Feb 29, 2016

Latter Day Saint: Anger Can Be Healthy For Betrayed Wives

To the innocent wives suffering Betrayal Trauma ❤

Is ALL anger bad? Should we always avoid anger at all costs? Why would Christ show anger with the money changers if it's so wrong?

Lds. org states:
"Anger is an emotion everyone experiences. Dealing with it in healthy ways is an essential life skill to learn." - New Era


An lds. org article about living with an alcoholic parent states:
(To the friend of the abused)
  "Drunk people do disgusting things. They may even abuse their children.
   Your friend will be both shamed and angered by these actions. And she may feel guilty about her anger. Let her know that she has a right to be angry.
   Just help her direct and control that anger so it doesn’t cause her serious trouble."
(To the abused)
 "..Don’t feel guilty about it. It’s okay to feel angry. Anyone in your circumstances would feel that way.
   And if you haven’t been able to forgive him, keep trying, but don’t feel guilty about that either.
   Forgiving is not an easy virtue to master, and nobody’s timing you." - Living with an alcoholic parent by Anne Lawrence https://www.lds.org/liahona/1989/08/drunk-again-living-with-an-alcoholic-parent?lang=eng


The American Psychology Association states "Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it...turns destructive, it can lead to problems."

So....which is it? Is anger bad or good? Or.....can there ALSO be a healthy type of anger? (*Scroll down 👇 to the bottom for more awesome LDS quotes on righteous anger*)

There once was an episode on BYUTv called Managing Our Emotions about anger, and how many psychologists believe that we express anger in 3 basic ways.  To summarize in my own words, two types of anger are unhealthy, and the 3rd type is actually beneficial in building rich family relationships. 

1.) Aggressive type anger causes you to lash out in your anger and say mean things to intentionally hurt someone etc etc. This also includes abuse, road rage, punching stuff, vindictiveness, lifelong bitterness & resentment = they deemed that unhealthy.

2.) Passive type anger causes you to withdraw and hold the anger in and mask it and in often cases, internalize it. This type of anger also produces passive aggressiveness. They deemed this also unhealthy.

3.) The healthy type of anger is a VULNERABLE type of anger. Its solves and heals the anger.  1 & 2 are void of all vulnerability. When we can vulnerably express our anger then the anger brings us to action. We become proactive about changing our situation. Whether it's changing our surroundings or changing ourselves. I believe THIS is ALWAYS healthy. Because it's not the type of anger we can become stuck in. Its not that we can't feel it for a long time, especially if the matter that we feel angry about keeps re-occurring, but it's not a naturally lasting type of anger. I believe it will go away on it's own once we are proactive about changing our situation. 

An example of this type of anger can also be given from the story of Christ when he was angry at the money changers.
  "There are, of course, ways to express anger neutrally and even constructively. An angry person may be motivated to confront another and rationally discuss a problem. An improved relationship may well result. 
But, some may ask, “Why is it that God himself gets angry?” The scriptures make reference to God’s wrath or God’s anger. Would God command us not to get angry and yet be a God of anger himself?
At this point we should look at our definition of anger. I am using it in the sense that it is an emotion that results from judging others unrighteously, wanting to control others, or selfishly wanting our own ends met. I submit that God does not get angry when anger is thus defined—or as we commonly use the word.

I believe God’s actions are interpreted at times as arising out of anger because he applies consequences, including punishment, for violation of his laws. But when we look at God’s punishment, we find that it is just—there is no element of hostility or revenge. This is certainly true in the case of Christ driving the money changers from the temple. He did so with sternness, but his motivation was from a desire to serve God and bless his children, not a desire to harm others."
Burton C Kelly, LDS Ensign

Psychologist Jared Dinehart brought up a great point when talking about the necessity and usefulness of anger. He asked, what would happen if we DIDN'T have the emotion anger at all?
Would people walk all over us? Could anyone could come into our homes and steal whatever they wanted? What if someone came in and raped and killed our family? Without the emotion anger, what would we do?

