I-Statements

 How To Communicate

"We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we move from the passive voice to the active voice — that is, until we have stopped saying 'It got lost', and say, 'I lost it.' ” - Sydney J. Harris

Let's face the facts. Communicating is FREAKING hard. It can leave us feeling exposed, and being vulnerable is terrifying and uncomfortable.

Frankly, most of us were never taught how to communicate properly are often using the skills we learned as children from our parents...... who also didn't know how to communicate properly. :)

I-statement's are a helpful communication tool wrapped in pure golden magical goodness. They are statements or responses that refrain from saying "you" or "your" as much as possible. They force us to think about how we are really feeling.

I-Statements -

Dispute resolution conversation openers that can be used to communicate clearly and boldly about how we feel and how we want something to be, without putting the other person on the defensive. They are also used to acknowledge and take ownership of our own feelings.

Latter Day Saint: 90 Day Program Craziness

Don't hate me. 

I'm gonna say it...

I cant stand the 90 day program. 

Choosing a Therapist

"Do I need a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist?"

I don't (don't hate me) believe a CSAT is necessary. Actually, in most cases a CSAT is more harmful, due to the CSAT certification teaching victim blaming and addict coddling. I think the trick to finding a great therapist is by researching and asking the therapist lots of questions about what they believe, NOT by solely going off of a CSAT certification training that some sexist guy made up. I mean, this is the came guy (Patrick Carnes) who believes parents are sexually attracted to their children, and that wives are just as addicted, diseased, and messed up as the addict abuser. Should we really trust anything he says or created? 😳


For a therapist, I would choose a Psychologist who is certified in EMDR and specializes in abuse, trauma, violence against women, sexism, etc., over a counselor (especially a CSAT) ANY day. I mean, there ARE many many great counselors who know a TON about abuse and trauma from their own life experiences and who intuitively "get it", but they are harder to find. No matter what, it's good to be aware that great therapists are rare, they are not the norm. 

LDS Church's View On Emotional, Sexual & Physical Abuse: Quotes & Definitions

What Is Abuse

I think many of us hear abuse and we instantly think it only means being physically beaten and that unless we are being physically hit then it's not as serious. Sadly this is not so, Emotional Abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse (Learn more about emotional abuse HERE). MANY of us aren't aware of the LDS church's stance and definition of abuse, even some of our own bishops and ward leaders.

Ive compiled a list of quotes from lds.org regarding ALL types of abuse straight from handbooks, manuals, conferences, apostles, & prophets. The Church takes this matter very seriously. Please pass this info along, even quote them to your ward leaders if needed.

Knowledge is truth and light!

LDSChurch's view on Emotional, Physical, & Sexual Abuse :

* Abuse and Cruelty -

"The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man. All members, especially parents and leaders, are encouraged to be alert and diligent and do all they can to protect children and others against abuse and neglect. Members who have abused others are subject to Church discipline.

If leaders or teachers become aware of instances of abuse, they should counsel with the bishop. Instructions for the bishop are provided in Handbook 1.

Abuse Definition

Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes injury or offense. It harms the mind and the spirit and often injures the body as well. It can cause confusion, doubt, mistrust, and fear. It is a violation of the laws of society and is in total opposition to the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abusive behavior may lead to Church discipline.

Affirmations Heal

What are affirmations?

I'll explain in a way that helped me understand them (I used to think they were hippy BS).

We all have learned some incorrect beliefs about ourselves in our lives somewhere along the way, whether in childhood, as teens, or as adults etc. I call these Debilitating Negative Core Beliefs ---- "I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, I'm not important, I don't deserve good things, I'm unlovable, I'm unsafe because I don't deserve to be safe. I can't do anything right" etc etc etc.

We ALL have them in varying degrees one way or another.

Now, how would it make you feel if a loved one called you names like stupid, worthless, ugly, fat, unlovable etc?

It would hurt your feelings right? 

I believe when we put ourselves down we are doing the same thing to ourselves. It hurts us. Except we've done it for so long we've become desensitized to it so we don't realize how much it's actually harming ourselves. This in turn becomes MORE damaging because it is often done on a subconscious level, and VERY VERY frequently and habitually. Just because we can't consciously feel it, doesn't mean it's not doing the same amount of damage and is not hurting us.

So how do we counteract these negative beliefs? If putting ourselves down by subconscious thoughts and phrases can tear us down and hurt our body and mind, then couldn't we also correct those negative beliefs by counteracting them with positive phrases?

I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF. I AM SAFE.

Luckily you don't have to believe affirmations for them to work at first.

