Feb 11, 2015

Should my husband disclose details of a relapse?

Full Disclosure

Its up to you, and ONLY you, on how many details you want your husband to tell you.


I personally prefer details. *I* feel safer with details. But I do NOT need GORY details. I consider stuff like "I got turned on by a sexy jogger wearing _____with big______" as gory details. Why? Because its describing the jogger in some sexually appealing way that invokes lust. I NEED to know if my husband lied, relapsed, masturbated, accidentally saw porn, was triggered, is struggling with lust, or has acted out in any way. I need to know what kind it was, how it was accessed, how long it was viewed or thought of, where it happened (what, where, why, when, how) etc etc., but I do NOT need to know what exact dirty thoughts he had that turned him on about the women. Plus if he told me gory details, he technically wouldn't be honest because he would be getting lust hits off his own words.

Examples of Details vs. Gory Details:

"I was triggered by a jogger today, and im feeling sad and ashamed" = Details. 

"I got turned on by a sexy hot blonde jogger with big ______ and I imagined doing this, this, and this to her" = Gory Details.

"I looked at _____ kind of porn for 2-3 hours today on my computer at work, and 30 min on my phone, and then I masturbated in the bathroom. I think I was feeling really stressed because of my boss yelling at me, and I chose to look at porn instead of reach out to you and my sponsor. Im feeling horrible, and depressed. What I did was completely wrong. I need to figure out my emotions better so I can prevent this from happening again. I'm so sorry I hurt you. Is there anything I can do to help you? Can I watch the kids, make dinner & clean the house??" = Details :)

"I was feeling horny for _______ women with big _____ so I decided to search _______. Then I looked up hardcore _______ porn while I masturbated in the bathroom imagining having ____ sex " = GORY Details

"I am feeling triggered by a dream I had last night and im on edge today and scared I may relapse" = Details

"I had a fun dream that I had sex with our hot neighbor in a red string bikini" = GORY Details.

Also, THIS is an example of NO details:
"I relapsed today"

"I felt triggered today"

Gory details re-live and entertain lust. You are not his dumping ground to RE-LIVE his lust. For him to describe the jogger, porn, or ANY woman in any sexual way "hot, big _____ etc", is not appropriate. No gory details about how pretty she was and why, what kind of body she had and why he loved her body, what kind of "sexy" outfit she was wearing, how "hot" it was,....no no no. THESE things are all just re-living the lust & fantasy.

In the end, its up to you how much you want to know. What do YOU want? Details? No details? Partial detail? Gory details? No gory details? Only relapses?
Details are extremely important to me. I know how a sex addict's mind works and sex addicts are liars, manipulaters, and incredibly smart. They are excellent at getting what they want. 

YES details are painful. Details are extremely painful. But I'd rather feel this pain now, versus feeling the pain 100x worse in a few years when I learn my husband has been lying to me and his addiction has progressed further.

Addicts lie. They are liars.

My husband would say he relapsed, and 100% of the time I'd find out later that my husband only told me half of the truth and he minimized the entire thing. His relapses were WAY worse then he said. For example, he would SAY "I relapsed today at work, I looked at porn for 15 min"
But what really happened (and the truth he *should* have said) was "I relapsed pretty bad today. I looked at porn at work for most of the day, both on the work computer and on my phone. Probably for 2-3 hours total. And then I masturbated in the work bathroom, and afterward spent an hour deleting all evidence so no-one would find out. Also, earlier out on a job, I found a magazine at a customer's house and stole it, then on the drive home from work, I parked somewhere and masturbated in the car before coming home".

See the difference?

This is very common, and why its crucial for an addict to be completely honest.

In the end, YOU DECIDE. No one else. Not a therapist. Not a bishop. NOT your husband. Not a Sponsor. Not his addict buddies. 

This is your marriage. This is about your safety and your kids safety. YOU get to decide which information you feel you need so that you are not dangerously being kept in a marriage under false pretenses.