Friday, June 17, 2016

Is There Something Wrong With Me That Attracts Sex Addicts?

Is There Something Wrong With You That Attracts Addicts? 

I used to believe so. And yes, this may or may not be possible with a small few.

BUT hear me out.

If statistics say 70-80% of men are looking at porn now days (and those are only the ones who admit it)........

... Then you could be the most healthy person in the world and guess what? The odds are still against you. :(

If healthy people attracted ONLY healthy people then that would imply that all wives of sex addicts are somehow UNhealthy. And if healthy only attracted healthy.... how is it that some therapists marry sex addicts? Therapists are the "teachers of emotional health". How is it that some of the strongest spiritual people I know have husbands that are sex addicts? Or some of the smartest most successful women I know?? AND why have I met a few UN-healthy women who do NOT have sex addict husbands?? Why did they get the luck of the draw?? How does that make sense?

So this is what I've learned and is my conclusion:

Every single person in the world has problems they need to work through. Everyone has different trials.


That's the point of this life: TO LEARN. To use the atonement. To turn to God when we struggle. Become like God. Learn what He knows. "To give thee experience....And it will be for thy good"...etc etc.

 Yes, it's a possibility there are people who are attracted to dysfunction and ONLY date dysfunctional people because they want dysfunction (at least that's how it looks on the outside). I have yet to meet someone who ACTUALLY (and I mean really) fits in this category, but I'm sure those people exist.

Honestly, I think MOST of the time with us wives it's just the luck of the draw, OR, it's simply the addicts who sought US out.

But why would they seek out us?

Most of us wives are very loving trusting people. We LOVE to love. And we naturally LOVE to help. We have big hearts. These are gifts from God and are Godly attributes.

Our husbands genuinely wanted a spouse with those qualities for good reasons too. Most of our husbands aren't heartless and they do love us the best they know how with what they think love is, but addiction is a virus that creeps up and sabotages everything in its path. And addiction EXPLOITS a person's good qualities because addiction NEEDS people who will be trusting, believing and enabling for it to thrive.

I know this because I exploited people when I was active in my addiction for my own selfish gain. I needed people who were trusting in order to keep doing what I wanted.

But was that their fault??

Does that mean having loving and trusting qualities are somehow now bad because ANOTHER person used their agency to exploit it to hide their addiction for their own gain?


After a wife is exploited by her husbands selfish addiction and was lied to, does that mean she has zero need to educate herself, setup safety boundaries, or improve herself?


Think of it this way...

If a woman walking home from work was attacked and raped, is it her fault? Did she somehow "ask for it" because she chose to walk home? Was there something inherently wrong with her that somehow attracted the perpetrator?

No, right? She was simply wanting to walk home.

But does that mean she is a perfect flawless person and has no issues of her own to work on? Again, we all have issues. Does that mean she can't LEARN from a bad experience that wasn't her fault and become a stronger because of it? Of course not!

Although.......what if she was wearing a revealing tank top and a mini skirt? Or heck, what if she was flirting with the man and then he attacked and raped her?? Would that now be her fault another man chose to violate her without her consent?

Still NO.

I am so sad by what this dangerous misconception has subtly done (largely due to blame culture and the incorrect outdated codependency model applied to wives of sex addicts) to wives. It's convinced therapists, church leaders, 12 step meetings etc to somehow believe that if your husband is a sex addict then it is because YOU must have somehow subconciously sought them out because of YOUR own faulty issues that must be fixed (therefore implying its somehow your fault or you must have wanted it). It's wrong.

JUST like it was wrong when people back in the day used to believe it was a woman's fault for being raped. Or JUST like it was wrong back in the day when therapists believed that when a child said they were sexually abused they were making it up because they have "needy/attention seeking mental issues". (Yes, therapists used to believe that!).

Its WRONG. God would never think this way.

None of us****** NONE OF US****** did anything to "ask" or deserve to be exploited and lied to. None of us. No matter how many problems we have, WE DIDN'T WANT THIS AND WE DON'T DESERVE IT.

I believe with all my heart that if the majority of us married men who were NOT addicts then we would have normal happy marriages with NORMAL ups and downs. We'd be far from perfect, and we'd still be working on our personal issues. But those issues wouldn't be preventing us from having a NORMAL happy marriage with normal issues.

99% of the time I believe it's just the luck of the dang draw and is simply the trial that we are faced with. I know in my case I did everything I could to prevent marrying another addict. I had my husband screened by a psychologist, by my bishop, and a billion times by me. I asked my husband EVERYTHING about his childhood. I even asked his own sister to give me dirt on him.

Fact is, I chose to marry a great man. God approved. All blessings, fasting, prayers said YES. He was a great man when I met him. GREAT. And he was a great man when I married him. But my husband chose to turn back to his addiction after we were married. God gave him the chance to change for good, and he chose to go back to his addiction.

Fellow warrior sisters, what happened is not our faults. Sometimes there's nothing we can do to prevent marrying an addict. Nothing. Not even God will always warn us about dangerous people. Because God gave people the agency to choose, and only WE (with God) have the power to use our agency to get help to heal ourselves from the damage another person's agency has caused. Only WE can find and accept our self worth. Only WE can create strong boundaries and stand up for what is right.

And we will be stronger and better for it because in the end we WILL learn great things. 💖


  1. Such a strong, validating post. Thank you. Loved this: "addiction EXPLOITS a person's good qualities because addiction NEEDS people who will be trusting, believing and enabling for it to thrive."

    And I think this is the reality of the world we live in. I've had plenty of thoughts of, "Well, I'll just divorce then go find prince charming." Yikes. The reality, as you've said, is the high likelihood of marrying an addict again. Sobering thought. But I've also come to learn that an addict in RECOVERY can still be Prince Charming. Again, as you've said, it's all down to that man's choice.

  2. Great post! So validating. Every once in a while we just need to be reminded of this -- it is not or fault! Love you Friend! You are the BOMB!

  3. eeewww click bait. Especially, weird that this click bait showed up to completely clash with the message of the post. :P