When I started saying affirmations I definitely didn't love myself. I didn't feel safe. It felt like my insides were screaming "NOOOO YOUR LYING!!!!!! How dare you say it is safe!!!!!! LIAR!!!!" , and the more I said affirmations, the more those screams became like the wizard of oz witch "NOOOOO I'm melting I'm melting".

My affirmations were literally a direct "attack" against my negative beliefs. My negative beliefs saw the affirmations as a huge threat. So I had to say the affirmations a lot for the idea to slowly sink in enough for me to even CONSIDER believing them.

Affirmations also sound too simple to be effective. When someone first told me about them I thought they were a big load of bull, "Ha ya right, like saying I love myself is gonna help me feel better or help my body to feel better. That's stupid"...(as I muttered in my head " Ya freaking looney psycho tree hugger..." 😜).

IT IS SAFE TO FEEL.

As you start saying affirmations, don't be surprised if you feel alll sorts of whacky diverse emotions like embarrassment, stupidity, shame, guilt, depression, apathy, rage, or the urge to cry or even to laugh! THIS IS A GOOD SIGN!!!!!!!

These emotions are PROOF that the affirmations are working and doing good because the positive words triggered the negative belief into "defense" mode. If the affirmation was no threat to the negative belief, it'd have no reason to defend itself. So keep saying them, stay strong!

Also when using affirmations, try to use all positive words. Our subconscious minds don't always differentiate between what context a negative word is used in. Example: "I am not mad at myself".....some part of our body will still hear "mad at myself" and "I am not".  

If you're religious you can start the first one off saying God/Heavenly Father "______" and then say the affirmation so its like your confirming it before God, thus making it more real. Then alternate between saying them over and over outloud (in the mirror if your feeling brave) or fill up an entire page writing them down over and over. THE MORE YOU DO THEM THE BETTER ITLL WORK  This is what helps me make the affirmations work better : How To Do Positive Self EMDR

Another great tip if affirmations seem too hard is to say "I want" before your affirmation. That way it won't make you feel like you're lying to yourself, and It will still be just as effective. Ex. "I want to take care of my body". 

Affirmations are also GREAT to do in front of your kids so they can learn by example!

   I WANT TO LOVE EVERY PART OF MY BODY. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AS BEAUTIFUL.

Affirmations have changed my life in more ways than I can describe. Something so simple as saying WORDS has changed my life and has healed so many wounds that I thought were impossible to heal. 

What I love most about affirmations is that they are also a form of loving and honoring God since HE created us. He commanded us to love.....But that also applies to ourselves right? We aren't exempt from this commandment. We are a literal part of God. Our spirits know this. Our spirits know our importance and self worth, and our Negative Core Beliefs are a direct opposition to God and WHO WE ARE as children of God. Instead, what better way to honor Him than to honor His creation!

I sincerely hope affirmations help you. YOU are important. YOU deserve good things 💗

Plus, you got nothing to lose by trying, right? 😗🙋‍♀️

Example Affirmations: 

I love you _____ (say your name.  YES it feels silly,  but for some reason it works really well when speaking to your child self)

I love and approve of myself
It is safe for every part of my body to relax and feel peace.

I am safe.

All is well.

It is safe for me to care for myself

I digest with ease

I want to release my weight

I want to take care of my body

I want to love taking care of my kids

I want to love taking care of my house

I want to feel safe

I want to see my body as beautiful

My mind is full of love, peace, and clarity

Life will always provide for me

It is safe for me to feel

I relax into the flow of life and let life provide all that I need easily and comfortably

I willingly release with joy

I see myself and what I do with eyes of love

I boldly speak how I feel with ease

It is safe to be me

I relax and recognize my self worth

Harmony and peace, love and joy surround me and indwell me. I am safe and secure.

I am safe in the here and now

It is my birthright to live fully and freely.

I lovingly balance my mind and my body. I now choose thoughts that make me feel good.

The movies of my mind are beautiful because I choose to make then so. I love me.

I am safe and secure at all times. Love surrounds me and protects me. All is well.

I am Divinely protected and surrounded by love. I now create a safe new future.

I give myself permission to be all that I can be and I deserve the very best in life. I love and appreciate myself and my children.

It is safe for me to be alive

***** I am important. I count. I now care for and nourish myself with love and with joy. I allow others the freedom to be who they are. We are all safe and free.

I freely and easily release the old and joyously welcome the new.

I am totally adequate at all times

It is easy for me to reprogram the computer of my mind. All of life is change and my mind is ever new

I trust my Heavenly Father. All I need is always taken care of.

I know I am worthwhile. It is safe for me to succeed.

It is with love that I totally release the past. I am free. I am love.

I am safe. I am at peace with life.

I am loving and lovable.

I release the pattern in me that created this. I am worthwhile. I DESERVE good.

Definition of Lying

"Lying Takes longer than the truth"

Types of Lying

Lying by omission:

Also known as a continuing misrepresentation, a lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions. When the seller of a car declares it has been serviced regularly but does not tell that a fault was reported at the last service, the seller lies by omission. It can be compared to dissimulation.

Should my husband disclose details of a relapse?

Full Disclosure

Its up to you, and ONLY you, on how many details you want your husband to tell you.

YOU DECIDE.

What if my husband blames me?

I want to say something to all you wonderful wives out there who have husbands that blame and make excuses for their behavior, lies and addiction.

Its not your fault.

What?

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You could be angry with him. You could be furious with him. You could be hurt and in immense pain and not wanting to talk to him. You could stop having sex with him. You could be horrible to him. Hell, or you could even be the *perfect wife*.

That still doesn't give him a right to blame his lack of RECOVERY on you. It does not give him a right to blame, redirect, manipulate, lie, gaslight, force, belittle, or abuse you in any way.

He cannot blame ANY of his addiction, behavior, dishonesty,or mood on you. Its not your fault. YOU are not making honesty, sobriety & recovery hard for him. And you are not preventing him from being honest, sober & getting into recovery.

How do I know this?

Ive been there. I've done plenty of betraying. 

My ex husband was AWFUL to me when I got sober. He called me names, he refused to help me with our newborn while I was going thru hellish withdrawls. He was a passive aggressive beast. There was ZERO zeeeero comfort or love, and ONLY hostility from him.

But guess what? 

SO WHAT.

Steps to Filtering and Protecting Your Computer

"Parents must have the courage to filter or monitor Internet access, television, movies, and music." - Elder Quinton Cook

Let's talk filters.

Why Filter?? The church has asked us to. But WHY? Click HERE: To Filter or Not

Net nanny is a good program for strictly filtering. Its pricey since its a yearly subscription, but if you have the money, do it. Beware that it can be disabled, many programs can, better safe to know this than not, right? (Email me if you want a list of all the Monitoring programs I personally recommend for computer AND android devices. I pefer not to list them here because they are stealth monitoring programs : makemyburdenlight@Gmail.com)

The great part is you can layer multiplex filters like Net Nanny, K9 and Opendns all at once!

BEWARE ONE FILTER IS NOT ENOUGH. 

Not only is one filter not enough, many people don't realize that filtering ONLY with ONE WIFI filter  (like Opendns, CleanRouter, Routerlimitz etc) is completely ineffective. They are EASILY BYPASSED!!! The more filters you have, the better protection you have, and whichever programs you choose I recommend at least one to also have MONITORING. 

Here are steps I recommend:

1. First filter from the router itself with Opendns (or other router filter)

Wife's Analogy

A wonderful friend of mine wrote this to help her Church Leader's understand her pain. It is absolutely beautiful and I asked if I could share it :)

                                                          Tammra's Journey

I was at a place in my life where I felt like I was constantly walking up hill. Everything seemed hard, especially my relationship with my husband. He was constantly angry with me and finding fault with me. He was always preoccupied with something other than me. Every day I was doing my best to put one foot in front of the other as I walked up that hill wondering what had gone wrong in my life, wondering where my husband was and what he was doing. I was taking care of everything in our lives - children, finances, home - because he was no longer engaged. 

One day as I walked up that hill my husband appeared, driving erratically and he hit me with a truck I had never seen before but had heard about and was afraid of. A truck full of broken promises and so many lies. 

Latter Day Saint: Is Honesty To a Wife Required for Repentance?

Disclosure

Is Honesty Required For Repentance?

An LDS Church View

Disclosure is a question of ethics. As wives, we deserve and have a right to know the type of relationship we are in. We DESERVE to know what kind of danger our addict husbands are putting us and our children in by viewing pornography, masturbating, or having any contact with other woman. "Keeping someone in a relationship under false pretenses represents exploitation" (link)    

Sadly, I've heard from many wives who have learned their sex addict husband's have confessed relapsing to their Church Leader's, and didn't feel it necessary to tell their spouse, or in turn, have had actual Church Leaders tell them they did not have to tell their spouse. Ive put a list of LDS Church articles together straight from LDS.org that takes a deeper look into repentance and states that after breaking covenants, one cannot confess to church leader, and avoid confessing to their spouse, as this would not be true repentance.

The rest are straight from the source. Together we can help battle this misconception that a wife doesn't need to know the danger an addict is putting his family in  :) Enjoy! (Note: Restitution, confession, and honesty are ALWAYS possible to a spouse)

                                  

"Many individuals minimize the extent of their problem because of feelings of shame. The Lord’s way, however, requires that we acknowledge our faults to Him. Such confession is actually an exercise in honesty with ourselves, as we acknowledge to ourselves that which is already transparent to God. Involvement in pornography should also be acknowledged to one’s spouse (and for youth, one’s parents) and bishop or branch president."

- Elder Rory Reid https://www.lds.org/ensign/2005/02/the-road-back-abandoning-pornography?lang=eng

How To Set Boundaries

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries. What are they? Though I've always had certain boundaries, I didn't know they were called "boundaries". I know how confusing and hair pulling it is to figure out what boundaries are and how they apply to you, so bare with me.

Boundaries Definition:

“a line determining the limits of an area” - Vocabulary 

“unofficial rules about what should not be done : limits that define acceptable behavior” - Britannica

“Hey, That's Not Ok”

Boundaries are all about our safety and well being. Boundaries help establish personal limits, defining what you are comfortable with and how you want to be treated by others. Imagine boundaries as a fence around your property, a line of what you think is OK and what you think is not OK. They are safety measures. It's what causes us to internally say "Hey, that's not ok" when harmed. It also can cause us to do things to try and keep ourselves safe, the best we can, from that harm. 

Sadly, a common first response among sex addiction/betrayal trauma professional's is to tell victims that boundaries will always stop or prevent someone from harming you, or that a boundary isn't a boundary unless you attach a consequence to it, or that boundaries help you stop “allowing/tolerating/letting/accepting” the abuse, or that you lack boundaries altogether and aren't safe because you don't have boundaries, or. 

These are myths. 

First, boundaries cannot magically force anyone to stop choosing to harm you. 

Second, there's no official dictionary definition that says a boundary must have a consequence attached, a boundary can be a boundary with, or without, a consequence. 

Third, contrary to popular belief, you didn't allow, tolerate, let, or accept the abuse either. You can't consent (ie. Allow, tolerate, accept, etc.) to something you don't know about, fully understand, or agree to under duress. No one consents to being abused. So I would avoid any professionals who tell you that you need to stop “allowing” him to abuse you, it's victim blaming and inaccurate. 

Fourth, when someone chooses to harm you, then THEY are the reason you were harmed, not because you “lacked” in boundaries. You are never to blame.

Plus, want to know something interesting? 

You already DO have boundaries. Even if you aren't aware they are called "boundaries", you, right this minute, possess within yourself boundaries. GOOD JOB 👏 👏 👏 

Want proof? 

Answer these questions:

1. Did you want to be lied to, cheated on, or abused? 

2. Are you ok with your partner lying, cheating or abusing you? 

3. Had your partner told you the very first time he met you “Hey woman, I'm going to continually lie to you, cheat on you, abuse you, gaslight you, make you feel crazy, and cause you so much pain, do you want to go out again?”... would you have gone out with him again??? 

4. After you discovered your partner's betrayal, did you try and find some way to improve the situation, find safety, stop being harmed, etc.? 

If you answered 3 no's and 1 yes, then this is proof you already had boundaries from day one. Studies also show that ALL victims resist abuse and mistreatment in some way. Why? Because no one wants to be abused. Everyone wants to be treated with love, dignity, and respect. And that constant resistance in order to keep yourself safe IS a form of boundaries, and is always healthy. 

Furthermore, your partner knew you had boundaries from day one as well. He knew you didn't want to be lied to, cheated on, and abused. He knew you wouldn't have wanted to be with him if you knew the entire truth, which is why he lied. 

As Dr Allan Wade states: 

“They [perpetrators] are not stupid..You talk to men who have been abusive and..men know that women resist abuse. Men know that women don't like to be abused. Only psychologists think that women fail to resist abuse. Men don't think that way. " - Dr Allan Wade @Response Based Practice 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HeSTtT9OWbo

Now, is it possible to gain even more boundaries? 

YES! Learning more ways to resist abuse and keep ourselves safe is GREAT! Here's some tips how:

Step By Step Boundaries

One way to gain additional boundaries is to ask yourself, what do you need for your health and safety? What do you WANT for yourself and your life? 

Often, boundaries aren't just things we simply want either, they are actually things we NEED in order to be safe. They are things we literally need, both emotionally and physically, in our life in order to live and function in a healthy progressive way so we can thrive. When first figuring out how to implement more boundaries, it may be helpful to figure out what exactly you need and ask yourself these questions:

* What good behavior from your partner are you able to live with in your home and life?

