Monday, October 12, 2020

"Even If It's All Completely True"

 Anyone else sick of sex addict men coming up with labels for traumatized women? 

Let's talk "Prodependency" 😊 


For those who haven't heard it before, Prodependency is basically a made up word by sex addiction therapist Robert Weiss (NOT the same as Doug Weiss/Helping Her Heal. They are unrelated). Robert Weiss is an old school therapist like Patrick Carnes who also thinks masturbation can be healthy for some sex addicts, is also a sex addict himself, and was huge into codependency... until he made up his own word that is. Prodependency is just codependency rebranded in shiny new stuff (but in a more stealthy way) as if it's like this never been done thing 😳. 


This is written by Robert weiss on partner hope. My favorite part is "--even if its all completely true". 😂 Ok, so we just can't CALL a wife codependent eeeeven if it's all completely true. As if THAT'S the only issue... uh no Robert Weiss, most wives just aren't codependent at all. It's an incorrect diagnosis. We don't need a new name for codependency 👍


I also find it bizarre that he makes it seem like he's never liked the codependency model, and he also says the definition of codependency is rooted in trauma (calls it a deficit based trauma model) which isn't accurate at all. Codependency is instead rooted in the belief that someone is just as sick, addicted and diseased AS an addict. Codependency is a disease model, not trauma model. 


I don't care how someone repackages codependency, or adds shiny new stuff to it that make it more alluring, or adds content that seem true, its poop still stinks 😜


Us wives experience PTSD. Its trauma! Not prodependency, codependency, co-addict, or whatever else some sex addict MAN wants to call us wives 💗 Let's just call it what it is 🙋 TRAUMA! We deserve better than to be blamed and pathologized 💗





He writes this too :


"Basically, loved ones of addicts are told that they are “codependent” and their efforts to help are counterproductive and facilitating (maybe even escalating) the problem. And that might in fact be the case. But even when it is, the general codependency belief that caregiving loved ones must “stop rescuing” and “detach with love” does not account for or even recognize the fact that they can’t stop caring for the addict any more than they can stop breathing. What they can do is learn to caretake prodependently—in ways that are more helpful to the addict, and by extension to themselves.


Interestingly, prodependence recommends and implements the same basic therapeutic actions as codependence—a fresh or renewed focus on self-care coupled with implementation of healthier boundaries.... "


 So Its just a more loving and gentle version of codependency. That's nice of him.


Here's more examples straight from his website. He explains about Codependency :


"Today, if you are the spouse, parent, sibling, or friend of an addict, you’ve almost certainly had perfectly loving people tell you to step away from the relationship, to stop rescuing, to stop enabling, to “detach with love,” and to “stop being so codependent.” If you’ve experienced this, you’ve likely asked, “How can I possibly abandon a person I love, especially in his or her time of need?”


&


"They also struggle with statements from therapists, friends, and family members telling them their efforts to care for the addict—perhaps taking on extra responsibilities and forgoing personal pleasures and development—indicate they are:

Obsessed with the addict and his or her behavior

Enmeshed with the addict

Enabling the addiction

Trying to control the addict’s thinking and behavior


&


"...flaws of the codependency model, which generally suggests that family members of addicts need to “detach with love” 


______


He says PROdependency is :


Prodependency skills : These skills include, but are not limited to, setting boundaries, caring for oneself, and, when useful, detachment.


&


"Prodependence recognizes that loved ones of active addicts are perpetually in crisis mode. Naturally, they try to control the crisis. In the process, they sometimes panic and make bad decisions. They may overdo. They may help too much. They may help ineffectively. They may enable and appear to be pathologically enmeshed. "


&


" What about trauma? Don’t many spouses of addicts have early childhood trauma?

A: Yes, many spouses of addicts, much like addicts themselves, have had early or later-life traumatic experiences. In fact, these similar histories, both conscious and unconscious, are frequently part of what has bonded these people to one another. And some partners may act out elements of past trauma in the acute stages of the addict’s problems. This is unsurprising, considering the extremely stressful and overwhelming circumstances addictions produce. "


*


**** Does anyone else see the odd flaws here? First he states that saying codependent things to someone like "stop enabling" , “detach with love,” "they're enmeshed with the addict", "they help too much ", etc are bad and harmful things to say. He says codependency is thought to be based on a person's childhood trauma they are re-experiencing. These are "bad" parts of codependency. 


But then he goes on to talk about how one of the Prodependence skills are detachment, and that people with Prodependency "Naturally, they try to control the crisis. In the process, they sometimes panic and make bad decisions. They may overdo. They may help too much. They may help ineffectively. They may enable and appear to be pathologically enmeshed.". He ALSO points out that " Yes, many spouses of addicts, much like addicts themselves, have had early or later-life traumatic experiences. In fact, these similar histories, both conscious and unconscious, are frequently part of what has bonded these people to one another."......


Please tell me I'm not the only one seeing how he contradicts himself? 😂 ITS SO SUBTLE IT'S HARD TO PICK UP!!!!!!! My brain is fried from reading his stuff, because some of what he said SOUNDS so great (but something just feels so "off") .... but it really is just codependency, same basic treatment, except its packed in great sounding words and seen from a different perspective . He's just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole from the bottom up instead of from the top down, all while thinking how his view is "different". Haha of course it looks different, its the same crap seen from a different angle 😜🤦‍♀️

I'm feeling gaslighted.. 



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