Apr 14, 2014

To Filter or Not??

My psychologist once helped me out in this one. I am pro filter. But filters really DON'T 100% (more like 50%) work. They never worked for my hubby. They were kinda a joke.

I'm pro monitoring, password protecting, AND filtering all together. (see more here)
Oh and polygraph tests. Monitoring helped me learn/observe how my husbands lying and ever progressing addiction worked so i could better protect myself, it was never something i only needed to be learned once sincee my hubs CONTINUALLY got better at lying and "looking" like he was in recovery, he was subconsciously able to fool everyone. And after my ex husbands crap, ive learned how to find out what husband is up to without having to always actually SEE the filth. And now i only need to check when i get a prompting, which has been every couple months lately, but at least i have the OPTION to go back and look juuuuuust in case (which has proved beneficial every time).

If my husband resents me and feels more shame for protecting my house/children, ohwell that's his choice and thats his problem he can kiss my butt, keeping this filth outta my home and away from kids is one of my priorities. At all costs.

Plus, and although filters don't make up for proper parenting, what are filters actually for? "It works to protect the innocent" ......Aren't you the innocent? Aren't your children the incident? Satan already has most of our husbands, whats his ultimate goal? Our children. Our posterity.

I love analogies. Imagine being married to an alcoholic trying to get sober, and lets say there was bottles of liquor alllll over the house, and lets say those bottles of alcohol actually physically & mentally HURT your children just to even touch them, not to mention what it does to your husband if he slips up and drinks one!

Now... KNOWING the danger these bottles of alcohol pose on you and your kids physically and mentally, would you be ok with your husband putting those bottles of alcohol all over your home for the sake of saying "I can't control my husband, there's nothing i can do"/ "He's going to drink if he wants to anyway"/ "He should be the one to choose to get rid of these bottles himself",etc.??

And all those statements are absolutely true. Definitely can't control him. An alcoholic definitely will drink if he wants to. And he SHOULD get rid of the bottles himself. **Should**.. in a perfect world.

But that's where personal Boundaries comes into play. For myself, I can't control my husbands addiction/actions. I can't stop him from acting out. And he SHOULD be the one to get rid of all the triggers himself. .... But I sure as hell don't have to put up with that crap IN my home endangering my children, and and I sure as hell don't have to leave the safety of my children in the hands of an addict. Pornography to a child could have just as devastating affects as sexual abuse. It could harm their brain wiring. Its horribly traumatizing. Heck no, I ain't taking any chances for the sake of my husbands "negative feelings"  My kids win on that one.

If someones safety boundaries happens to negatively affect an addict, so what? If an addict hits his rock bottom and is willing to do "whatever it takes", filtering or monitoring ain't no big deal. If they get defensive over it.....well...then the question is WHY that would bother them? Whatever it takes means whatever it takes. Right?

If an addict has to stay away from all bars, drug hangouts, unsupervised unfiltered internet access, or has to simply ask for a password to his YouTube videos, ….out of everything important in their lives, is any of that REALLY that big of a deal in the grande scheme of things? Long term sober/Recovering addicts don’t go back to living and doing the same things they once did. But that’s the point, its about completely changing one’s life for the better.

Note: My husband hated filter/monitoring at first, but only because his "secret ways" were being brought to light and he was understandably ashamed and embarrassed. No matter who it is, MY boundary is that all tv/internet coming into my home is filtered/monitored/password protected. Heck I even offered to take phone monitoring off his phone after we separated, but he now CHOOSES to keep it on. He says he's not ready to have free open access to his "alcohol" (internet).

But does monitoring/filtering suck? Yes. It can drive us crazy. But our husbands forced us into this crap situation. And now its our job to keep the kids safe from the "drunk" mans alcohol in our home. Again, at all costs.

"And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched"