Codependency Harms

History of Codependency

The term codependency (or co-addict) was a word made up by a bunch of addicts from Alcoholics Anonymous, founded in 1935, and was then used by Al-Anon (Sister of AA) when it was formed in 1951. The word later became widely popular by therapists and also authors like Melody Beattie in the 1980's. Addicts basically believed their loved ones were acting just as crazy as an addict by displaying similar behaviors (what they considered to be obsession, controlling, neediness, paranoia, ritualizing etc.) and so they assumed their loved ones must be "addicted" to the addict, therefore needing the exact same 12 steps as the addict (same wording and everything). This is why Al-Anon and S-anon and COSA etc. were created, to help treat all the obsessed dysfunctional family members of addicts --- also so they'd no longer hinder the addicts recovery. These 12 step manuals subtly teach family members the belief that they have just as many issues and are as diseased as the addict 😢

However, over the years more therapists have come to realize that family members of addicts WEREN'T actually exhibiting addict or diseased behaviors, but were instead experiencing trauma/PTSD, just like a rape victim or war veteran. Family members didn't have a disease, they were simply INJURED --- the cause is external and not a direct result of one's internal issues. 

The codependency label is not only an incorrect label to automatically apply to betrayed victims of sex addict abusers, but has the possibility of being very dangerous because it places undue blame on wives for their completely natural reactions to being injured by their husband's choices. Most behaviors thought of as codependency (hypervigilance/ obsession, worrying about what a spouse thinks, lack of boundaries, being controlled by an addict, "loving" the addict more than they love you, etc.) are instead natural NORMAL symptoms of a trauma injury, much like screaming out in pain or being full of fear after being run over by a semi truck, and they are NOT because wives are doing something "wrong". We wouldn't tell someone who was just run over by a semi truck that their natural reaction to pain means there's something inherently wrong with them, would we? 💗 

Top 4 Myths of The Codependency Model 

Myth #1 Wives Allow Their Husband's To Mistreat Them (Ie. Wives are partly to blame for doing nothing to stop it)

 

My Boundaries

For those interested in what my current personal boundaries look like 💗. For How to Set Boundaries go HERE :

Boundaries are very important to me. I want to live in a peaceful loving and safe environment, and out of my love of my marriage, out of my love for my husband, out of love for myself, and out of love of my children, these are things I mentally and physically need in order to stay safe and maintain health and stability. 

Correlation Between Video Games And Sex Addiction

CORRELATION BETWEEN VIDEO GAMES AND PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION

Watch this video on the science behind pornography addiction. Video games reward the same areas of the brain. They hijack dopamine/the reward circuit. So if you are a pornography or sexual addict,  doing ANYTHING that promotes isolation along with fantasy,  while also creating novelty and rewarding the same areas of the brain as porn, is a bad bad bad combination. Whether they are getting their drug high and isolation, fantasy,  and novelty hit from porn or from video games, neither are going to be good for the addict brain.

Latter Day Saint: Judge Others

What The Church Says About Judging Others

"Thou shalt not judge" is a common accusatory (and quite shaming) misconception I hear quite often. Except we are not commanded to "not judge", and are actually commanded to judge righteously. Its sometimes hard to judge what our own safety is if we don't judge what the danger is. We must learn to judge and discern evil threats. The scriptures and the church can help us navigate this 👍

How to Do Self EMDR

 

Self EMDR

Here's how to do POSITIVE self EMDR to help with trauma and help you love yourself. No therapist is needed because there's no digging into scary trauma, its just about getting the EMDR to open up your brain and better receive the affirmation **WARNING: Do not do this with traumatic memories without a therapist. I am not liable for anything that happens **

Your Brain on Caffeine

Your Brain on Caffeine

Im going to write about something that may be upsetting to some people.

I'm going to talk about the dangers of caffeine.

So, if caffeine and you are best friends and it's something you aren't ready to hear yet, I suggest walking away now because my husband quit cold turkey the day he learned all this 😁


Let me ask you something.....Why do you think caffeine is added into soda and other beverages in the first place?

Wearing Lingerie

I know this can be a touchy subject so as an addict, and my husband also being an addict, I'm going to explain the reasons why I personally don't wear lingerie anymore.

Should My Husband Take A Polygraph?

Should Sex Addict Abusers Take Polygraphs?

I love polygraphs.

I believe all sex addicts should take an annual polygraph.

Questions To Ask Your Husband

**5/25 Update: Heads to that this is the old outdated list of disclosure questions. If you want an updated list with over a 100 questions, or you want tips on how to find a good polygrapher, email me at makemyburdenlight@gmail.com** 

If you just found out about your husbands addiction and are going through the full disclosure, these questions may be helpful to ask.

Do You Attract Abusers?

Is There Something Wrong With You That Attracts Abusers? 

No, you aren't an abuser magnet. There's nothing inherently wrong with you that makes men abuse you. 