* Are you mentally and physically able to live with someone, without being severely injured or causing long term damage, who is choosing not to change or be safe? 

* What types of behavior from your partner are you NOT able to live with in your home and life?

* What personally do YOU want out of your life? What do you want your life to look like? 

      - Are you able to achieve this while living with an addict who's lying, cheating, and abusing you in your home and/or around your children?

* What are some essential emotional NEEDS you have in your life, and also marriage? (ie. Safety, connection, honesty, etc) 

* Are you willing to sleep in the same bed, be intimate with, or live with an addict abuser who is acting out, lying, or being abusive? 

* Are you ok living with a partner who has free reign access to pornography (unfiltered or unmonitored Internet devices) in your home around you and/or your children?

* Do you want to live a life being with someone who covertly controls, lies, cheats, gaslights or abuses you? If not, why? 

* What do you need in order to keep you and your children safe from an addict abuser? 

 

Next, figure out things you can do to achieve optimal health and safety. Its crucial to have a plan of what you will do if your husband isn't safe. What are YOU able to do in order to follow through on your boundaries? If your husband is not willing to be respectful, faithful, honest, and safe, what are some additional things you can do to keep YOU safe? 

Remember, boundaries are about your safety and well being (and childrens, if applicable), not about demanding anyone else to do something. You can't demand or force your husband to leave, be nice, admit he is wrong, be honest, etc. You can ASK him to leave after he lies, cheats, or abuses you, but that doesn't mean he will leave every time you ask (though it's pretty messed up if he doesn't). However, you CAN leave in whatever way is possible for you (ie. Go gray rock, walk away, go for a drive, sleep somewhere else, separation, etc). 

It's not required for you to tell your partner your boundaries. You're more than welcome to take action in silence (ex. Get up and leave the room without saying why). You know yourself and your husband better than anyone else, only YOU get to decide what is best and safest for you. 

But if you do want to communicate your boundaries, one common method is to state what you NEED > Then state what you are not able to live with > Then, if possible, state what you are going to DO to keep yourself safe if your partner doesn't respect your need for safety boundaries. 

Here are a variety of random different boundary wording examples. A few of these are my personal boundaries, but everyone's situation is different, so input safety measures that will help YOU feel safe, and aren't just to change the addict abuser. YOU call the shots 🙌:

- "I need safety in order to survive and thrive. I am only willing to stay with a partner who is actively trying to get into recovery by choosing to stop lying, cheating and abusing, and is willing to take a polygraph and learn about his entitlement and patriarchy, etc. If I do not see consistent recovery behaviors, ie. respect, honesty, integrity, etc., then I won't feel safe being in a relationship with you." (Other examples: sleeping in the same bed with you, being intimate with you, talking to you, etc etc.

- "For my safety, sanity, and mental health, I am not willing to live with a man who chooses to lie. If I am lied to, I will need to distance myself and consider a separation." 

- "In order for me to feel safe in this relationship I need all future slips/relapses etc. to be disclosed within 24 hours. If I receive disclosure after 24hrs, OR I discover it myself, then that puts me and the kids in danger and I will need a separation for an undisclosed amount of time."

- "For the safety of me and the children, I will not allow any unmonitored and unfiltered Internet device (computer, phone, TV etc) to enter this home. If I learn of any unprotected device you have brought into my home without my knowledge, I will need a separation for my safety."

- "I love you. I NEED to feel safe in this marriage. I NEED the kids to be safe. I am no longer willing to live with lies. If you lie to me without telling me within 24 hours etc, I will ______." 

- "I'm not comfortable living with someone who's not trying to get into recovery by being honest, faithful, respectful, taking a polygraph, reading about entitlement and patriarchy/misogyny, etc. If I do not see these efforts in actions (not words), than I do not feel safe living here."

- "I don't feel safe sleeping in the same bed with someone who is not trying to get into recovery. If I do not see recovery type work like faithfulness, full honesty/transparency, polygraph, etc, then I do not feel safe sleeping in the same bed as you." 

- "I need safety in order to thrive and be healthy. I do not feel safe living with a man who is not working to get into recovery. If I do not see recovery type work, then I will detach and cease contact (except directly about kids) so that I can feel safe."

-”If you speak to me that way again, I will ____” (leave the room, sleep on the couch, ask you to leave, go for a drive, etc) 

- "I do not feel comfortable living with someone who's not trying to actively get into recovery by doing ___. If I do not see active recovery type actions by ______, then I will begin the divorce process for the safety of me and the kids."

Next, for your safety be prepared to follow through with everything you say. If you say you will not have sex, or you will separate, or you will start divorce proceedings the next time he acts out or lies, etc., be sure you are actually willing to do what you said you would. 

Also be prepared for backlash from your husband. If your husband acts up, gets defensive/upset, or throws a tantrum, then know that it's a confirmation that your boundaries are good. Ignore him and DO NOT engage. I repeat, DO NOT ENGAGE. Gray rock is extremely helpful. Don't base the health of your boundaries on his negative reactions. I promise, if it's all about your safety, you ARE doing the right thing for you! 

Remember, he's an expert at getting what he wants, so he will do everything in his power to continue getting what he wants, including trying to get you to doubt, back down, stay silent, and not have boundaries. He might even blame you, say you're controlling, call you mean, etc. Your husband has the agency to make any choice he wants (sadly). Your boundaries aren't telling him what he can or can't do. Your boundaries are simply saying "Yes, you can make the choice to act that way, because you're a grown adult with agency. But so am I. And because I love you and also love myself, I am going to do ___ if you choose to lie, cheat, or abuse 💗".  

Stay firm. Stand your ground. You got this. 

** NOTE : If there's a chance he will get physical, please stop immediately and find safety, or leave while he's gone. If your husband is physically abusive, telling your husband your boundaries can be very dangerous. Do what you feel is best for YOU! 

Can My Boundaries Also Help the Addict Abuser? 

Boundaries and consequences in life are also indirectly crucial for the addict. While this is a less important aspect, a wife's Boundaries can sometimes produce much needed natural consequences. However, to be clear, our boundaries aren't for the addict (nor is it our job to have boundaries just to give the addict “consequences”), but the fact remains that no addict will change without pain and loss/feeling the natural consequences to their actions, if they so choose. Consequences are wonderful. 💗

Additional Resources:

What Are My Boundaries by Love Is Respect:

https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-are-my-boundaries/

Feel free to contact me with questions 💗

What are Personal Bill of Rights?

Personal Bill of Rights 

You may have occasionally heard the term "Bill of Rights". Personal Bill of Rights are statements that we declare to ourselves to help empower us, encourage us, and stand up for ourselves. A few examples are:

- I have a right to safety in my home. 

- I have a right to say yes or no to sex, no matter what. Period.

- I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings or problems.

- I have a right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

- I have a right to expect honesty from others.

- I have a right to all of my feelings.

- I have a right to be angry at someone I love, and love someone I’m angry at.

What Are Slip, Lapses and Relapses & What Do They All Have In Common?

They all include Acting Out in one's addiction, and require a restart in sobriety AND Recovery dates. Let’s look at some definitions.

Acting Out - Intentionally seeking out any erotic and sensual stimulus, even if "accidental" at first. DEFINITE lines of acting out: Masturbation, Pornography, Infidelity, Emotional infidelity, Inappropriate relationships with opposite sex, Chatting, Flirting, Sex ad browsing, Forcing anyone to have sex (yes, even if it’s your own wife), & Massage brothels.

Pornography - Any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. This includes scantily dressed women in bikinis, lingerie or revealing clothes, scantily dressed woman in comics, cartoons, or art, erotic books, risky material in movies, TV shows, phone apps, or games.

LDS .org Church Definition of Pornography - 

  "Pornography is any visual or written medium created with the intent to sexually stimulate. If the work was not intended to stimulate but nevertheless causes sexual arousal in an individual, it constitutes pornography for that person."

&

  "Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."

Are there differences between slip, lapse, & relapse? Yes. Technically. 

S.L.I.P -- "Sexual Sobriety Lost its Priority" - A slip is a one-time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence. Slips are significant events that call for immediate attention. But how can one know it will truly be the LAST time they will ever act out? For all an addict knows, they could act out again in a few days, few months, or next year etc. And if one-time-slips continue to occur, would each one still be considered a "ONE time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence"?

Relapse - A relapse is the recurrence of symptoms of a disease or to resume addictive behavior after a period of abstinence.

Lapse - A lapse is somewhere confusingly in between.

To Filter or Not Part 2 : Is Computer Monitoring For Safety or Control?

Would you be ok with a loved one to shoot up heroin in your home? Would you be ok with a loved storing heroin filled needles within easy reach of your children in various places like the cupboard, bedroom, family room, or on the counter next to your phones, and then turn around and say,  "I can't control my him, there's nothing I can do" OR, "It makes me feel too crazy to stop it coming in" OR, "He's going to find a way to shoot it up if he wants to anyway" OR, "I'm his wife, not his mother", OR "He should be the one to choose to get rid of the heroin for himself" OR, "His recovery is his recovery" ....?? -------  I'm curious if anyone would say these types these things if it were actual HEROIN?

