Sunday, July 3, 2016

Questions To Ask Your Husband

If you just found out about your husbands addiction and are going through the full disclosure, these questions may be helpful to ask.

ATTENTION***  Before you start asking questions, make sure your husband understands the definition of what you are asking. Don't EVER assume an addict fully understands what your saying. Ie. DON'T assume his definition of pornography, masturbation, cheating, lust etc are the same as YOUR definition of pornography, masturbation, cheating, lust etc.

I'm serious. I can't stress this enough. No matter how obvious it seems, no matter how much you think "Surely everyone gets it", be very specific, direct and simple with your wording. Ask as though your talking to a child where even the smallest details have to be explained.
These definitions may help:
Definitions of Common Addiction Related Terms

I suggest to ask all these questions below whether you think he's capable of doing them or not. You can't be too careful. Ask them calmly, and very straightforward, but CALM. No showing approval or disapproval yet. This is about just logging information for now. Like a lawyer or policeman. Its simply getting information before making assumptions or a verdict.

**Trigger Warning**  I'm sorry, these questions I'm providing may be triggering.

When was the last time you have masturbated?

When was the last time you have seen pornography intentionally?

When was the last time you have seen pornography unintentionally?

Do you have any emails I am not aware of? Please list all emails you have ever had, including work emails.

Have you ever used a fake name, nickname or middle name while online?

Do you have any online profiles or accounts I do not know of? Ie. Facebook, Instagram, imgur, pinterest, Amazon, Netflix, social profiles, dating websites, gaming websites, or anything like it? Etc

Do you have any devices that can connect to the internet that I might not be aware of? 

Have you ever bought an extra phone, tablet, laptop etc that I might not be aware of?

Which internet devices have you EVER used to act out? This includes phones, computers, OLD phones or computers, lap tops, tablets/ipads, Television, ipods/mp3 players, gaming consoles (xbox, playstation, wii etc etc)

What KIND/genre of pornography have you seen? (ask very very specifically). IE. Teenage, Asian, Any type of Anime, Cartoon, etc. 

Have you ever intentionally seen child pornography with children 0-11? Have you ever seen child pornography with children 12-16? How many times? Etc.

Have you ever UN-intentionally seen child pornography with children 0-11? Have you ever seen child pornography with children 12-16? How many times? 

Have you viewed gay pornography? Was it with men or woman or both?

Have you ever seen rape pornography or pornography that involved hurting anyone?

Have you ever seen fetish pornography like date rape, feet, underwear, breastfeeding, urinating, voyourism (spying, peep hole) etc etc?
What about..
Sex games?
Erotic stories?

Have you seen bestiality pornography?

Have you seen incest pornography (mother and son, father and son? siblings etc) ?

Have you ever watched me or ANYONE else undress, bathe, shower, or during intimate relations, etc. without their knowledge? (Voyeurism, peeping Tom, spying)

Have you ever video taped and/or taken photos of me or anyone in ANY setting, without their knowledge?

Has anyone besides me ever touched your penis sexually? Including even if it wasn't direct skin to skin contact?

Have you ever touched/rubbed anyone (besides me) sexually even if it wasn't skin to skin contact?

Have you ever intentionality touched my bum, breasts, or vagina sexually while I slept and had no knowledge of it?

Have you ever had a professional body massage? What place did you go to ? (Then later look up if the place is legit or if its actually a prostitution brothel)

Did you ever curiously "play" games regarding genitals with any friends or siblings as a child?

Has any male or female seen you masturbate or sexually touch yourself in person or through web cam or by photo?

Have you ever watched anyone do anything sexual in person or through web cam?

Have you ever used a phone, tablet, watch or computer app to act out? App with a internet search, app with racy stock photos, app with racy ring tones etc. Etc. List all apps that have accessed pornography or have ever been used to act out in ANY way :

Have you ever read or listened to any sexual or non sexual books, comics or visual material to get aroused from it, even if unintentional at first? (erotica, audio books, podcasts, radio stations)

Do you download torrents ? If so, what kind, from which sites, and onto what devices?

What is your view of women's UFC fighting?

Have you ever acted out in any way at work?

Have you ever gotten in trouble at work for any of your sexual behaviors? 

Have you ever been arrested for any reason? 

Have you ever acted out in any way in your car?

Have you ever acted out with any children close by? (Even if they didn't see anything, were in the next room, or were sleeping etc)

Have any kids accidentally walked in on you masturbating or watching pornography?
   - Did they see what you were doing?