If statistics show that 90-99% of men regularly look at pornography (and those are only the ones who admit it), and it's impossible to be a good man while choosing to sexualize, objectify, and dehumanize women, and fuel the demand of trafficking every time he watches women be raped in pornography (since most women in porn are trafficked), then you could be the healthiest person in the world and guess what? The odds of finding a good man are still against you. 

70% of Men Look At Pornography (OLD)

Pornography Statistics

*Edit : These are old statistics. To see the newer statistics that shows 90-99% of men, go to my newer post by clicking HERE *

These are some more recent statistics from all around the world (and some old stats taken before smart phones) that show a general pretty consistent 70-80%-ish range of men look at porn at the very LEAST once a month. Addicts are notorious for lying about the frequency of porn use, kinda makes you wonder what the REAL percentage is.

Gaslighting is Abuse.

What is Gaslighting?

 Quotes & Resources

1.
Oxford Dictionary states:

"Gaslight - Manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity"

Latter Day Saint: Is Sex a Responsibility?

  Is it Your Responsibility to Have Sex With Your Husband? 

Quotes From LDS Mormon Church Leaders

Many wives struggle with feeling like it is their responsibility to have sex with their husbands. Thankfully, I believe the LDS Church is very clear on this subject.

If anyone ever tries to convince you that your husband needs sex and that it is your duty as a wife to be "available" for him, please refer them to these lds. org quotes.

Is the Addiction Label Helpful or Hurtful?

 

Many people believe that using the term "sex addict" is detrimental, and should no longer be used when treating sex addicts because it causes them to feel too much shame.

I can definitely see how someone could feel shame by calling themselves a sex addict. I can also see how someone could feel shame by saying "I look at pornography all the time and refuse to stop".

Latter Day Saint: Anger Can Be Healthy For Betrayed Wives

To the innocent wives suffering Betrayal Trauma ❤

Is ALL anger bad? Should we always avoid anger at all costs? Why would Christ show anger with the money changers if it's so wrong?

Lds. org states:
"Anger is an emotion everyone experiences. Dealing with it in healthy ways is an essential life skill to learn." - New Era

&

An lds. org article about living with an alcoholic parent states:
(To the friend of the abused)
  "Drunk people do disgusting things. They may even abuse their children.
   Your friend will be both shamed and angered by these actions. And she may feel guilty about her anger. Let her know that she has a right to be angry.
   Just help her direct and control that anger so it doesn’t cause her serious trouble."
(To the abused)
 "..Don’t feel guilty about it. It’s okay to feel angry. Anyone in your circumstances would feel that way.
   And if you haven’t been able to forgive him, keep trying, but don’t feel guilty about that either.
   Forgiving is not an easy virtue to master, and nobody’s timing you." - Living with an alcoholic parent by Anne Lawrence https://www.lds.org/liahona/1989/08/drunk-again-living-with-an-alcoholic-parent?lang=eng

Great Movie & Book Review Sites For Parents

Movie Content Reviews
 
Movie/ TV
Imdb.com


Movie
http://www.kids-in-mind.com
 

Movie/ TV/ Books/ Games/ Music
http://www.pluggedin.com

STOP Those Annoying Advertisments & Friend Suggestions

 Make Your Computer Safer!

Here is a list of ways to Opt-Out of many different types of "Interest Based Ads". I suggest opting out of all of them for every browser (chrome, Firefox, etc), and on every computer and/or iOS/Android device.

Ever go shopping online for something, for example let's say "shoes", only to then see ads for shoes pop up everywhere online afterward?

Yep. Those are called Interest Based Ads. Companies track your data (age, location, online history, your online likes and interests etc etc) and they use this data to send you advertisements customized to YOU and your computer's Advertising ID/IP address

Lame, right?

While this feature may seem harmless to someone who doesn't care to see innocent shoe ads, sadly this feature can be very dangerous to unsuspecting victims when there is someone viewing pornography in the home. No one wants their kids to get online and see those dang inappropriate sex/dating ads all because a family member was surfing porn an hour earlier ha, ok? No bueno :)

While using these steps to protect your computer won't completely remove the threat of unwanted exposure (Don't get me started the havoc pornography viewing has on the nasty spam emails that can get sent to everyone who uses the computer and the computer viruses pornography causes), these will definitely help reduce accidental exposure.

Addiction Dictionary : Definitions of Common Addiction Terms

ADDICTION - "Addiction is the continued repetition of a behavior/rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences". I believe choices cause an addiction, but addiction doesn't cause choices. Studies show that addicts never lose the ability to make choices. Addiction doesn't "force" someone to act out. They can choose to stop acting out at any time if they really want to. 

(Note: *** Lack of fequency is not always an indicator of addiction. Acting out can be once a day, once a week, once a month, or even once a year etc. and still be an addiction)

PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION -  1. Pornography addiction is an addiction characterized by repeated use of pornographic material until it causes serious negative consequences to one's physical, mental, social, and/or financial well-being.          

  2 . An "addiction to, or dependence upon, pornography, characterized by obsessive viewing, reading, and thinking about pornography and sexual themes to the detriment of other areas of the viewer’s life." - Free Dictionary 

  3 . Prolonged viewing of pornography - books, magazines, movies, or Internet pornography - that has destructive effects on the life of a person.


SEX ADDICTION - Sex addiction is the umbrella term for all addictions that are sexual in nature (porn, Masturbation, in person affairs, etc), just like drug addiction is the umbrella term for all kinds of drug addictions). 

ACTING OUT - Intentionally seeking out any sexual stimulus, even if "accidental" at first. Ex. If you accidently come across sexual stimulus, but you choose to keep looking, that's still acting out. DEFINITE lines of acting out: pornography, masturbation, infidelity, emotional infidelity, inappropriate relationships with someone other than your partner, chatting with women, flirting, sex ad browsing, voyeurism, forcing/coercing anyone to have sex (this is sexual abuse. Even if it’s with their partner, it's still considered sexual abuse), & massage brothels.

PORNOGRAPHY - ANY sexual stimulus outside of an intimate relationship that a sex addict uses to get lust hits from. This could be hard core pornography, or soft core pornography like bikinis, women in workout videos, intentionally checking out women in public, looking up pictures of feet if the sex addict is into feet, or sexual content in books, comics, movies, TV, cartoons, phone apps, etc. Basically, if an addict is intentionally using the stimulus to get lust hits from, then they are turning it into their own personal porn. This doesn't mean the woman in the bikini or a woman in sandals is literal porn, this means the addict is objectifying her and turning her into porn for himself. In the end, whether it was a woman naked or a woman clothed, if an addict is intentionally seeking it out for sexual stimulus, then it does the same thing to the brain by keeping the addiction neural pathways alive. The point of healing is for those neural pathways to go dormant, which can't be done if it's still being activated by the addict consuming sexual stimulus outside of an intimate relationship. 

(***LDS .org Definition of Pornography -
  "Pornography is any visual or written medium created with the intent to sexually stimulate. If the work was not intended to stimulate but nevertheless causes sexual arousal in an individual, it constitutes pornography for that person."

&

  "Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/06/i-have-a-question?lang=eng   )

MASTURBATION or MB - 1. "To stimulate yourself sexually. In other words, to have sex by yourself, with yourself."

2. "Get sexual gratification through self-stimulation"

3. "Erotic stimulation especially of one's own genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies."

*** Note they use the word "usually" and not "always". Sexually stimulating oneself with, or without orgasm, is still masturbation. Whether it's done with a hand, or an object, if they are stimulating themselves it's considered masturbation. 

(Spencer W Kimball said on lds.org :

" Masturbation is not physically necessary. There is already a way by which the male system relieves excessive spermatic fluid quite regularly through the nocturnal emission or wet dream. " ) 

S.L.I.P -- "Sexual Sobriety Lost its Priority" - A slip is a one-time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence. Slips are significant events that call for immediate attention because they can easily lead to relapses. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

RELAPSE - A relapse is to resume acting out after a period of abstinence. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

Recovery: What It Is and What It Isn't

What Is Addiction Recovery?

Wanna know what the grande ol' mystery to addiction recovery is? The answer we all search for when figuring out if our partners are IN recovery? 

This may be hard for some to accept. You ready?

Does Your Loved One Have These ADHD Symptoms?

Does your sexually addicted loved one have any of these ADHD symptoms?:

Lots of anxiety

Racing thoughts (mind won't shut off)

Mind goes so fast it becomes flooded and too overwhelmed, which often leaves one feeling tired and sluggish (aka. Feeling of running in water)

Poor reality testing skills, and avoids reason or logic.

Feels depressed and hopeless from feeling overwhelmed.

Simple tasks bring lots of anxiety (groceries, walking dog, paying bills, social activities, talking about feelings, yard work, dealing with kids etc)

Often gets "glazed over" look when being spoken directly to.

"Lazy"

Impulsive

Forgetful

Loses things easily

Constantly late

Disorganized

OVER-organized

Overwhelmed by responsibilities

Always moving and restless (tapping toes, nail biting, tidying up, bouncing leg while sitting, cleaning, fidgety etc.)

Tendency to become absorbed in tasks that are stimulating and rewarding. aka "hyper focused".

Underestimating the time takes to complete tasks

Interrupts or intrudes on others.

May have zero concept of boundaries and other's personal space.

Sense of underachievement

Doesn’t deal well with frustration

Easily flustered and stressed out

Irritability/Defensiveness

Emotional Dysregulation/ Mood swings (which can sometimes mimic bi polar)

Trouble staying motivated

Poor planning abilities, unable to follow through consistently or complete tasks. Ie. Making plans one day, and then completely changing their mind the next, therefore things only getting done depending on mood.

Hypersensitivity to criticism

Short, often explosive, temper

Low self-esteem and sense of insecurity

Bored easily

Doing a million things at once

Poor sleep patterns, often not rested.

Difficulty in making up their mind, or making choices without undue anxiety.

Impatient, continuing difficulties in delaying gratification.

Overly demanding may become self-destructive and aggressive.

Unable to follow simple tasks and directions if the task does not hold an interest.

Gives up easily on tasks, assignments.

Can't keep a job

OR

Overworks and uses working as an escape/ At the end of the day they can't leave "work" AT work.

I-Statements

 How To Communicate

"We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we move from the passive voice to the active voice — that is, until we have stopped saying 'It got lost', and say, 'I lost it.' ” - Sydney J. Harris

Let's face the facts. Communicating is FREAKING hard. It can leave us feeling exposed, and being vulnerable is terrifying and uncomfortable.

Frankly, most of us were never taught how to communicate properly are often using the skills we learned as children from our parents...... who also didn't know how to communicate properly. :)

I-statement's are a helpful communication tool wrapped in pure golden magical goodness. They are statements or responses that refrain from saying "you" or "your" as much as possible. They force us to think about how we are really feeling.

I-Statements -

Dispute resolution conversation openers that can be used to communicate clearly and boldly about how we feel and how we want something to be, without putting the other person on the defensive. They are also used to acknowledge and take ownership of our own feelings.

Latter Day Saint: 90 Day Program Craziness

Don't hate me. 

I'm gonna say it...

I cant stand the 90 day program. 

Choosing a Therapist

"Do I need a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist?"

I don't (don't hate me) believe a CSAT is necessary. Actually, in most cases a CSAT is more harmful, due to the CSAT certification teaching victim blaming and addict coddling. I think the trick to finding a great therapist is by researching and asking the therapist lots of questions about what they believe, NOT by solely going off of a CSAT certification training that some sexist guy made up. I mean, this is the came guy (Patrick Carnes) who believes parents are sexually attracted to their children, and that wives are just as addicted, diseased, and messed up as the addict abuser. Should we really trust anything he says or created? 😳


For a therapist, I would choose a Psychologist who is certified in EMDR and specializes in abuse, trauma, violence against women, sexism, etc., over a counselor (especially a CSAT) ANY day. I mean, there ARE many many great counselors who know a TON about abuse and trauma from their own life experiences and who intuitively "get it", but they are harder to find. No matter what, it's good to be aware that great therapists are rare, they are not the norm. 

LDS Church's View On Emotional, Sexual & Physical Abuse: Quotes & Definitions

What Is Abuse

I think many of us hear abuse and we instantly think it only means being physically beaten and that unless we are being physically hit then it's not as serious. Sadly this is not so, Emotional Abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse (Learn more about emotional abuse HERE). MANY of us aren't aware of the LDS church's stance and definition of abuse, even some of our own bishops and ward leaders.

Ive compiled a list of quotes from lds.org regarding ALL types of abuse straight from handbooks, manuals, conferences, apostles, & prophets. The Church takes this matter very seriously. Please pass this info along, even quote them to your ward leaders if needed.

Knowledge is truth and light!

LDSChurch's view on Emotional, Physical, & Sexual Abuse :

* Abuse and Cruelty -

"The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man. All members, especially parents and leaders, are encouraged to be alert and diligent and do all they can to protect children and others against abuse and neglect. Members who have abused others are subject to Church discipline.

If leaders or teachers become aware of instances of abuse, they should counsel with the bishop. Instructions for the bishop are provided in Handbook 1.

Abuse Definition

Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes injury or offense. It harms the mind and the spirit and often injures the body as well. It can cause confusion, doubt, mistrust, and fear. It is a violation of the laws of society and is in total opposition to the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abusive behavior may lead to Church discipline.

Affirmations Heal

What are affirmations?

I'll explain in a way that helped me understand them (I used to think they were hippy BS).

We all have learned some incorrect beliefs about ourselves in our lives somewhere along the way, whether in childhood, as teens, or as adults etc. I call these Debilitating Negative Core Beliefs ---- "I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, I'm not important, I don't deserve good things, I'm unlovable, I'm unsafe because I don't deserve to be safe. I can't do anything right" etc etc etc.

We ALL have them in varying degrees one way or another.

Now, how would it make you feel if a loved one called you names like stupid, worthless, ugly, fat, unlovable etc?

It would hurt your feelings right? 

I believe when we put ourselves down we are doing the same thing to ourselves. It hurts us. Except we've done it for so long we've become desensitized to it so we don't realize how much it's actually harming ourselves. This in turn becomes MORE damaging because it is often done on a subconscious level, and VERY VERY frequently and habitually. Just because we can't consciously feel it, doesn't mean it's not doing the same amount of damage and is not hurting us.

So how do we counteract these negative beliefs? If putting ourselves down by subconscious thoughts and phrases can tear us down and hurt our body and mind, then couldn't we also correct those negative beliefs by counteracting them with positive phrases?

I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF. I AM SAFE.

Luckily you don't have to believe affirmations for them to work at first.

When I started saying affirmations I definitely didn't love myself. I didn't feel safe. It felt like my insides were screaming "NOOOO YOUR LYING!!!!!! How dare you say it is safe!!!!!! LIAR!!!!" , and the more I said affirmations, the more those screams became like the wizard of oz witch "NOOOOO I'm melting I'm melting".

My affirmations were literally a direct "attack" against my negative beliefs. My negative beliefs saw the affirmations as a huge threat. So I had to say the affirmations a lot for the idea to slowly sink in enough for me to even CONSIDER believing them.

Affirmations also sound too simple to be effective. When someone first told me about them I thought they were a big load of bull, "Ha ya right, like saying I love myself is gonna help me feel better or help my body to feel better. That's stupid"...(as I muttered in my head " Ya freaking looney psycho tree hugger..." 😜).

IT IS SAFE TO FEEL.

As you start saying affirmations, don't be surprised if you feel alll sorts of whacky diverse emotions like embarrassment, stupidity, shame, guilt, depression, apathy, rage, or the urge to cry or even to laugh! THIS IS A GOOD SIGN!!!!!!!

These emotions are PROOF that the affirmations are working and doing good because the positive words triggered the negative belief into "defense" mode. If the affirmation was no threat to the negative belief, it'd have no reason to defend itself. So keep saying them, stay strong!

Also when using affirmations, try to use all positive words. Our subconscious minds don't always differentiate between what context a negative word is used in. Example: "I am not mad at myself".....some part of our body will still hear "mad at myself" and "I am not".  

If you're religious you can start the first one off saying God/Heavenly Father "______" and then say the affirmation so its like your confirming it before God, thus making it more real. Then alternate between saying them over and over outloud (in the mirror if your feeling brave) or fill up an entire page writing them down over and over. THE MORE YOU DO THEM THE BETTER ITLL WORK  This is what helps me make the affirmations work better : How To Do Positive Self EMDR

Another great tip if affirmations seem too hard is to say "I want" before your affirmation. That way it won't make you feel like you're lying to yourself, and It will still be just as effective. Ex. "I want to take care of my body". 

Affirmations are also GREAT to do in front of your kids so they can learn by example!

   I WANT TO LOVE EVERY PART OF MY BODY. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AS BEAUTIFUL.

Affirmations have changed my life in more ways than I can describe. Something so simple as saying WORDS has changed my life and has healed so many wounds that I thought were impossible to heal. 

What I love most about affirmations is that they are also a form of loving and honoring God since HE created us. He commanded us to love.....But that also applies to ourselves right? We aren't exempt from this commandment. We are a literal part of God. Our spirits know this. Our spirits know our importance and self worth, and our Negative Core Beliefs are a direct opposition to God and WHO WE ARE as children of God. Instead, what better way to honor Him than to honor His creation!

I sincerely hope affirmations help you. YOU are important. YOU deserve good things 💗

Plus, you got nothing to lose by trying, right? 😗🙋‍♀️

Example Affirmations: 

I love you _____ (say your name.  YES it feels silly,  but for some reason it works really well when speaking to your child self)

I love and approve of myself
It is safe for every part of my body to relax and feel peace.

I am safe.

All is well.

It is safe for me to care for myself

I digest with ease

I want to release my weight

I want to take care of my body

I want to love taking care of my kids

I want to love taking care of my house

I want to feel safe

I want to see my body as beautiful

My mind is full of love, peace, and clarity

Life will always provide for me

It is safe for me to feel

I relax into the flow of life and let life provide all that I need easily and comfortably

I willingly release with joy

I see myself and what I do with eyes of love

I boldly speak how I feel with ease

It is safe to be me

I relax and recognize my self worth

Harmony and peace, love and joy surround me and indwell me. I am safe and secure.

I am safe in the here and now

It is my birthright to live fully and freely.

I lovingly balance my mind and my body. I now choose thoughts that make me feel good.

The movies of my mind are beautiful because I choose to make then so. I love me.

I am safe and secure at all times. Love surrounds me and protects me. All is well.

I am Divinely protected and surrounded by love. I now create a safe new future.

I give myself permission to be all that I can be and I deserve the very best in life. I love and appreciate myself and my children.

It is safe for me to be alive

***** I am important. I count. I now care for and nourish myself with love and with joy. I allow others the freedom to be who they are. We are all safe and free.

I freely and easily release the old and joyously welcome the new.

I am totally adequate at all times

It is easy for me to reprogram the computer of my mind. All of life is change and my mind is ever new

I trust my Heavenly Father. All I need is always taken care of.

I know I am worthwhile. It is safe for me to succeed.

It is with love that I totally release the past. I am free. I am love.

I am safe. I am at peace with life.

I am loving and lovable.

I release the pattern in me that created this. I am worthwhile. I DESERVE good.

Definition of Lying

"Lying Takes longer than the truth"

Types of Lying

Lying by omission:

Also known as a continuing misrepresentation, a lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions. When the seller of a car declares it has been serviced regularly but does not tell that a fault was reported at the last service, the seller lies by omission. It can be compared to dissimulation.

Should my husband disclose details of a relapse?

Full Disclosure

Its up to you, and ONLY you, on how many details you want your husband to tell you.

YOU DECIDE.

What if my husband blames me?

I want to say something to all you wonderful wives out there who have husbands that blame and make excuses for their behavior, lies and addiction.

Its not your fault.

What?

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You could be angry with him. You could be furious with him. You could be hurt and in immense pain and not wanting to talk to him. You could stop having sex with him. You could be horrible to him. Hell, or you could even be the *perfect wife*.

That still doesn't give him a right to blame his lack of RECOVERY on you. It does not give him a right to blame, redirect, manipulate, lie, gaslight, force, belittle, or abuse you in any way.

He cannot blame ANY of his addiction, behavior, dishonesty,or mood on you. Its not your fault. YOU are not making honesty, sobriety & recovery hard for him. And you are not preventing him from being honest, sober & getting into recovery.

How do I know this?

Ive been there. I've done plenty of betraying. 

My ex husband was AWFUL to me when I got sober. He called me names, he refused to help me with our newborn while I was going thru hellish withdrawls. He was a passive aggressive beast. There was ZERO zeeeero comfort or love, and ONLY hostility from him.

But guess what? 

SO WHAT.

Steps to Filtering and Protecting Your Computer

"Parents must have the courage to filter or monitor Internet access, television, movies, and music." - Elder Quinton Cook

Let's talk filters.

Why Filter?? The church has asked us to. But WHY? Click HERE: To Filter or Not

Net nanny is a good program for strictly filtering. Its pricey since its a yearly subscription, but if you have the money, do it. Beware that it can be disabled, many programs can, better safe to know this than not, right? (Email me if you want a list of all the Monitoring programs I personally recommend for computer AND android devices. I pefer not to list them here because they are stealth monitoring programs : makemyburdenlight@Gmail.com)

The great part is you can layer multiplex filters like Net Nanny, K9 and Opendns all at once!

BEWARE ONE FILTER IS NOT ENOUGH. 

Not only is one filter not enough, many people don't realize that filtering ONLY with ONE WIFI filter  (like Opendns, CleanRouter, Routerlimitz etc) is completely ineffective. They are EASILY BYPASSED!!! The more filters you have, the better protection you have, and whichever programs you choose I recommend at least one to also have MONITORING. 

Here are steps I recommend:

1. First filter from the router itself with Opendns (or other router filter)

Wife's Analogy

A wonderful friend of mine wrote this to help her Church Leader's understand her pain. It is absolutely beautiful and I asked if I could share it :)

                                                          Tammra's Journey

I was at a place in my life where I felt like I was constantly walking up hill. Everything seemed hard, especially my relationship with my husband. He was constantly angry with me and finding fault with me. He was always preoccupied with something other than me. Every day I was doing my best to put one foot in front of the other as I walked up that hill wondering what had gone wrong in my life, wondering where my husband was and what he was doing. I was taking care of everything in our lives - children, finances, home - because he was no longer engaged. 

One day as I walked up that hill my husband appeared, driving erratically and he hit me with a truck I had never seen before but had heard about and was afraid of. A truck full of broken promises and so many lies. 

Latter Day Saint: Is Honesty To a Wife Required for Repentance?

Disclosure

Is Honesty Required For Repentance?

An LDS Church View

Disclosure is a question of ethics. As wives, we deserve and have a right to know the type of relationship we are in. We DESERVE to know what kind of danger our addict husbands are putting us and our children in by viewing pornography, masturbating, or having any contact with other woman. "Keeping someone in a relationship under false pretenses represents exploitation" (link)    

Sadly, I've heard from many wives who have learned their sex addict husband's have confessed relapsing to their Church Leader's, and didn't feel it necessary to tell their spouse, or in turn, have had actual Church Leaders tell them they did not have to tell their spouse. Ive put a list of LDS Church articles together straight from LDS.org that takes a deeper look into repentance and states that after breaking covenants, one cannot confess to church leader, and avoid confessing to their spouse, as this would not be true repentance.

The rest are straight from the source. Together we can help battle this misconception that a wife doesn't need to know the danger an addict is putting his family in  :) Enjoy! (Note: Restitution, confession, and honesty are ALWAYS possible to a spouse)

                                  

"Many individuals minimize the extent of their problem because of feelings of shame. The Lord’s way, however, requires that we acknowledge our faults to Him. Such confession is actually an exercise in honesty with ourselves, as we acknowledge to ourselves that which is already transparent to God. Involvement in pornography should also be acknowledged to one’s spouse (and for youth, one’s parents) and bishop or branch president."

- Elder Rory Reid https://www.lds.org/ensign/2005/02/the-road-back-abandoning-pornography?lang=eng

How To Set Boundaries

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries. What are they? Though I've always had certain boundaries, I didn't know they were called "boundaries". I know how confusing and hair pulling it is to figure out what boundaries are and how they apply to you, so bare with me.