Latter Day Saint: Helpful Consequences, Repentance and the Process of Becoming Worthy

Are Consequences and Repentance Required for Worthiness?

 LDS Mormon Quotes

Why Are Consequences Helpful? 

If Alma the younger never felt the pains of hell, and was racked with the eternal torment in remembrance of all his sins, do you think he would have had such a great change of heart? Would he have understood all that he had done wrong? I myself never would have gotten sober without going through the pains of hell.

Many times bishops, leaders and loved ones unknowingly enable an addicts addiction which can cause them to believe their trangression wasnt serious ---ie. "I can look at pornography and still go to the temple and take sacrament? Oh, what I did must not be that bad". Leaders and loved ones may think they are helping by encouraging the addict to continue going to the temple or taking the sacrament despite a recent relapse, slip, or discovery of ones sexual sins, but instead they may be unknowingly hurting them. Remember consequences are for our benefit. They are good and can help bring about lasting change.
 

What Can Church Leaders Do to Help?

"The bishop represents the Lord in extending forgiveness for the Church. At times he must administer bitter medicine. Alma told Corianton, “Now, repentance could not come unto men except there were a punishment” (Alma 42:16). I would not want to live in a world where there was no repentance, and if punishment is a condition of that, I will willingly accept that. There is the idea abroad that one can send a postcard of prayer and receive in return full forgiveness and be ready at once for a mission or for marriage in the temple. Not so. There are payments to be made. If a bishop offers comfort only and, in misguided kindness, seeks to relieve you of the painful but healing process in connection with repentance, he will not serve you well."

https://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng

Latter Day Saint: Can Someone View Pornography and Still Attend the Temple Worthily??

Pornography and the Law of Chastity

 LDS Mormon Quotes

 

What is Pornography?

 

Definition of Pornography :

"Pornography is any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. It is distributed through many media,including magazines, books, television, movies, music, and the Internet. It is as harmful to the spirit as tobacco, alcohol, and drugs are to the body. Using pornographic material in any way is a violation of a commandment of God: “Thou shalt not … commit adultery … nor do anything like unto it”"

&

"Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."
LDS.org

What is Worthiness?

  

"Personal worthiness is an essential requirement to enjoy the blessings of the temple. Anyone foolish enough to enter the temple unworthily will receive condemnation."

Richard G Scott, LDS. org

What We All Wish Church Leaders Knew About Wives of Porn Addicts:

What Do Wives Of Sex Addicts Wish Everyone Knew? 

1. We are devastated.  

2. We did not cause this and we cannot cure it.
3. We may feel that if we were prettier, smarter, or more “something,” they would not have this problem. This is not true. In almost all cases, they were addicted before they ever met us.
4. We need to know about our husbands’ actions so that we don’t blame ourselves for whatever feels wrong in our marriages. 
5. We also need to know of our husbands’ actions to help protect ourselves, our children, and our homes. Keeping someone in a relationship under false pretenses represents exploitation.
6.We have done nothing to bring this situation into our lives.  It feels so unfair that we have no choice but to deal with it.
7. We are baffled that we ended up here. We have tried to do all the things that we thought would bring us our happy eternal marriage.  This is the last thing we expected.  We may feel cheated and angry with God.
8. We feel really ashamed.  We feel embarrassed that we married someone with this problem, or that we didn’t see it sooner. We feel our husbands have made us into a phony, a fake, and a liar.
9. Extreme emotions are normal in our circumstances.  We should not be shamed for feeling them.
10. We may need help remembering that we have worth as individuals, no matter the outcome of our marriages or future choices of our husbands.
11. We feel alone. We feel like no one else has this problem. Isolation compounds our pain.
12. We need support
13. We have experienced major trauma and injuries from our husbands lies, cheating, and abuse.  This trauma is not an indicator that we are weak or not using the Atonement.

* 99% of sex addicts in relationships are abusive as well. This is an abuse issue. 