Have you ever had private conversations (sexual or non sexual) or texted, chatted, or emailed ANY women/girls I do not personally know, besides _____, even if the convo only lasted a few hours or few replies? This includes co-workers, church members, anyone online, anyone on games, women from the gym, etc.

Have you ever had any private conversations with anyone I DO know, sexual or non sexual that I am unaware of? Friends? Sisters? Cousins? Church members? Etc

Have you ever sent pictures of yourself to another woman (or man)?

Have you ever sexually harassed anyone? Have you ever been in trouble for sexual harassment? 

Now that you've completed these questions, just to be clear, what is your personal definition of pornography & masturbation?


  1. I believe in disclosure and its importance. However, I think this kind of conversation would best be had after seeking professional support. I worry greatly about women trying to navigate this kind of conversation alone without help for trauma, without guidance and about the right timing. I also worry about women not having a witness to the conversation(s). Addicts in addict mode tend to lie, twist truths, go back on what they have said, etc.

    Also, I think it's important to stress that even with sobriety from sexual acting out behaviors, a man could still be not recovered from the addiction. Again, disclosure is essential, but not all addicts will escalate to these kinds of behaviors, and true recovery (as you know) is about more than just sobriety.

    I just hope that women who are just finding out will not try to engage this process alone. Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and women deserve to have help through this process. And addicts really need help, too so that they don't dig deeper into their addict reactions when asked these kinds of questions...which reactions just add to the trauma of a wife.

    1. I agree. If I could have everything "my way"😁, I WOULD want everyone to do disclosure with a competent well knowledged therapist.

      But sadly finding a therapist who is knowledgeable enough to help with all the things you mentioned is harder to find than it sounds.

      Me and many other wives have had therapists tell our husbands not to tell us details (details, not gory details) and have also had therapists try to convince us we don't NEED details "Because it will increase our trauma and only be too triggering to the addict". Ive had friends who've had therapists who knew their husbands relapsed, had legal permission to share it, and still choose to withhold this info from them during therapy/disclosure. I even have a friend who's therapist made her husband tell her TOO MANY GORY details she did NOT ask for, like the color of the womens hair in the porno, the color of her nipples, the positions he liked to watch etc (I don't even consider that truth OR full disclosure, that's just plain ol' divulging into fantasy 😨😱😱😱😱) Etc etc.

      I could keep going on and on with reasons, but bottom line me and many wives would have never received a full disclosure (or received too much😱) if it were only done through the therapist we were seeing at the time, and instead had to take matters into our own hands to learn the truth we WANTED to know.

      Every wife has a right to disclosure with or without a therapist. YES, having a good knowledgeable therapist assist with the process is ideal and really is the BEST option!! I encourage itπŸ’–! But since great knowledgeable therapists are extremely hard to find, wives should still be able to have the choice, and access to the info, to ask whatever questions they want.

      Us wives aren't as fragile as we may seem, despite the trauma and our whole worlds becoming unglued. Yes, we are highly emotional and all over the place (as we should be, and that's OK), but we can handle more than people think we can.

      Truth is not the enemy. Pain is not even the enemy either. The danger and the enemy are the lies and "staying in the dark".

      Thank you for commenting! Ha to be honest I've had a response in my mind for 2 months now but have finally gotten around to writing it down haha 😘

  2. I just wanted to respond from my own personal experience. I have been on this Journey of Healing for the past 12 years. When we did our full disclosure my husband lied and left out so much. He continued to dribble his sexual sin over the course of the next 6 years with repeated relapses which only caused my Trauma to begin worse. Every woman needs to know what she wants to know and what she doesn't! This is a very personal journey. For me I "thought" I wanted to know every detail and boy did I get them. I wish now I had not asked for so many details because once those words are spoken the images stay in your mind and only serve to torment you. I agree every wife deserves to know the Truth, but some of the questions on this list I feel from experience are very dangerous to ask. I would tell each wife just be sure what you really want to know. I could have done with knowing my husband went to Massage Parlors without all the gory details that wounded me so much worse. These questions might be right for some women but I don't believe they are acceptable for "Every wife." I do agree with you that addicts are experts in deception so they will try and wiggle their way out of telling the Truth. But knowing the Truth and knowing harmful details are two different things. You said that knowledgeable therapist were hard to find, I disagree with you unless you live way out in the middle of no where. CSAT counselors have become more and more established all over the United States. You might have to drive a ways to meet with them but it is worth the drive to find a therapist versed in Sexual Addiction and Betrayal Trauma. I thank you for your advise that disclosure needs to be tended to carefully and very wisely as I stated before lying and deception is a huge part of Sexual Sin. My prayers to all my sisters who are on this Journey of Healing from Betrayal.