"Research reported in the Journal Hormones and Behavior, 2010 found that anger stimulates the left frontal lobe in the brain which is associated with a motivation to be close and connect (positive affective processes)"

"Anger continues to have strong psychological survival value. Anger is the strongest sign that urges you to stand up for yourself. Anger gives you the impetus to make sure you are not treated like a doormat. Anger protects your self-identity, self-worth and entitlement to life on equal terms."

How many of us wife's have been through situations where we are angry at the lies, addict behavior and abuse and finally say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, which leads us to form strong boundaries, or to separate, or even divorce in order to protect ourselves?

Lili, founder of PoSARC.com states: "Anger can be essential here in helping you restore the boundary that your husband violated. Please don’t allow yourself to be talked out of your righteous outrage by well-meaning friends, family members, 12-step “support” groups for partners of sex addicts, by religious leaders or even by therapists who don’t understand the particularly powerful impact this kind of soul wound carries.
Anger can be what ultimately helps you say, “No” even as society is saying, “Yes! Sure, why not? No harm is done with a man looking at pornography, a man isn’t really cheating when he worships his favorite porn idols” and other nonsense like that. Keep your “No” strong as it will help you determine and then enforce what you need to feel safe in your relationship and valued."

I'm not a fan of the belief that "anger is bad, try and avoid it, don't feel angry, try to just let it go". In many church cultures it can often naturally be very shaming to some people and can cause them to dismiss their feelings which may lead to slower healing.

I believe vulnerably feeling our emotions leads to healing them. Love and acceptance of our ourselves and our emotions, no matter what they are, leads to healing because shame can't thrive there.

Allowing oneself to feel emotions + being proactive about situation (even if its honesty about being angry with God ❤) = Naturally healing the anger. No "manual" force necessary.

Bring on the healthy anger! Ain't no shame. Vulnerability is beautiful ❤


"As with most all strong emotions, anger is manifest both in righteousness and in unrighteousness. Righteous anger is an attribute of Deity, whose anger is everlastingly kindled against wickedness. 
Likewise, an inspired man might be led to speak or act in righteous anger, as did Moses when he broke the tablets upon which the Ten Commandments were written by the Lord."
ElRay L. Christiansen

"It is true that there is a rare time and place for the expression of righteous anger—the Lord himself has expressed indignation and anger when the circumstances warranted such reactions. Righteous anger is a controlled response to an unrighteous situation, however, not the kind of emotional outbursts most of us are all too familiar with."
Handbook for Families

"There is a wicked anger, and there is a righteous anger. The Lord does not suffer wicked anger to be in his heart; but there is anger in his bosom, and he will hold a controversy with the nations, and will sift them, and no power can stay his hand"
Brigham Young

"I feel that the reason people misconstrue the anger of the Lord is that they tend to assume that God’s anger is identical to their own as fallen mortals—they don’t understand correctly the nature of divine anger.
Lehi gives us a more correct definition of righteous anger. When Laman and Lemuel complained of Nephi’s anger toward them, Lehi explains: “Ye say that he hath used sharpness; ye say that he hath been angry with you; but behold, his sharpness was the sharpness of the power of the word of God, which was in him; and that which ye call anger was the truth, according to that which is in God, which he could not restrain, manifesting boldly concerning your iniquities” (2 Ne. 1:26).
By Edward J. Brandt

"The Savior was understanding and compassionate with sinners whose hearts were humble and sincere. But He rose up in righteous anger against hypocrites like the scribes, Pharisees, and Sadducees—those who tried to appear righteous in order to win the praise, influence, and wealth of the world, all the while oppressing the people they should have been blessing. The Savior compared them to “whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness.”
In our day, the Lord has similarly strong words for priesthood holders who try to “cover [their] sins, or to gratify [their] pride, [or their] vain ambition.” When they do this, He said, “the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.”
Why does this happen? Why do we sometimes try to appear active, prosperous, and dedicated outwardly when on the inside—as the Revelator said of the Ephesians—we have “left [our] first love”?
By President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

 "He (Joseph Smith) and his brethren were trying to get a little sleep but were kept awake by the awful blasphemies and obscene jests of their jailers, who were recounting the dreadful deeds of robbery and murder they had committed among the Mormons. These were no idle boasts, for these awful atrocities had actually been committed. Suddenly, Joseph rose to his feet and, in a voice that seemed to shake the very building, cried out:
“SILENCE, ye fiends of the infernal pit! In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you, and command you to be still; I will not live another minute and hear such language. Cease such talk, or you or I die THIS INSTANT!” (quoted in Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt, 180; emphasis in original).
The effect must have been electric in its suddenness. Some begged his pardon, while others slunk into the dark corners of the jail to hide their shame.
The power of Jesus Christ, whose name he had invoked in his rebuke, was upon him. His hands and feet were in chains, but these the guards did not see. They saw only the righteous anger in his shining face, and felt the divine power in his voice as he rebuked them."
Elder David B. Haight

"A long time ago in a faraway village lived a man who everyone did their very best to avoid. He was the type of person who believed that there was only one competent person in the world, and that one person was himself. Consequently, he was never satisfied with anything. His shoes never fit right. His shirt never felt comfortable. When his food wasn’t too cold, it was too salty, and when it wasn’t too hot, it was too bland.
If a field wasn’t sowed by himself, it was not sowed well. If he didn’t close the door, the door was not closed properly.
In short, he made a career of frowning, lecturing, criticizing, and mumbling about the incompetencies of every other person in the rest of the world.
Unfortunately, the man was married, which made matters all the worse. No matter what his wife did, in his eyes it was wrong. No matter what the unfortunate woman cooked, sewed, or cleaned—or even when she milked the cow—it was never satisfactory, and he let her know it.
She tried very hard to be a good wife, but it seemed the harder she tried, the less she pleased him. Finally, one evening she could take no more.
“I’ll tell you what we’ll do,” she told him. “Tomorrow I will do your chores and you will do mine.”
“But you can’t do my chores,” the man replied. “You don’t know the first thing about sowing, hoeing, and irrigating.”
But the woman was adamant. And on top of that, she was filled with a righteous anger that frankly astonished and frightened the man to the point where he didn’t dare disagree."  😂
Elder Joseph B Wirthlin 

" Anger is a much misunderstood emotion.  If you lost your house to a fire, you might think of fire as a bad thing.  While it is true that fire can destroy property and take life, it can also save life.  Fire can annihilate a forest or it can be used to prepare a meal.  Fire can destroy or fire can cleanse. When fire is carefully contained and controlled it is very useful for many different applications.  Similarly, uncontrolled anger can be a very destructive, i.e. bad thing.  You will seldom, if ever, hear our leaders speak of anger in a positive way because anger is so often used destructively, and this is something our leaders want to warn us about.  Uncontrolled anger has destroyed families and lives.  It is good that our leaders caution us about it’s destructive potential.
However, like fire, anger has its place if it is carefully controlled.  Anger itself is not the problem. What we do with that anger is where the potential for danger lies.  As in all things Christ is our example in how to deal with anger.  Remember when He cleansed the temple in Matthew 21:
12 And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves,

13 And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.

14 And the blind and the lame came to him in the temple; and he healed them.

... His anger was appropriate.  It moved Hiim to action against the wrong doers, but He was not out of control. 

So with all its potential for trouble is anger a sin?  No. As Christ showed us, sometimes anger is appropriate and can move us to action.   Imagine that you are in the store and you see a man hitting a woman repeatedly.  What is the appropriate response?  To turn away and say, “I forgive him.”  No.  Anger would likely rise up and move you to do something.  That is a good thing.  Now, what you might do, will vary.  I’m not saying you should step in and become the man’s next victim, but you could certainly call for help. "
**To be clear, I do not think anyone actually loses control when they are angry. I think anger is about taking control, not about being out of control. 

" Anger is not something to be afraid of, to be embarrassed by, or to be ashamed of, it is a part of the human experience. It's gotten a lot of bad press because of its association with aggression."
Dr Eva Feindler PhD, BYUTv "Managing Our Emotions" 

Other Articles on Anger :

Why Anger is Necessary - It's How You Use It That Counts

Negative Emotions Are Key To Well Being

PoSARC A Needed Change