* Polygraphs can be crucial to finding out the truth for our safety. 
*It is hard for us to reach out for support.
*Other women who have been in our shoes can provide vital support.
*We may need ongoing support from our bishops.  It may be hard for us to ask for this ongoing support.  A little bit of reaching out and following up from our bishops may go a long way in helping us not feel overlooked or forgotten.
*We need to know what resources are available to help us.  A bishop who is familiar with this problem and what these resources are could help us feel better sooner.
*We may want and need increased access to Priesthood blessings.  Our husbands may not be worthy to give those blessings, and even if they are, they might not be the ones we want to ask to give them to us.  It may be valuable to have our bishops help us identify who we can ask when we need this particular type of help.
*Our bishops may be the first people we reach out to after discovering our husbands’ addictions.  It may be hard for us to trust Priesthood holders since our husbands have held the Priesthood in our homes but still chose to lie, cheat, and abuse.  If we feel invalidated by our bishops, it will be so much harder for us to reach out for further support.
*We sometimes feel invalidated when it seems that the Church does not hold our husbands accountable for their actions.
*More sex is not the answer. Our husbands do not act out with pornography and masturbation because we give them too little sex; they will not stop acting out with pornography and masturbation if we give them more sex. If we are encouraged to “not withhold sex” we will feel like we are being told that our feelings are not as important as our husbands’ feelings.  Our need for exclusivity trumps their “need” for sex.  Men are expected to remain abstinent until marriage, which implies it is possible for men to survive without sex.  Our having sex with them does not help them to recover.
*We are in no position to be asked to give our husbands support.  If anything, we need their support for us as we come to terms with what they have done.
*The best way for us to help our husbands is to hold them accountable.  Being asked to “forgive and forget” too early will hurt us both.
*Letting our husbands off the hook too easily usually decreases the urgency they feel about getting help.
*We need to set some boundaries for ourselves with our husbands to protect ourselves from ongoing harm.
*The best support we can give to our husbands is a healthy wife.  We need to do what it takes to find our way back to our own personal health.
*If our husbands have been caught instead of voluntarily disclosing, they may not actually have any desire to get better, no matter what impression they may give a bishop when discussing addiction.
*If we are asked to make changes to help our husbands overcome their problems, and they don’t change, then we feel like we didn’t try hard enough or lacked faith.  It may increase our shame.  Only our husbands are responsible for their own behavior.
*Most addicts lie or minimize when asked about their addictions.  We and their bishops are not likely to have heard the entire story from our husbands.
*Many of our husbands will continue to act out and to lie to us (and to their bishops) after their initial meetings with their bishops.  It may not be appropriate to encourage us to trust them yet, because they likely will not be trustworthy yet.
*Our husbands are incapable of giving up their addictions if they keep them a secret.
*Our husbands’ lies have harmed us at least as much as the actual betrayal. Sometimes even more. 
*Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or trusting them. Trust and forgiveness are not the same thing. Forgiveness is a benefit for us; trust is a benefit for our husbands.  Trust needs to be earned once it has been lost.  
*We will not get over it quickly.  We would if we could, but it will take time and effort to find our way back to emotional health.
*We need help regardless of our husbands’ desire for help.
*We will not automatically get better when our husbands stop acting out. Our progress may actually lag behind theirs.  The history of deception keeps us from being able to trust that we are now safe, even if they say that they have not relapsed in a long time. Some therapists believe it takes 2 or MORE years for the wife to recover after her husband gets sober and in recovery.
*Our husbands have not been good husbands. They have been selfish and lacking in empathy. Addiction results in other bad behaviors that have been harming us.
*Our husbands’ actions in no way decrease our own worthiness.
*Our husbands have most likely been trying for years to overcome their addictions by fasting, praying, reading the scriptures and attending the temple.  These are vital components in their repentance and in building their spirituality.  However, in most cases our husbands need more help than this to get into Recovery from addiction.  They often need knowledgeable counselors who specialize in abusers (and are anti pornography).
*We most likely need outside help to heal, just like our husbands do. Knowledgeable counselors who specialize in victims of abuse, and finding support group with other victims, can help us tremendously.
*Even addicts dedicated to the recovery process tend to relapse several times before achieving lengthy sobriety. But relapsing is still very serious, is not a part of the recovery process, and is NEVER OK.
*We would like our bishops to not assume they know everything they need to know on this topic. Be open to good information. Do not be afraid to admit what you don't know. Please ask us what you can do to help us.
*We should not simply replace all negative thoughts with positive ones. That shows denial of the impact this problem has in our lives.  In order to heal from these difficult wounds, we need to allow ourselves to grieve and feel our emotions.
*Many marriages that fail from this problem actually fail because of the continued lying more than the continued acting out.
*Our husbands' dedication to complete transparency in our marriage will help us to feel that we know everything we need to know. This transparency may include ongoing access to all email, social media, bank accounts, cell phones, computers and electronic devices. Transparency may also include an agreement on future disclosures.
*Despite our best efforts, our marriages may not survive.
*Our husbands abusive choices have caused us to doubt ourselves, our own intuition and the guidance we are receiving from the Lord.  

*We need you to support us as we seek for our own answers from God and make our own choices going forward.