Boundaries Definition:

“a line determining the limits of an area” - Vocabulary 

“unofficial rules about what should not be done : limits that define acceptable behavior” - Britannica

“Hey, That's Not Ok”

Boundaries are all about our safety and well being. Boundaries help establish personal limits, defining what you are comfortable with and how you want to be treated by others. Imagine boundaries as a fence around your property, a line of what you think is OK and what you think is not OK. They are safety measures. It's what causes us to internally say "Hey, that's not ok" when harmed. It also can cause us to do things to try and keep ourselves safe, the best we can, from that harm. 

Sadly, a common first response among sex addiction/betrayal trauma professional's is to tell victims that boundaries will always stop or prevent someone from harming you, or that a boundary isn't a boundary unless you attach a consequence to it, or that boundaries help you stop “allowing/tolerating/letting/accepting” the abuse, or that you lack boundaries altogether and aren't safe because you don't have boundaries, or. 

These are myths. 

First, boundaries cannot magically force anyone to stop choosing to harm you. 

Second, there's no official dictionary definition that says a boundary must have a consequence attached, a boundary can be a boundary with, or without, a consequence. 

Third, contrary to popular belief, you didn't allow, tolerate, let, or accept the abuse either. You can't consent (ie. Allow, tolerate, accept, etc.) to something you don't know about, fully understand, or agree to under duress. No one consents to being abused. So I would avoid any professionals who tell you that you need to stop “allowing” him to abuse you, it's victim blaming and inaccurate. 

Fourth, when someone chooses to harm you, then THEY are the reason you were harmed, not because you “lacked” in boundaries. You are never to blame.

Plus, want to know something interesting? 

You already DO have boundaries. Even if you aren't aware they are called "boundaries", you, right this minute, possess within yourself boundaries. GOOD JOB 👏 👏 👏 

Want proof? 

Answer these questions:

1. Did you want to be lied to, cheated on, or abused? 

2. Are you ok with your partner lying, cheating or abusing you? 

3. Had your partner told you the very first time he met you “Hey woman, I'm going to continually lie to you, cheat on you, abuse you, gaslight you, make you feel crazy, and cause you so much pain, do you want to go out again?”... would you have gone out with him again??? 

4. After you discovered your partner's betrayal, did you try and find some way to improve the situation, find safety, stop being harmed, etc.? 

If you answered 3 no's and 1 yes, then this is proof you already had boundaries from day one. Studies also show that ALL victims resist abuse and mistreatment in some way. Why? Because no one wants to be abused. Everyone wants to be treated with love, dignity, and respect. And that constant resistance in order to keep yourself safe IS a form of boundaries, and is always healthy. 

Furthermore, your partner knew you had boundaries from day one as well. He knew you didn't want to be lied to, cheated on, and abused. He knew you wouldn't have wanted to be with him if you knew the entire truth, which is why he lied. 

As Dr Allan Wade states: 

“They [perpetrators] are not stupid..You talk to men who have been abusive and..men know that women resist abuse. Men know that women don't like to be abused. Only psychologists think that women fail to resist abuse. Men don't think that way. " - Dr Allan Wade @Response Based Practice 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HeSTtT9OWbo

Now, is it possible to gain even more boundaries? 

YES! Learning more ways to resist abuse and keep ourselves safe is GREAT! Here's some tips how:

Step By Step Boundaries

One way to gain additional boundaries is to ask yourself, what do you need for your health and safety? What do you WANT for yourself and your life? 

Often, boundaries aren't just things we simply want either, they are actually things we NEED in order to be safe. They are things we literally need, both emotionally and physically, in our life in order to live and function in a healthy progressive way so we can thrive. When first figuring out how to implement more boundaries, it may be helpful to figure out what exactly you need and ask yourself these questions:

* What good behavior from your partner are you able to live with in your home and life?

* Are you mentally and physically able to live with someone, without being severely injured or causing long term damage, who is choosing not to change or be safe? 

* What types of behavior from your partner are you NOT able to live with in your home and life?

* What personally do YOU want out of your life? What do you want your life to look like? 

      - Are you able to achieve this while living with an addict who's lying, cheating, and abusing you in your home and/or around your children?

* What are some essential emotional NEEDS you have in your life, and also marriage? (ie. Safety, connection, honesty, etc) 

* Are you willing to sleep in the same bed, be intimate with, or live with an addict abuser who is acting out, lying, or being abusive? 

* Are you ok living with a partner who has free reign access to pornography (unfiltered or unmonitored Internet devices) in your home around you and/or your children?

* Do you want to live a life being with someone who covertly controls, lies, cheats, gaslights or abuses you? If not, why? 

* What do you need in order to keep you and your children safe from an addict abuser? 

 

Next, figure out things you can do to achieve optimal health and safety. Its crucial to have a plan of what you will do if your husband isn't safe. What are YOU able to do in order to follow through on your boundaries? If your husband is not willing to be respectful, faithful, honest, and safe, what are some additional things you can do to keep YOU safe? 

Remember, boundaries are about your safety and well being (and childrens, if applicable), not about demanding anyone else to do something. You can't demand or force your husband to leave, be nice, admit he is wrong, be honest, etc. You can ASK him to leave after he lies, cheats, or abuses you, but that doesn't mean he will leave every time you ask (though it's pretty messed up if he doesn't). However, you CAN leave in whatever way is possible for you (ie. Go gray rock, walk away, go for a drive, sleep somewhere else, separation, etc). 

