering all together. (see more here)

Mar 17, 2014

Is There Relapse in Recovery?

OH MY GOODNESS the big question! 

What does being in Recovery REALLY mean? Can someone be in recovery and continue to slip/relapse as long as they keep trying? Or do you have to have sobriety first in order to get IN to recovery? 

Everyone seems to have their own definitions of what recovery is, and being 7 years sober myself, I decided to do a little more research and get to the nitty gritty of what it means to be IN Recovery. (Definitions of slip, relapse, acting out, and sobriety HERE)

According to The Betty Ford Institute defines recovery as "a voluntarily maintained lifestyle characterized by sobriety, personal health and citizenship.”

In 2005, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) offered the following Working Definition of Recovery: “Recovery from addiction is a process of change through which an individual achieves abstinence and improved health, wellness and quality of life.”

American Society of Addiction Medicine's describes recovery as “a process of overcoming both physical and psychological dependence on an addiction with a commitment to abstinence-based sobriety”

I believe defining Recovery in the addiction world is extremely important. Some believe being in recovery to mean “any sign of progress” or “someone who is trying to stop” but that leaves such a huge wide range definition that just about anyone could stand up and claim Recovery. If there are no boundaries and definitions on the term Recovery, then the importance of that meaning seems to lose its value. Especially for all the people who ARE sober AND in Recovery. 

Feb 25, 2014

When does snooping become wrong??

When does snooping become wrong? Where does the line get drawn between obsessively snooping or just trying to protect ourselves?

This is something that has been on my mind lately that I am seeking to gain more clarity on. Ive been reading a lot of articles, book, and blogs of other spouses of sex addicts, and when the spouse of the sex addict is trying to recover, heal and is going to counseling and 12 step meetings, I keep coming across a similar theme:

Snooping on your addict husband is BAD BAD BAD!!!

Feb 1, 2014

Latter Day Saint: Addiction, Agency, & Freedom

Do addicts have a choice? Or do they lose all agency and responsibility? Here's my personal thoughts.

You've often heard the phrase "He lost his agency", and the word agency is frequently used interchangeably to describe what we gave up and lost after son....but can someone technically lose their God given agency here in this earth?

This is where freedom comes in.

I believe it is our choice to USE our agency submit our freedom to sin.

In terms of addiction, if I take a sip of alcohol, 9.9 times out of 10 I will continue drinking more. Did I give away my agency for the drink? Technically no. Did I give up my freedom? Yes. If I give up freedom am I any less responsible for my decision? No.

Why? Because it was my choice to entertain the thought of drinking.