Jun 17, 2016

Do You Attract Abusers?

Is There Something Wrong With You That Attracts Abusers? 

No, you aren't an abuser magnet. There's nothing inherently wrong with you that makes men abuse you. 

If statistics show that 90-99% of men regularly look at pornography (and those are only the ones who admit it), and it's impossible to be a good man while choosing to sexualize, objectify, and dehumanize women, and fuel the demand of trafficking every time he watches women be raped in pornography (since most women in porn are trafficked), then you could be the healthiest person in the world and guess what? The odds of finding a good man are still against you. 

If healthy people attracted ONLY healthy people then that would imply that all betrayed victims of sex addict abusers are somehow UNhealthy. And if healthy only attracted healthy, how is it that some therapists marry sex addict abusers despite therapists being the "teachers of emotional health"? How is it that some of the smartest healthiest people I know have husbands that are sex addict abusers? AND why have I met a few UN-healthy women who do NOT have sex addict abusive husbands?? Why did they get the luck of the draw?? How does that make sense?

The truth is every single person in the world has problems they need to work through. Everyone. But a person's problems do not cause an abuser to lie, cheat, and abuse them. 

Are victims often very loving trusting people who have big empathetic hearts and a fantastic ability to connect? Yes. These are healthy qualities, they are NEVER bad qualities

But is it moreso than non-abused women? 


Do abusers exploit people's good qualities? Yes. But does that mean having loving and trusting qualities are somehow now bad because ANOTHER person used their agency to abuse and exploit a person's good qualities to hide their disgusting choices for their own selfish gain?


However, after a woman is exploited by her partners selfish choice to lie, cheat, and abuse, does that mean she has zero need to educate herself, setup safety boundaries, continue to resist abuse, or do whatever she can to keep herself safe?


Think of it this way...

If a woman walking home from work was attacked and raped, is it her fault? Did she somehow "ask for it" because she chose to walk home? Was there something inherently wrong with her that somehow attracted the perpetrator?

No, she was simply wanting to walk home.

But does that mean she is a perfect flawless person and has no issues of her own to work on? (Again, we all have issues.) But her issues had nothing to do with a man choosing to rape her. However, does that mean she can't LEARN from the attack? Does it mean she can't learn that it wasn't her fault and become a stronger person because of it? Of course not!

Although.......what if she was wearing a revealing tank top and a mini skirt? Or, what if she was flirting with the man and then he attacked and raped her?? Or, what if she has a family history of abuse and rape? Would any of that cause her to be raped just because a man made the choice to abuse her? 

Still NO.

I am so sad by what our societys' victim blaming labels and attitudes have done to harm victims. It's indoctrinated therapists, coaches, advocates, judges, police, church leaders, etc. to believe that if a woman (unknowingly) partners with a sex addict abuser then it is because there's something inherently wrong with her, or she somehow subconciously sought out an abuser because of her childhood trauma, or because she's a masochist who "wanted" to be abuse (Which indicates she has partly at fault and responsible). It's wrong.

JUST like it was wrong when people back in the day used to believe it was a woman's fault for being raped. Or, JUST like it was wrong back in the day when therapists believed that when a child said they were sexually abused they were making it up because they have "needy/attention seeking mental issues". (Yes, therapists used to believe that!).


No one "wants" to be lied to, cheated on, or abused. NO ONE. Victims do NOT "ask" for this. They didn't somehow contribute to the abuse nor subconsciously seek it out. No one wakes up one day and thinks "You know what? I feel like dating an abuser who will make me feel like shit, make me question my reality, and cause me more pain than I could ever imagine. Yea, that sounds fun! πŸ˜„πŸ‘“... πŸ™„. No matter how many personal problems a victim my have (since everyone in the world has problems), VICTIMS DID NOT CAUSE OR ALLOW THEMSELVES TO BE ABUSED. 

Fact: If the majority of victims married non-abusive good men (who didn't choose to lie about who they really were), then they would have normal happy marriages with NORMAL ups and downs. It'd be far from perfect, and they'd still be flawed humans, but those issues wouldn't be preventing them from having a NORMAL happy marriage with normal bumps. 

Again, the only reason a victim partnered with an abuser is because there's not enough good men to go around and because THE ABUSER LIED. Had the abuser been honest and said on the first date "Hey bi***, I'm going to lie to you, cheat on you, abuse you, and make you feel the worst pain. Want to go on another date?", it's a GUARANTEE she wouldn't have gone on a 2nd date. 

I know in my case I did everything I could to prevent marrying another addict abuser. Before marriage, I had my husband screened by an expert forensic psychologist, and I asked my husband every question you can think of about his childhood dynamic, when he was exposed to pornography, how often he watched all throughout his life, etc. I even asked his own sister to give me dirt on him. I did everything humanly possible, short of a polygraph (and I would have had I known that was an option back then). He passed all of it with flying colors. 

2 years later I found out was watching pornography and lying. 

Sadly, sometimes there's nothing we can do to prevent partnering with a sex addict abuser. They are excellent liars. They can fool therapists, friends, church leaders, police, judges, Dr's, etc (or maybe they are all unhealthy "abuser magnets" too, eh? Or maybe just "codependent" and addicted to abusers😜). Not even our gut intuitions can warn us a 100% of the time about dangerous people. Why? Because we aren't human lie detectors, nor were we meant to be. That doesn't mean you can't educate yourself and learn and grow, it just means that if an abuser chooses to lie about who they are, it's NOT your fault. 

YOU ARE NOT ABUSER MAGNET. There's nothing inherently wrong with you that caused you to be abused. The odds are against ALL women, plain and simple.