It's not required for you to tell your partner your boundaries. You're more than welcome to take action in silence (ex. Get up and leave the room without saying why). You know yourself and your husband better than anyone else, only YOU get to decide what is best and safest for you. 

But if you do want to communicate your boundaries, one common method is to state what you NEED > Then state what you are not able to live with > Then, if possible, state what you are going to DO to keep yourself safe if your partner doesn't respect your need for safety boundaries. 

Here are a variety of random different boundary wording examples. A few of these are my personal boundaries, but everyone's situation is different, so input safety measures that will help YOU feel safe, and aren't just to change the addict abuser. YOU call the shots 🙌:

- "I need safety in order to survive and thrive. I am only willing to stay with a partner who is actively trying to get into recovery by choosing to stop lying, cheating and abusing, and is willing to take a polygraph and learn about his entitlement and patriarchy, etc. If I do not see consistent recovery behaviors, ie. respect, honesty, integrity, etc., then I won't feel safe being in a relationship with you." (Other examples: sleeping in the same bed with you, being intimate with you, talking to you, etc etc.

- "For my safety, sanity, and mental health, I am not willing to live with a man who chooses to lie. If I am lied to, I will need to distance myself and consider a separation." 

- "In order for me to feel safe in this relationship I need all future slips/relapses etc. to be disclosed within 24 hours. If I receive disclosure after 24hrs, OR I discover it myself, then that puts me and the kids in danger and I will need a separation for an undisclosed amount of time."

- "For the safety of me and the children, I will not allow any unmonitored and unfiltered Internet device (computer, phone, TV etc) to enter this home. If I learn of any unprotected device you have brought into my home without my knowledge, I will need a separation for my safety."

- "I love you. I NEED to feel safe in this marriage. I NEED the kids to be safe. I am no longer willing to live with lies. If you lie to me without telling me within 24 hours etc, I will ______." 

- "I'm not comfortable living with someone who's not trying to get into recovery by being honest, faithful, respectful, taking a polygraph, reading about entitlement and patriarchy/misogyny, etc. If I do not see these efforts in actions (not words), than I do not feel safe living here."

- "I don't feel safe sleeping in the same bed with someone who is not trying to get into recovery. If I do not see recovery type work like faithfulness, full honesty/transparency, polygraph, etc, then I do not feel safe sleeping in the same bed as you." 

- "I need safety in order to thrive and be healthy. I do not feel safe living with a man who is not working to get into recovery. If I do not see recovery type work, then I will detach and cease contact (except directly about kids) so that I can feel safe."

-”If you speak to me that way again, I will ____” (leave the room, sleep on the couch, ask you to leave, go for a drive, etc) 

- "I do not feel comfortable living with someone who's not trying to actively get into recovery by doing ___. If I do not see active recovery type actions by ______, then I will begin the divorce process for the safety of me and the kids."

Next, for your safety be prepared to follow through with everything you say. If you say you will not have sex, or you will separate, or you will start divorce proceedings the next time he acts out or lies, etc., be sure you are actually willing to do what you said you would. 

Also be prepared for backlash from your husband. If your husband acts up, gets defensive/upset, or throws a tantrum, then know that it's a confirmation that your boundaries are good. Ignore him and DO NOT engage. I repeat, DO NOT ENGAGE. Gray rock is extremely helpful. Don't base the health of your boundaries on his negative reactions. I promise, if it's all about your safety, you ARE doing the right thing for you! 

Remember, he's an expert at getting what he wants, so he will do everything in his power to continue getting what he wants, including trying to get you to doubt, back down, stay silent, and not have boundaries. He might even blame you, say you're controlling, call you mean, etc. Your husband has the agency to make any choice he wants (sadly). Your boundaries aren't telling him what he can or can't do. Your boundaries are simply saying "Yes, you can make the choice to act that way, because you're a grown adult with agency. But so am I. And because I love you and also love myself, I am going to do ___ if you choose to lie, cheat, or abuse 💗".  

Stay firm. Stand your ground. You got this. 

** NOTE : If there's a chance he will get physical, please stop immediately and find safety, or leave while he's gone. If your husband is physically abusive, telling your husband your boundaries can be very dangerous. Do what you feel is best for YOU! 

Can My Boundaries Also Help the Addict Abuser? 

Boundaries and consequences in life are also indirectly crucial for the addict. While this is a less important aspect, a wife's Boundaries can sometimes produce much needed natural consequences. However, to be clear, our boundaries aren't for the addict (nor is it our job to have boundaries just to give the addict “consequences”), but the fact remains that no addict will change without pain and loss/feeling the natural consequences to their actions, if they so choose. Consequences are wonderful. 💗

Additional Resources:

What Are My Boundaries by Love Is Respect:

https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-are-my-boundaries/

Feel free to contact me with questions 💗